station72 | You’re a stranger to me (open);

Entry tags:

You’re a stranger to me (open);

CHARACTERS: bucky barnes and you!
WHERE: bellatrix brood pods + dark corners
WHEN: once he wakes up idk which day
SUMMARY: bucky has a good nap
WARNINGS: mentions of violence, sad super soldiers etc

{bellatrix brood pods}

Bucky doesn’t remember going to sleep in a tube, but it’s not the first time this kind of thing has happened. When he opens his eyes, deja vu sours his stomach, leaving him with familiar nausea. The sense of belonging that follows immediately in its wake, though, further upsets the bile crawling up his throat. He doesn’t belong here, though he’s not immediately sure of where ‘here’ is; the Soldier is nothing but a danger to those around him.

He sinks to his knees, blinking around at his surroundings, and waits for firm hands to drag him upright before he can take his first breath. But, instead, of the hollow darkness of Siberia, the glow of the Station welcomes him in a way that grows more sickening. There are penalties for getting sick, and he swallows down the acid burning his mouth.

He waits. He waits, jaw clenched and gaze down.

——

{dark corners}

After a chance to re-orient himself with his surroundings and companions, Bucky ducks away to the relative quiet of the far corners of the Station. His head throbs with the chorus of minds connected to his own, but the hollow burn in his chest bites deeper. He had gone to sleep again and in that time, he hadn’t attacked anyone else in the Station, in direct contrast to the majority of his life, both on the Station and off. Thinking back to his arrival on the Station reminded him of something Sam had said about a ‘Sleeping Beauty act.’ Did he choose to go to sleep back on Earth? Was such a thing possible? Could he do the same here on the Station?

For now, though, he needed the space to think. No place on the Station was truly private, but the farther from his fellows, the better.

——

{wildcard???}

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[It's times like these when Bucky hates the link connecting them. There's no privacy, no sense of quiet, no hiding anything from anyone. Sam says he likes when Bucky shows emotion, but breaking through a rigid muzzle forced on him by HYDRA for decades is near impossible.

Sleeping sounds awful nice right now. Shutting his eyes for the next while will keep him out of people's hair, too. Finding a place to bunk down on the Station, though, is its own challenge.]

Sure.

[ Near impossible. But Sam’s continually amazed by how far Bucky's managed to break from them already, and as far as he's concerned Bucky's one of the strongest damn people he knows. Sam's got no doubt that he can do it, especially with a little help. ]

( I got a ship in the hangar. Far from anyone else, good escape route, already set up to be easily defensible. It's where I've been sleeping. ) [ Of anyone here, he figures he can tell Bucky that and not be considered paranoid. After the Raft - well, Sam's back to not sleeping all that easy these days. ]

( You can crash there. Won't be disturbing anyone and I can make sure no one bugs you. )

[At first, sleeping in a ship sounds almost comforting. He's done that on the way back from missions before, when his hands were caked in blood and no one dared to stop him from closing his eyes. When Sam offers to keep watch, though, Bucky finds himself asking why before he can silence the question.

Why him? Why all this effort?]

[ There's a quiet trickle of support for Bucky asking that question - not quite approval, but definitely a positive feeling.

Of course, then it means Sam has to answer it. He thinks about saying because they're friends, but that's not quite it - thinks about turning it around and asking Bucky why he shielded him from the spider guy or gave him the coin. But he doesn't want to meet Bucky's question with a question.

If Bucky asks him why, Sam'll always give him a real answer, and he lets that promise across their mental link. ]

( Lotta reasons, man, but most of them go into the things you and I disagree on right now, about the things you deserve. How about - I like you. As you are right now and for who you're figuring out you're gonna be. I want to. I think we can go this alone or we can have each other’s backs, and I wanna pick the second one. )

[Things he deserves.

What does a mass murderer deserve? What does a war criminal deserve? What does a man who ended others' lives without blinking deserve? Not just enemy combatants, but anyone who stood in the way, anyone whose only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. People with families and friends and lives cut short.

For as much as he tries to distance himself from the Soldier, Bucky refuses to remove himself from the guilt. His hands took lives. No matter if he's Sargent Barnes or Bucky with the good hair or Sunshine.

In an instant, he wants very much to be alone. Programming being what it is won't allow him to refuse outright.]

