station72 | mental link, day...36? sure.

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mental link, day...36? sure.

[ Technically, it came up a few days ago, but Sam's been letting something bounce around in his head to see if the possibility gets less troublesome after he sleeps on it. And sleeps on it a couple more times.

~~or he's just saying it late so the newbies can hear it too, w/e~~

It's not getting any less freaky. So, out of left field: ]

( So if aliens can hack our emotions, do we...actually know they can't mess with everything else? Memories? Are we actually who we think we are?

What if there is no spoon? )

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( ...okay, good point. )

( Just the same, I think what we have to worry about is whether they take us to prolong this species, or whether there truly are only certain Hosts. Are we meant to see this as a gift, or are we nothing but a means to an end? How is it that the Enemy recognizes us for who we are, but they can't find us before our bodies and our people are threatened?

There is a great deal to be paranoid about, but our memories are not it. In time, that may come to be the case, but too many of us are too new to this experience. When you speak to Carata or Nirad, you can see what may come of us with regards to our memories: we will savor who we were less if we give in to this experience fully. )

( I dunno if I like who I was that much, but I don't want to throw it out the window, either. )

( Why don't you know? )

[His response is surprising. While Lexa preaches adaptation for most, Sam is not someone who she thinks has failed at that particular task.]

( I've screwed up a lot of stuff. )

[ It doesn't explain much, but it's about the best way to encompass all of the things he thinks he could've done better. Or not been a jerk about. ]

( Being someone else doesn't mean that you will stop making mistakes.

You'll make different ones instead. )

[It feels simple enough, but it's not as if she knows doubt. She covers it up far more securely than anyone would be able to guess, but it is still there. A leader without doubt is no one, but a leader who doubts too much will never be decisive. Her life is knowing those doubts and weighing them.]

( You're better off owning who you are. )

( Owning it still doesn't mean you have to like it, though. )

[ He'll readily admit to having been kind of a cocky douche when he first got his powers. He'll admit to having royally screwed up a few times, like with Skaarn. And that stuff is fixed, so even that doesn't weigh on him too much.

Spending half his life being an asshole to his dad, for reasons that weren't even valid...he'll definitely own up to having done it, but he's still going to be angry with himself for it for a long time yet. ]

( Say you failed to make those mistakes. Would you be who you are today? )

[Lexa could say something consolatory here about how no one likes every aspect of themselves, but she isn't interested in that. Sam is under her care, and teaching a warrior is more than brute force. When she taught her novitiates (which he is far from one, not seen as a potential commander-to-be in any way), she made certain that they understood more than just the aggressive aspects.

She had favored Aden because he showed wisdom beyond his years, understanding the goals of the coalition. In most of the others, she saw those traits as well, and they all believed in the peace that she hoped to bring to her people. But they still doubted themselves, fearing that their mistakes in training or in their individual villages would reflect on their future decisions.]

( ...I don't know. )

[ Maybe not.

He'd probably be a lot less angry, for one. ]

( If I met that Sam Alexander, what would he be like? How would he handle this situation? )

( ...I don't think he'd be half as ticked off about being here. )

[ Still angry, probably. But not hauling around the same load of guilt about how rocky his relationship with his father had been. Maybe his father still would've disappeared into space, maybe Sam still would've been scouring the galaxy to find him, but he wouldn't feel that same sense of gut panic, he thinks, about the prospect of being here and never going back.

Because after he'd thought they were fixing things, that they were okay again, and then it had been a clone the entire time, now there's a nagging voice at the back of his mind saying: you're never going to get to fix things. ]

( We're all angry about this situation. ) [See: a generalization that Lexa absolutely wishes she could make true. More people should hate it, honestly.]

( You're leaving out a great deal of who you are. )

( Yeah, I know, but - ) [ Ugh, is there even a way to explain this without spewing feelings everywhere? Of course not, why would it be that easy. ] ( I wouldn't be mad the same way. Because at least then if I'm stuck I wouldn't be thinking I blew my last chance to make up for being such a - )

[ What's the word he even wants. Brat? Dick?

