( clarke's shaking her head within the gentle cup of his hands, the wetness in her eyes had never really left, and swells to the point of tears sticking her eyelashes together. it's not a no, but neither is it a yes. clarke hadn't been ready for the city of light, hadn't been ready for the station, or the emotional feedback from the other hosts courtesy of the symbiote. she wasn't entirely ready for this mission, either, but that hadn't cracked her resolve beyond repair. the thought of seeing lexa again shatters it.
there's an emotional pain turned physical within her ribcage, overrides her awareness of anything he might be feeling in turn. the visceral sensation people call heartbreak, a ghost of the fist that had curled around her lungs while lexa had bled out on white fur bedclothes. it's a fresh kind of hurt — it's grief and guilt, and a most unwelcome sort of hope. a hint of selfish fear, because for the first time since waking up in pod, clarke's scared for herself. what this could do to her.
she'd buried losing lexa like all the others. locked it down and forged ahead to save those she still could. now, teetering on the edge of a precipice of guilt, all clarke can bring herself to do is whisper. )
Bellamy — ( you killed her, titus had told her, looking every bit as broken by the loss as clarke had felt, felt right now. i may have pulled the trigger, but you killed her. she's not ready for this, but eventually tears imploring eyes from his face, chances a glance at the door with a numb sort of awareness that someone she'd give anything — but was terrified — to see again could be on the other side.
none of this would be truly real until the handle turned. )
no subject
there's an emotional pain turned physical within her ribcage, overrides her awareness of anything he might be feeling in turn. the visceral sensation people call heartbreak, a ghost of the fist that had curled around her lungs while lexa had bled out on white fur bedclothes. it's a fresh kind of hurt — it's grief and guilt, and a most unwelcome sort of hope. a hint of selfish fear, because for the first time since waking up in pod, clarke's scared for herself. what this could do to her.
she'd buried losing lexa like all the others. locked it down and forged ahead to save those she still could. now, teetering on the edge of a precipice of guilt, all clarke can bring herself to do is whisper. )
Bellamy — ( you killed her, titus had told her, looking every bit as broken by the loss as clarke had felt, felt right now. i may have pulled the trigger, but you killed her. she's not ready for this, but eventually tears imploring eyes from his face, chances a glance at the door with a numb sort of awareness that someone she'd give anything — but was terrified — to see again could be on the other side.
none of this would be truly real until the handle turned. )