station72 | mental link

Entry tags:

mental link

[ someone's up and awake again. Not so tired sounding, though. This time, she's remembered to go and eat before she reaches out to the rest of the hive. ]

( Is anyone in the Bearings that can give me an update on what I've... missed? As much detail as possible.

If it were safer, I might suggest we start keeping more accessible records for these... interludes. )

[ She's not fond of this not knowing everything all the time ever. Which on the note of: she sighs, little echoing tumbling thought that is edged with frustration. ]

( And... does anyone what kind of tricks lions should do? Are they meant to be predators? Are they meant to be tamed?

.... Actually, does anyone know what a lion is? I'm starting to realise I don't know very much about animals if they aren't trying to eat you. Which isn't particularly useful, right now. )

[ ... and for anyone looking for Angel, she will be with a strew of mechanical parts around her that is half in her room, half in the corridor for her shiny new, tackely bright gold performing robotic lion. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( It appears my faith still isn't misplaced when it comes to knowing whether you'll return to us.

That said, I much prefer you awake to sleeping. )

[Lexa has so few confidants that she does miss Angel when she's gone, even if she will never grow to be particularly good at showing it.]

( I hope it never is.

I much prefer to be awake. )

[ It's breezey, comfortable - she's glad to hear from her. Because whatever is passed between them, it simply is, and she cares - she always does. ]

( Hey, Lexa. )

[Time heals, and Lexa has at least come to find herself comfortable with Bellamy being here. In having one of Her People, it aids her. In other ways, she's brittle and uncertain, like iron that has yet to break, but she conceals it. She conceals it from everyone, no matter the person in question, but it's clear that there is something she's concealing whereas before, her restraint in emotions came more naturally.]

( Hello. I kept an eye on Petre for you, but he proved difficult at times. And suggested that I would make a bad girlfriend. ) [It's an amusing, lighter thought—one that she shares to add a little bit of cheer.

Before:]

( But with your waking, it seems Rhys has gone to sleep. It may be temporary. I hope it is. I've managed to drag a truce out of him. ) [That is much more positive than the bickering it involved, but she at least hoped he recognized that she had no intention to threaten him again.

Besides, she had much more in hand with him than she does with Ahsoka, who she still struggles to connect with.]

[ She's almost worried when Lexa says that - the last thing she needs is Petre picking at someone she cares about. He could become - so very odd about some things, sometimes. ]

( Petre... can let his mouth get away from him sometimes. )

[ She's trying, at least, to teach him some subtlety, it doesn't always work. About to say something further on it, but then - ]

( Oh.... I am... I am glad you did. ) [ a truce, she means, and she feels something tight. Rhys brought her the most precious news anyone from home could bring her. That Jack was dead, she will always be fond of him for that. ] ( I am sorry, too, I know it's hard when brood... goes away like that. )

[ Turns herself away, outwards from the knot in her own chest. Easier always to care about others. ]

( He can, but takes more than that to weaken me. I've grown ... used to his presence. Sour words are nothing, and as the Commander of my people, you can understand that I've heard worse. ) [She's only explaining for Angel's sake: it's the hint of worry that compels her to explain herself. Of course, someone had made an attempt on her life the very day she had been threatened by the Enemy. It happens. She has the scars to show it.]

( Does it grow easier to lose them? ) [Lexa has so much going on that she hardly managed to give attention to the loss of Hux, and now with Rhys ...

The closeness is still the issue she doesn't like, because it's unavoidable.]

[ Another she might - say something more soothing. Making pretty words but the truth is there was only three of them left and she had barely knew the others, in truth, but it was sliced open in her, nothing seemed to heal it. ]

( I thought it might have. But it hasn't.

You learn to live with them gone. That's all. )

( My people would see our pain as a weakness. I've overcome many things in my life because I was not allowed to show weakness, and sometimes I've wondered if I would be better off with them all gone. ) [That isn't to say she's acted on it, nor will she. There is no intent to these words at all.

But they are connections, people who can affect her and impact her.

Admitting that fear is difficult, but not as difficult as it could be.

And above all else, she still believes she maintains a distance from her words.]

( Your pain or your people? )

[There's a hint of restrained feeling, like she recognizes that her words were misunderstood.]

( We wish we could all be without pain. ) [It's a generalization, but one that she completely believes is true. Why wouldn't she?]

( But I was referring to my brood. ) [The absence of them causes problems, but the potential loss of them causes problems, as well.]

[ She uses her brood, vastly different to Lexa, she encourages, keeps them close, uses soft words to get what she wants. Her own way, her own method. ]

( I prefer to see them as a strength. In their different ways, granted, and me to my own but - it's how I've taken to them. )

( I think you'll understand that ties like that are ones I prefer to choose to make, rather than give over freely. I had no choice in my broodmates, just as they had no choice in having me. We are weakened by that lack of choice. )

[If nothing else, Lexa does play favorites. It's something she barely conceals.]

