[ When he forces eye contact, she stares up at him with a red-rimmed eye, blinking away the tears that still prickle at the corner of her eye and dampen her eyepatch. She doesn't want to think about what she's going to do or how she's going to do it. This isn't supposed to be about that; this is meant to be catharsis. This is meant to be a chance for her to let it out. Not decide on the path she's going to take. Anger flares in her chest, fighting with the flood of other emotions that are already overwhelming her. Her jaw clenches and she takes a breath in, sniffling as she tries to clear snot. Her fingers tighten against his clothing and then she draws a hand back to draw it underneath her nose, eye blinking rapidly, pupil dilating as she tries to deal with the impression she gets from him.
Why is he asking her this? Why is he asking her questions that he knows the answers to? Her throat works in a swallow and her voice emerges as a croak until she pauses and forces it out, voice cracking. ]
Forget? I can't forget! [ It's louder than she meant, almost a yell, anger crackling underneath the surface. ]
Why are you even asking me that? [ The hand that's still fisted in his robe opens, turns into a push. ]
I don't want to forget!
[ A part of her does, but another part of her knows that to forget and to try to run away would be horrific. It would make her like Shinji (and she can't think of anything more abhorrent). ]
I'm going to fight! I'm here and I have a mission again! [ I'm not a child.
But she knows what she is and she's going to keep doing the only thing she knows how to do: fight. Be useful. Find the target; eliminate it. She doesn't get to be a "normal" teenager and she never will. She lost that chance a long time ago. That path is closed to her and trying to pry it back open will only result in more heartache. ]
Why are you asking me this? Do you think that I'm going to run away like Ikari did? [ She spits the name out and now the anger is winning, her yelling coming in between sobs. Ikari. She hates the name, hates the thought of the scared, pathetic boy who she had to live with for months. Hates that he never tried, hates that he left her to die, hates that he tried to strangle the life out of her.
She slaps her hand against his chest. There's not enough force to do much other than get his attention. ]
I can't run away. I don't want to run away. There's nothing left back home, there's nothing to go back to, so I have to keep going! I can't get stuck like Misato! I can't pretend that we can fix it, because we can't! [ All of her frustration with Misato creeps out, mixing in with the anger. The thought that somehow they could change the past, go back and fix everything if they just tried hard enough, is a fool's errand and she knows it. The only way out is through (forward). ]
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Why is he asking her this? Why is he asking her questions that he knows the answers to? Her throat works in a swallow and her voice emerges as a croak until she pauses and forces it out, voice cracking. ]
Forget? I can't forget! [ It's louder than she meant, almost a yell, anger crackling underneath the surface. ]
Why are you even asking me that? [ The hand that's still fisted in his robe opens, turns into a push. ]
I don't want to forget!
[ A part of her does, but another part of her knows that to forget and to try to run away would be horrific. It would make her like Shinji (and she can't think of anything more abhorrent). ]
I'm going to fight! I'm here and I have a mission again! [ I'm not a child.
But she knows what she is and she's going to keep doing the only thing she knows how to do: fight. Be useful. Find the target; eliminate it. She doesn't get to be a "normal" teenager and she never will. She lost that chance a long time ago. That path is closed to her and trying to pry it back open will only result in more heartache. ]
Why are you asking me this? Do you think that I'm going to run away like Ikari did? [ She spits the name out and now the anger is winning, her yelling coming in between sobs. Ikari. She hates the name, hates the thought of the scared, pathetic boy who she had to live with for months. Hates that he never tried, hates that he left her to die, hates that he tried to strangle the life out of her.
She slaps her hand against his chest. There's not enough force to do much other than get his attention. ]
I can't run away. I don't want to run away. There's nothing left back home, there's nothing to go back to, so I have to keep going! I can't get stuck like Misato! I can't pretend that we can fix it, because we can't! [ All of her frustration with Misato creeps out, mixing in with the anger. The thought that somehow they could change the past, go back and fix everything if they just tried hard enough, is a fool's errand and she knows it. The only way out is through (forward). ]