day 040 | cw for suicide

[inflori]

[ He doesn't know where Aoba has been. He had a sense, and for all he knew, he was happy to ignore any part of his broodmate that might or might not have been involved in the mission. That wasn't to change as soon as they were back on the station.

Except - Aoba would change it for Petre. The same sense that he has about Aoba starts to dull, then it speeds up, the murmur of panic that immediately sinks down your rib cage and makes it crush down on your thoughts. Petre has little to no idea how to conceal emotion. He's too transparent, except when he's impersonating someone else, and when Aoba's last second of life ticks --

There's the sound of a symbiote's breath being snatched right off its host's lungs before Petre collapses, hitting his head hard on the floor. ]

[ ooc: this is an open post for people to react to anything mentioned above, from 'wtf just happened' to finding Petre and taking him to where the other comatose hosts are resting. ]

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[adamance]

[Lexa is—was—will perhaps always be concerned with Petre because of his closeness with Angel. Her affection for the woman has faded into platonic fondness, but that's only due to Lexa's shift (and that there are others who held [hold] her heart more tightly). The loss of Aoba isn't as prominent as it may have been if it had been connected to someone closer to her—like Ahsoka with her loss of Anakin—but she feels it just the same.

Her mind takes a moment to recover before she finds herself moving swiftly through the Station to seek out Petre. Though she has spoken of him almost like a petulant, troublesome child, her fondness for him is what guides her here. He's not unlike Clarke's delinquents in a way. And he's not unlike some of the younger warriors from the clan where she grew up, arrogant and cocky, desperate to prove themselves as able to survive in a difficult world.

Once she finds him, she keeps her emotions restrained (as if she feels nothing, as if she puts a lock on them the moment they threaten to break through). Her hands seek out his head to examine it, to ensure that it's not his life that threatens to pull away, and she waits, mind open, for anyone who might care to join her.]

[wille]

[ Misato feels responsible for him. That's how it starts. No one with half a mind would ever mistake her of a bleeding heart, but here she is continuing her habit of taking in strays. Pen Pen, Shinji, Asuka (no, not quite)? It isn't all so good and lofty, what it comes down to is a pathetic sort of loneliness and a cowardly heart too afraid of rejection. Strays won't turn her away, they won't abandon her because by definition they can't, see?

Too crude? Well, maybe it isn't true. Maybe she does care. The truth is, she can't even say for sure.

But the fact of the matter is that her feet has led her here regardless, slow steps toward Lexa and the boy lying prone on the ground before she crouches low to join them. Her expression is clearly worried, weighed by trepidation and a measure of guilt, but she doesn't allow herself to feel loss. ]

He's only sleeping, right?

[adamance]

For now. When he awakens, we may need to keep an eye on him. He's prone to rash actions when he has nothing to contain him. [If pressed, Lexa would say that Petre has had nothing since Angel saw fit to never awaken again. But she knows better than to think of it that way. He has done well since then, has somehow managed to keep himself from being overly rash. It is something that can be commended.]

He's suffered a loss. You felt it, didn't you? [It's the first since Misato arrived. Pointing it out, making it clear, seems important. By making it a teaching moment, she can keep her own emotions at bay.]

[wille]

[ When. When he awakens. She looks up to Lexa at that, glad for the confidence even while recognizing that familiar insistence on one's own convictions no matter how unlikely or misguided. It's also familiar, this method of calling something out, making it substantial in order to reduce its hold on oneself.

Misato nods, lowering her eyes to brush back Petre's hair from his forehead. It's so easy to love someone when they're asleep, when one can impute whatever qualities one wishes to see in another. ]

He did well at the mission. Really well. I haven't told him yet. [ It's not fair, but then, what is? ] Maybe it's a good thing for him to rest a little bit.

[adamance]

That you were wiling to recognize that in him will mean everything. I've always had the sense that few others have done the same for him. [For her part, her relationship with Petre has always been more pestering and bantering, like two friends who like to pry answers out of one another without being direct. But she has always believed in a certain need at the heart of what he does. Even though he comes from a culture and manages in a certain way that she can hardly accept (at least for herself), she realizes that her time to grow fond of him has managed to smooth over some of the more ... difficult parts of who he happens to be.]

Remember that.

[The words hang in the air cleanly as she looks down at his face. Not unlike Katie, she's come to see Petre almost as if someone she's duty-bound to protect. Odd, but true.]

Shall we begin to move him?

[wille]

[ Few others have had the courage and inclination to tell another person their worth, to say I believe in you and mean it wholeheartedly. It comes so easily to Misato that she doesn't think much of it, that she wonders why others don't do the same. Maybe one loves others only the way one has been loved, or no, the way one wants to be loved. She still isn't sure which is true in her case. ]

He'll wake up. [ Such conviction in something so uncertain is unbecoming in an adult. ] I'll tell him then, and you should too.

[ In response to Lexa, she shifts her hand to support his neck and reaches over to bend his knees. She stops to bite back a chuckle. Ill-timed? Probably. ]

You know-- this scene right here must be in the fantasies of many teen boys out there.