( That may be true, but in terms of our continued survival as a whole, it might be better to move past it. Regardless of what you all feel. It's better to find a common ground and come to certain agreements around it. )

[ There's a certain amount of secret advisement to this, between them. More as she used to be, the position she is used to occupying. ]

( Yes, we are one with one another, no different than I'm one with the spirit of the past commanders. I've hoped in the past to try to form some coherent organization among my brood, but ... circumstances have forbidden it.

I will try again. )

[If nothing else, it's not as if she can truly excise the connection without causing herself great arm. That much is an unfortunate reality in her mind.]

( Unfortunately I don't think there is much else but to keep trying. There's nothing to do when someone has an idea set in their head, unfortunately, but to do what you can. )

( And if it's my idea? You speak as if I can rely on them, or learn to. I'm not certain of this possibility. )

( I believe people can - no, I have seen the worst sort of people do it. I remember it when I find myself frustrated with those here. )

( I don't believe this to be a problem that extends from the quality of the person in question. )

[That isn't to say that Lexa sees herself as a good person; no, she sees herself as someone willing to fully embrace the necessary evils. It is only recently that she has forced herself to curb that urge, to step back and consider the other paths.

Trusting her brood feels like something more—it's admitting that her life is in their hands. It's making what has not been sentimental into exactly that. And it's allowing an invasion that she has struggled with from day one.]

( It's asking me to give what I have only ever been ready to give to the next commander. )

[Such a person will never exist, not in a place like this.]

( We're all something different here, Lexa. In that way, we're all the same. We're all just... figuring this out. )

[ It's carefully ventured. Not sure - Jack never liked the reminder - he was better, he was always better. Better than the bandits, better than the idiots that worked for him at Hyperion. Never had to give them the time of day. Leaves her skittish to broach it.

But it was the truth of their situation, so far as she saw it. ]

[There is a moment in which she recognizes the skittishness for what it is, like she's seeing it out of the corner of her eye and pauses to look toward it. There is no "verbal" recognition of it, merely the hint that she notices it, the sense that she's acknowledged it.

She doesn't know where it comes from, doesn't know the reason or the sentiment behind it, so she doesn't address it. Perhaps the balanced perception of it is what makes it difficult to present, as Lexa knows she adheres strongly to where she comes from.

Too strongly sometimes.]

( Carata told me something similar. ) [She doesn't say these words lightly; she hadn't been pleased when they came from Carata. In reality, she knows it's true, but—but:] ( We are different each day we wake up, regardless of where we are. I've always had to listen to the voices of those around me, and find a way to give them life, or realize when their voices cannot be listened to. That's how a true commander succeeds. Saying we are different because of what's within us and because we're taken from our homes is redundant. We'd be different even if we stayed and somehow lived.

I ... believe it would be better to say that it doesn't give me comfort. ) [Lexa knows that people view her as someone with a superiority complex and inflexible. Skaikru had seen her the same way. But none of them knew the careful balance, both to hold on to herself and be Heda at the same time. It's the same balance she carries now, one that doesn't make her different from anyone else. But she struggles. She struggles, because she simply doesn't like the answer available to her.

And in not liking it, she feels as if that's part of how she holds on to herself.]

[ Her lips press, her eyes paused on her machinery, she will always be skittish when it comes to the truth. It's not natural to her, honesty is her least practised trait. It's like learning a new skill, not sure how to coordinate herself. ( She is still waiting for the blow, the scream of electricity through her body ). ]

( No, it's not a comfort, and I think it's normal to mourn it. ) [ A soft acknowledgement, breathing slowly, the screw driver around in her fingers. ] ( I spent... a long time doing that. ) [ sharp memory, of how she could make the walls swim. ] ( Dreaming of what I was, what I could have been, what I should have been... didn't make it better. Eventually, hanging on, didn't change anything, for me.

I suppose, that's what makes this easier, for me. I have moved through these motions... before. I took responsibility of what was now, instead of dreaming of things past. )

[ Like Lexa had told her when she mourned her broodmate, his death ripping through her. The dead were dead, after all, all that was there, in front of her. She taken the words deep, even if it hurt. ]

[For Lexa, she has always been aware of the hypocrisy of her words, of pushing forward despite the pain and ache in her heart. Some part of her wants to no longer burn away at those feelings, to counteract every lesson Titus has ever given her because of his role in her death (in her deaths, in worlds that weren't her own—even if he may not have been the cause of all of them).

She considers Angel's words, knowing that she's said the same herself, both to Clarke and to Angel. She feels like there's a difference in the now, but it's more that it's a challenge that she can't control. Ignoring feelings is one thing. Taking action is another thing. But there is no action here that seems correct to her, too strained and distant from people to accept or know a proper path.]

( I'll see what I can do. It may not be my present to take responsibility for. ) [With the revelations about Hux and Ahsoka's response to it, she knows what she would do as a leader and decides that it may be best to act on it.

But their conflict is not hers; they are merely a part of her regardless of her choice, and she thinks it's likely that neither of them have come to realize that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

mental link

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject