[ The horrible part about the words he says to her is that they're genuine. Maybe for the first time, he's being honest with her and it hurts. In a way, it hurts more than if he'd continued his indifference or his attempts to keep her at an emotional arm's length. She'd been prepared for that - hoping for something different, but steeling herself for the inevitable dismissal. But she can feel the guilt and the sorrow leaking through the lin kthey share now and it's all too real. She wants to scream about not wanting pity, not wanting help, but she's past that now, isn't she? For all that she despises accepting help (or says she does), this is what she's wanted.
Validation.
Someone to tell her that it's not all in her head. The thought's occurred to her more than once: that all the indifference and cold dismissal was in her head. That she was imagining things. That she was crazy and to expect anything else out of the world besides empty smiles, pats on the head, and the cold dismissal was the height of insanity.
But he's admitting it. That she's been failed. And it's not just NERV; in a way, "NERV" is just a stand-in for everyone else. Him, Misato, Shinji Ikari, her mother, her father, her step-mother. He means it.
She digs the heel of her palm into her eye, scrubbing at the sudden sting. She's not going to cry. She's not crying. ]
Of course I know that, idiot! Why are you saying that now?
[ There's a tightness in her throat, an exasperation in her tone, a choked quality. Why now, why only now is he telling her that and being honest? Where was this months ago? Years ago? It's selfish of her, she knows, to expect more. To have wanted anything else. It's just the wya the world is, right? ]
Kaji-
[ Another choke, because she hates this. She hates feeling vulnerable and scared and raw and open, but she can't stop it and she can't help it. ]
I'm glad you're here. [ It's a small voice. Not the exuberance or the lilting joy of a teenager with a crush. It's something smaller; a child telling an adult a secret held close to the chest. She wants to touch him; wants him to touch her. A reassurance he's real, but she can't reach out like that. She's already on the verge of tears and she's sure that if it happens, she's going to break down and she's not sure she's ready or willing to handle the shame of letting him see her that raw and open.
no subject
Validation.
Someone to tell her that it's not all in her head. The thought's occurred to her more than once: that all the indifference and cold dismissal was in her head. That she was imagining things. That she was crazy and to expect anything else out of the world besides empty smiles, pats on the head, and the cold dismissal was the height of insanity.
But he's admitting it. That she's been failed. And it's not just NERV; in a way, "NERV" is just a stand-in for everyone else. Him, Misato, Shinji Ikari, her mother, her father, her step-mother. He means it.
She digs the heel of her palm into her eye, scrubbing at the sudden sting. She's not going to cry. She's not crying. ]
Of course I know that, idiot! Why are you saying that now?
[ There's a tightness in her throat, an exasperation in her tone, a choked quality. Why now, why only now is he telling her that and being honest? Where was this months ago? Years ago? It's selfish of her, she knows, to expect more. To have wanted anything else. It's just the wya the world is, right? ]
Kaji-
[ Another choke, because she hates this. She hates feeling vulnerable and scared and raw and open, but she can't stop it and she can't help it. ]
I'm glad you're here. [ It's a small voice. Not the exuberance or the lilting joy of a teenager with a crush. It's something smaller; a child telling an adult a secret held close to the chest. She wants to touch him; wants him to touch her. A reassurance he's real, but she can't reach out like that. She's already on the verge of tears and she's sure that if it happens, she's going to break down and she's not sure she's ready or willing to handle the shame of letting him see her that raw and open.
She doesn't like letting people see her cry. ]