[adamance]

[Will she tell him? That's to be decided. Lexa and Petre's relationship is one that's left a lot of room for humor, even when Lexa herself seems to be devoid of a sense of humor. (She's not, for what it's worth. But with Petre, she plays it up a bit all for the sake of being difficult.)]

I'm not one to take part in Petre's fantasies, [she remarks, knowing full well that he would enjoy this. Maybe not to a real degree, but he would certainly remark upon it if he were awake.] I've made that clear to him. You ought to do the same.

[Even here, her voice is so flat, so even, that it's likely hard to tell that she's playing along with what Misato has said. But she is.]

[wille]

I don't take orders as a rule.

[ Orders masquerading as suggestions notwithstanding, not unless it's from someone signing her paychecks, and even then. But there's mirth behind her words. She doesn't plan on withholding her emotions, and this is relevant, because Petre is coming back. She starts to maneuver his arms and torso over her shoulders to lift him up in a fireman's carry. Easy enough. Arguments against women in the military: dashed. ]

Do we have to put him inside a pod? [ That seems too final somehow. ] How about a real bed just for a day. He could wake up before then.

[adamance]

He'd prefer the bed. I know I did. [Returning to the roots where they first started made her uncomfortable, but she knows (perhaps not entirely, but the nature of the beast lent itself to that) that she had started off on a bed. Claiming that she preferred it is more a matter of her trying to steal power away from the act of being comatose.]

But it may be longer than a day. What just happened may be wearing on him. He has lost two. The connections are permanently severed.

[wille]

Hmm. You'll tell me he prefers the bed but won't tell him what he needs to hear?

[ That is the sound of a certain someone being extremely judgmental with or without merit, coupled with a look that dismisses all doubt that Misato means anything else. She shifts Petre's body for better balance, then starts setting off on her way, steps slow and steady. ]

How many have you lost?

[adamance]

Some people are more suitable to say what someone wants to hear. [Lexa is perfectly capable of praise, of trying to guide someone in the right direction. Her approach with Petre is one that doesn't involve praise. He seeks it, almost to validate himself, and she gives him attention in other ways.

Ones that she thinks are better.

(And she thinks she's always right, which is that little catch ...)]

My losses have only been to those who have slipped away. Who are comatose like him. Their hearts still beat. [There's a certain detachment to her words. Lexa's struggles with her Nest began early on, and now that she's without them, she is largely fearful because she knows that lacking that support may hurt her ability to survive. In breaking it down that way, she tries to remove herself emotionally from it, because the other route might lead her to believe that she was somehow at fault for losing them. And Lexa is never quick to place blame on herself.]

[wille]

[ Lexa, this is Misato giving you the look she has reserved for Commander Ikari and his pointed neglect toward his one and only son. It's a look of judgment, disappointment and what-the-fuckery. ]

Sleeping your life away isn't life. They might as well be dead.

[ Harsh? Maybe so. But harsh truths and slaps across the face are kinder than letting the people she cares about waste away. She thinks this is is kindness, in a roundabout way. She may be calling the comatose Hosts as good as dead, including the one she's carrying on her back, but see, Petre is bound to wake up. By extension, Sirius is bound to wake and so is Beth, so all of them would be retroactively forgiven, redeemed, the moment they stir from their coma.

It's a brand of logic that only works in Misato's head. ]

[adamance]

It's different when someone dies here. [The words are so flat, so even in her delivery that it's as if she's ignoring Misato's first expression. She isn't, but Lexa also isn't easily chastised. At least, she's not on the surface. Forcing the matter might bring about a different reaction from her, but she's not quick to say it.] The feeling of loss varies. When someone dies, there is no chance that they might return to you. You feel as if you've lost a limb. Petre has lost two.

[Lexa doesn't know if it's clear that she's speaking factually rather than in terms of anything else. There are those in her brood that she misses, but she knows that her lost was nowhere near as painful as it had been for Angel to lose the first Parker, or for Castor to lose Anakin. She can imagine why Petre's strength gave out, at least for a moment.

And she knows that her broodmates living is all but an unfortunate boon. But they do live. At least she doesn't know what it feels like to lose that much of herself.]

[wille]

[ Misato doles out her judgment as easily as she dismisses her early verdicts with an absent turn of the head, expression turning less angry and more thoughtful. Sirius sleeps still, and Beth-- Beth said she would want to be woken up, but would it be more merciful to let them sleep? Less selfish. She thinks she would rather be dead, or alive, but never in between. It's so much harder to settle on a black-and-white view, the way she prefers, when Petre hangs in the balance.

She shifts his weight against her shoulder slightly. ]

That's why. You should do something nice for him when he wakes up. He'd deserve it, right?

[adamance]

I've watched over him for a long time, Misato. Since his preferred broodmate began to slip away and return on a regular basis. It's what I intend to continue to do. [Lexa doesn't point out that her version of "doing something nice" is protecting another person, or that the typical definition of that falls flat for her. She doesn't really do nice things for others. It's a weird truth for her.]

That I do that should be enough for you. [These final words are pointed, because it's more about what Misato feels Petre needs than any understanding of the dynamic that Lexa has with him.]