Or he could just steer that thought to the left instead. ]

( I wouldn't be as mad at myself. )

[ Because really, he's mad at himself a lot more than he'd like to admit. ]

( You live, don't you? How can you say you've blown it? )

[Her questions are ones that are more leading than trying to minimize what he's trying to say. Lexa is one of those devil's advocate types that can, at times, be incredibly frustrating.]

( Because I screwed up everything with my dad and I don't know if I'm ever going to find him and fix it. )

( You won't. Carata and Nirad speak as if there is no way out of this situation. Even if we succeed, it may be too late to return to our people as we are. )

( Awesome. )

[ Deadpan. ]

( It doesn't mitigate your concerns. If anything, I'm certain you'll come to berate yourself more for it. But that is not something you can control. Life isn't unlike a war. You can want to change, or set things right, or make certain things happen. But once you are thrown into the chaos, much spins out of your control.

It isn't easy to bear, but you were a warrior there and you're a warrior now. Something may have happened either way. )

( What's even the use of having power if I can't use it to change the important stuff? )

[ ...are the words, but the feeling, really, is more specific. What's the point of being Nova if I can't find the one person I need to bring home.

He already knows the answer, on his good days. But today hasn't been a very good day. ]

( Part of the lesson in having power is knowing that you can't control everything. It's also learning to differentiate what is important to us and what is important for the greater good.

Sometimes we must make sacrifices so that more people can survive. )

["Survive" is a word that mostly applies to her world, but she assumes that Sam will make the necessary translation over to his own understanding.]

( Right. I think I heard this one from Spidey. "With great power comes great responsibility." )

[ And most of the time he manages to remember it, honestly, but every now and then the pot boils over and he just wants to kick something and yell about it not being fair. ]

[Did he just imply that a spider talked to him about responsibility?

... Well, one of her broodmates is Ahsoka, so she's seen weird things. And thus rolls with it (but there is the sense that, yes, she understood that as "a spider told me a lesson about responsibility").]

( It's a difficult lesson to undertake. ... I believe that it's possible to sacrifice too much along the way. Striking a balance is difficult. But there are some things you can't impact, and you didn't choose to come here, Sam. You can't hate yourself for a failure you can't reverse, and may not have been able to reverse. You can only fight this war, and hope we're more effectual at it than those who came before us. )

Edited 2016-09-17 19:44 (UTC)

[ ...ah.

If that's what she makes of Spidey, he has to wonder what she'd think if he started talking about Faira or Aracely. ]

( I don't - )

[ "Hate myself," is where he was going, but starting to say it is enough to make him second-guess himself. If she's right, and he's being too hard on himself, then that's not as different as he'd like to think, is it? ]

( ...yeah. Okay. )

( You may not now. But it's easy to find yourself on that path.

While you're here, you can still be a hero. ) [It's a concept she doesn't actually subscribe to, but she understands that it's something significant to his world and worldview. That's something she can readily accept.]

( Many here are selfish. Focused on revenge. Their personal needs. ) [Lexa names no names, but he'll recall their conversation about Castor.] ( But many of us do not want to see more from our world targeted by the Enemy or to know they may turn up at the Station. This is a war we need to end.

You took on that role for a reason, Sam. I don't get the impression it's one you'd drop because of a significant setback. )

[Because in the end, that's what it is in her eyes.]

[ She's right.

What if somebody else wound up here? Kamala? Miles? Bill, or Rocket? As much as he misses having anyone familiar around, it's nothing he'd wish on anyone he actually likes.

He hadn't been entirely altruistic about putting on the helmet for the first time. Not always all the times after that. But somewhere along the line, he'd realized that it wasn't about him. ]

( You're right.

Thanks. )

[ Sometimes, reminders work better when they're coming from someone else. It feels less like he's desperately trying to convince himself that there's still a point. ]

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adamance - 2016-09-21 02:37 (UTC) - Expand

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