[ If he wanted, maybe he could push hard enough to hook into the flow of thought Lexa's keeping so carefully walled off. He's capable, but he doesn't make the attempt. He doesn't always trust Lexa's intentions, understands her pragmatism may someday necessitate the kind of manipulations that left Bellamy stranded in the depth of Mount Weather but he trusts the shift in their circumstance and he trusts her promises. He knows what he'd do on Clarke's behalf. He can leave well enough alone with the realization of how deep those feelings run to safeguard the present.
He'd never have seen that question coming, even if he'd plucked the tick of logic from her head. Bellamy flinches from it, expression shuttering. He's guilty. He's always been guilty, from the moment he put boots onto the soil of Earth. Guilt is a constant companion. He acts in spite of it, understanding that it is the cost of the actions he's taking even if he believes those actions are necessary. He'd been sick with guilt even after he'd put an end to her army, unable to meet Lincoln's eyes and spout the well-worn justifications. Killing never comes easily. There's no detachment, even if he'd desperately needed to find some in the wake of Mount Weather.
None of it absolves him. There's no comfort in knowing his actions were necessary. And this guard is just another casualty to bear up under, though Bellamy's at a loss as to how to communicate this to Lexa without revealing too much. He isn't even sure how to answer her question, though his thoughts flick through the counts against him, from his mother to the three hundred who had perished in the Culling the the graves outside the dropship to the scorched bodies in Mount Weather to the massacre of her army to Lincoln. What value did he have left, when he'd caused so much damage? ]
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
[ He can't give her an answer. He doesn't try, tamping down hard rather than risk exposing too much to her. He frowns, but doesn't look away, afraid that breaking eye contact would reveal something more damning than the expression on his face in this moment, as raw as it may be.
The sacrifice that she puzzles over is, for Bellamy, the only worthwhile thing he can do. Protecting his people regardless of the cost, even if that cost is his life. And he'd always trusted that in his absence, Clarke would protect their people. That made it easier to consider such a roll. ]
no subject
He'd never have seen that question coming, even if he'd plucked the tick of logic from her head. Bellamy flinches from it, expression shuttering. He's guilty. He's always been guilty, from the moment he put boots onto the soil of Earth. Guilt is a constant companion. He acts in spite of it, understanding that it is the cost of the actions he's taking even if he believes those actions are necessary. He'd been sick with guilt even after he'd put an end to her army, unable to meet Lincoln's eyes and spout the well-worn justifications. Killing never comes easily. There's no detachment, even if he'd desperately needed to find some in the wake of Mount Weather.
None of it absolves him. There's no comfort in knowing his actions were necessary. And this guard is just another casualty to bear up under, though Bellamy's at a loss as to how to communicate this to Lexa without revealing too much. He isn't even sure how to answer her question, though his thoughts flick through the counts against him, from his mother to the three hundred who had perished in the Culling the the graves outside the dropship to the scorched bodies in Mount Weather to the massacre of her army to Lincoln. What value did he have left, when he'd caused so much damage? ]
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
[ He can't give her an answer. He doesn't try, tamping down hard rather than risk exposing too much to her. He frowns, but doesn't look away, afraid that breaking eye contact would reveal something more damning than the expression on his face in this moment, as raw as it may be.
The sacrifice that she puzzles over is, for Bellamy, the only worthwhile thing he can do. Protecting his people regardless of the cost, even if that cost is his life. And he'd always trusted that in his absence, Clarke would protect their people. That made it easier to consider such a roll. ]