[ She's not supposed to want other people in her head. She has sickening, horrific memories of the last time something alien tried. A part of her still feels filthy and tainted from that incident. But this? This feels different. It's support and bouyancy and acceptance. It isn't the primordial soup of Instrumentality. It's something wntirele different that she doesn't yet understand.
Asuka should pull away, storm off, shove Lavellan off of her, but he wants to understand. He offers an outlet. He wants to hate as much as she does, so she stays, slumped on the dining room floor, Lavellan curled against her back. It's horrifying in its intimacy and a part of her is screaming at it and recoiling.
But he knows. He can read her like a book. And he asks. He wants to know. She doesn't know how use the link yet, just that it is, but she can try. She has painful memories. And she'll share. It isn't neat or ordered, but rather a confusing mish-mash in roughly chronological order, scenes bleeding into one another, tainted by the echoes of emotions she felt at the time.
She meets Misato in Germany. An older woman she tries to look up to, who reads her file, who knows what's happened to her and the pain she carries in her heart. The next time she's on an aircraft carrier and Misato is the one who Kaji seems to care for; not Asuka. After that, it accelerates, days and weeks and months blurring into one another, with a few events standing out.
Misato demonstrates that Asuka is replaceable instead of Shinji; when he can't keep up with the synchronized dance, it's Asuka who gets pulled and replaced with Rei, as if she's the one who needs to learn a lesson. Misato pushes her to descend into molten lava, deeper than is safe and almost gets her killed.
It's Shinji who earns praise, who garners attention, who is the object of Misato's affection. Her attitude toward Asuka is, at best, benign indifference, which wounds Asuka. Shinji is "number one", despite his poor attitude and refusal to follow orders. Misato says she'll actually reprimand him, but is too busy being thankful over him to do so. Despite the blow to her morale and her ego, Asuka keeps going, even as her synch rate starts to nose-dive.
It's never any one thing. It's the fake front Misato tries to wear, a thousand little cuts of indifference and distance. The fake mother who doesn't even try to understand or help Asuka, even though she knows what's wrong, has every idea what makes Asuka hurt, but prefers inaction. There's the moment Asuka breaks down in the bathroom, Misato down the hallway and within hearing. She doesn't say a word. It's the way Misato cries over Shinji, fusses over him.
Misato makes Asuka second string against Arael and then it invades her mind, taints her, and Misato has nothing for her afterward. No words of comfort. Asuka flees to a friends house (Hikari) and Misato never so much as telephones to try and find her. She's thrown away like so much garbage when her synch rate finally bottoms out. And when Asuka finally teeters close enough to the edge to run away from home and try and end it in a bathtub in a ruined apartment, it takes a week for them to reel her in.
When she fights her final battle, Asuka is alone. Misato promises to find Shinji. To bring him back and help. She never does.
The stream will keep going until he tells her to stop. Months of resentment and quiet neglect and cold indifference hiding behind a cheerful smile. ]
cw: suicide
Asuka should pull away, storm off, shove Lavellan off of her, but he wants to understand. He offers an outlet. He wants to hate as much as she does, so she stays, slumped on the dining room floor, Lavellan curled against her back. It's horrifying in its intimacy and a part of her is screaming at it and recoiling.
But he knows. He can read her like a book. And he asks. He wants to know. She doesn't know how use the link yet, just that it is, but she can try. She has painful memories. And she'll share. It isn't neat or ordered, but rather a confusing mish-mash in roughly chronological order, scenes bleeding into one another, tainted by the echoes of emotions she felt at the time.
She meets Misato in Germany. An older woman she tries to look up to, who reads her file, who knows what's happened to her and the pain she carries in her heart. The next time she's on an aircraft carrier and Misato is the one who Kaji seems to care for; not Asuka. After that, it accelerates, days and weeks and months blurring into one another, with a few events standing out.
Misato demonstrates that Asuka is replaceable instead of Shinji; when he can't keep up with the synchronized dance, it's Asuka who gets pulled and replaced with Rei, as if she's the one who needs to learn a lesson. Misato pushes her to descend into molten lava, deeper than is safe and almost gets her killed.
It's Shinji who earns praise, who garners attention, who is the object of Misato's affection. Her attitude toward Asuka is, at best, benign indifference, which wounds Asuka. Shinji is "number one", despite his poor attitude and refusal to follow orders. Misato says she'll actually reprimand him, but is too busy being thankful over him to do so. Despite the blow to her morale and her ego, Asuka keeps going, even as her synch rate starts to nose-dive.
It's never any one thing. It's the fake front Misato tries to wear, a thousand little cuts of indifference and distance. The fake mother who doesn't even try to understand or help Asuka, even though she knows what's wrong, has every idea what makes Asuka hurt, but prefers inaction. There's the moment Asuka breaks down in the bathroom, Misato down the hallway and within hearing. She doesn't say a word. It's the way Misato cries over Shinji, fusses over him.
Misato makes Asuka second string against Arael and then it invades her mind, taints her, and Misato has nothing for her afterward. No words of comfort. Asuka flees to a friends house (Hikari) and Misato never so much as telephones to try and find her. She's thrown away like so much garbage when her synch rate finally bottoms out. And when Asuka finally teeters close enough to the edge to run away from home and try and end it in a bathtub in a ruined apartment, it takes a week for them to reel her in.
When she fights her final battle, Asuka is alone. Misato promises to find Shinji. To bring him back and help. She never does.
The stream will keep going until he tells her to stop. Months of resentment and quiet neglect and cold indifference hiding behind a cheerful smile. ]