Started doing drugs when I was thirteen. It was shit I stole out of the nurses office. She started it. I went fucking bonko and tried to smash my own head in on a sink, so they medicated me and I didn't want to be un-fucking-medicated. So I'd steal the shit from her, and she didn't fuckin' care, and then I found the harder stuff and then I added the booze and it was great. I didn't have to feel a fucking thing. No stress, no loneliness, no longing, no exhaustion, nothin'. And people let me be that way, as long as I passed my tests and killed who I was told to.
And then I'm twenty, and another alien shows up. And he and Sparrows start screaming at each other, day in and day out. Then the kids start to go missing, the really little creche kids that nobody's paying attention to. And I shrug it off. Then they start blowing up cities, because killing us one by one under the knife is too small scale for these alien scumsuckers.
And then people start tracking it, pathos people like us, they figure out who's doing it and they get together and they march on our school thinking they're just gonna kill some bad guys and be done with it. Kill a whole bunch of school girls first, and then get themselves killed because they didn't realize the aliens they were trying to fight were too fuckin' big for them to manage.
And I'm standing there, surrounded by dead kids in this trashed mansion, watching these people I don't know get smacked out of the fucking sky, their blood raining down on me.
[ She doesn't bother to narrate this for many people. Noctis knows. That's it, and she's only ever shared the memories, not the words. But she was asked a very specific question, so she's answering. ]
And I just think it isn't fair. That those alien fucks are so damn big, trampling on this little world. Just. What the fuck. There needs to be someone big enough to stand up to them. And I realize it's me.
[ She tugs the neck of her costume open, pulling it down to show the tip of the scar that goes from the middle of her ribs up to her collarbones. ]
It used to be open. Used to be a portal somewhere else. But I turned it inside out, beat the shit out of them, and then woke up later like this.
And I haven't been able to... go back.
[ To the drugs. To the drinking. ]
There's so much that hurts. If I tried to-- If I tried to make it numb, I'd kill myself trying.
cw: particularly explicit addiction stuffs
Started doing drugs when I was thirteen. It was shit I stole out of the nurses office. She started it. I went fucking bonko and tried to smash my own head in on a sink, so they medicated me and I didn't want to be un-fucking-medicated. So I'd steal the shit from her, and she didn't fuckin' care, and then I found the harder stuff and then I added the booze and it was great. I didn't have to feel a fucking thing. No stress, no loneliness, no longing, no exhaustion, nothin'. And people let me be that way, as long as I passed my tests and killed who I was told to.
And then I'm twenty, and another alien shows up. And he and Sparrows start screaming at each other, day in and day out. Then the kids start to go missing, the really little creche kids that nobody's paying attention to. And I shrug it off. Then they start blowing up cities, because killing us one by one under the knife is too small scale for these alien scumsuckers.
And then people start tracking it, pathos people like us, they figure out who's doing it and they get together and they march on our school thinking they're just gonna kill some bad guys and be done with it. Kill a whole bunch of school girls first, and then get themselves killed because they didn't realize the aliens they were trying to fight were too fuckin' big for them to manage.
And I'm standing there, surrounded by dead kids in this trashed mansion, watching these people I don't know get smacked out of the fucking sky, their blood raining down on me.
[ She doesn't bother to narrate this for many people. Noctis knows. That's it, and she's only ever shared the memories, not the words. But she was asked a very specific question, so she's answering. ]
And I just think it isn't fair. That those alien fucks are so damn big, trampling on this little world. Just. What the fuck. There needs to be someone big enough to stand up to them. And I realize it's me.
[ She tugs the neck of her costume open, pulling it down to show the tip of the scar that goes from the middle of her ribs up to her collarbones. ]
It used to be open. Used to be a portal somewhere else. But I turned it inside out, beat the shit out of them, and then woke up later like this.
And I haven't been able to... go back.
[ To the drugs. To the drinking. ]
There's so much that hurts. If I tried to-- If I tried to make it numb, I'd kill myself trying.