[ And there they go. Sam almost regrets saying that, calling attention to it, but it's the truth. And he could counter every one of those with another thing that Bucky was - a veteran, a prisoner of war, a victim of experimentation and torture, a loaded gun, a fucked up soldier with a shitload of PTSD. When does someone who's been through seventy plus years of misery deserve just a moment of happiness?

But it doesn’t matter. Bucky's all of those things and none of them, and Sam isn't sure he's in a space to really hear any of that.

And Bucky's silence says more than anything he could say. ]

( You think you're the only soldier who ever had blood on their hands and had to figure out how to keep going without absolving themselves of responsibility for it? You're maybe more extreme than most, but... What you did and what was done to you helped shape who you are now, but it doesn't define you. )

[ There's a feeling like an exhale, like Sam's scratching his fingers through his hair. ] ( You can still go to the ship, no one's gonna be there. )

[Bucky remains silent, or as silent as one can with the steady chatter of the Nest and one's own thoughts. The decades separating him from other soldiers were spent massacring people, day in and day out. He doesn't know what else could define him if not the deaths he caused. If he isn't the man from Steve's memories with the easy smile, then all that leaves is the Soldier. The Soldier that is always lurking just under the surface, waiting for the words, or even less these days. He's a danger to all those around him. He can't compromise Sam's safety or that of his sleeping place. Bucky knows well how valuable a good place to sleep is.

He shies away from the mental touch, pushing up walls that are little more than sand at this point.]

[ Not in a space to hear any of that it is, then.

Sam honestly hates the idea of leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts, thinking that he doesn't deserve to be around and he's nothing more than a danger, but... he can also feel that Bucky wants to be alone. And Sam's slowly coming to the somewhat uncomfortable realization that he would do damn near anything Bucky wanted - because he wanted it.

He pulls back, respecting the walls Bucky pulls up even if he could easily get through them. ]

( All right, sunshine, I can read the "get out Wilson" loud and clear. I'll catch up with you later, maybe work on those walls with you. )

[ Sam lets go of their link, pulling his own walls up tight. They've gotten stronger since he's been at the station, since he's been practicing and helping other people build theirs, and he stays true to what he said. Gives Bucky some space, hopefully so he can get some rest, and doesn't even try to keep a mental eye on him.

It's not until the next day that Sam goes looking for him, that he lets himself focus on Bucky's presence just a little. ]

( Can we talk? In person? )

[Bucky doesn't seek out the ship. He does depart the nesting deck and dives deep into the belly of the Station, removing himself as much as physically (and mentally) possible from the rest of the Nest. He doesn't go looking for Steve or Sam for company any more than he does food and the longer he's away from the others, the heavier his links become. The Nest wants him to cooperate, to be among his brood, and the programming buzzing under his skin tells him the same. Holing up in what might be an abandoned section of the life support is the best he can do and sleep comes and goes in spells, interrupted by the many faces that follow him into his dreams.

Sam's presence is little more than a ping on the radar, gentle like before.

Bucky's honestly surprised Sam let him alone this long.

It doesn't matter if he says yes or no, so he simply lights up his end of the connection like a flare.]

[ It'd matter a little. But only because if he said no Sam would probably try to tell him why they should talk, or try again later. It's something of a relief that Bucky gives him a signal to where he is, though. It's... not fun, feeling Bucky so cut off from him, feeling the distance of their brood link when his connection with Bucky has become one of the stronger ones he has.

And more than that, he likes being around the stupid guy.

So he follows the flare to whatever dark, deep section of the Station that Bucky'd sequestered himself in, carrying a big container of soup and a pair of spoons with him. ]

Hey. You still sitting here thinking that you staying away from me's the best thing for both of us?

[The lights overhead are dimmed and Bucky's seated at a small table tucked into the corner where a bunk intersects a storage locker. Bucky keeps his back to Sam and doesn't greet him outright. His shoulders remain hunched even as he replies,] Haven't hurt anyone.

[Considering that's his new standard for a decent day is downright depressing to him. Anyone else would call that standard for being a human being. And yet, here he is, cloistered in the dark because he has no control over himself. That makes him less than human and not exactly fit company.]

[ He hasn't, technically, though Sam kind of feels like pointing out that Bucky's hurting himself - and that there’s other ways of hurting people than physical. He doesn't, though. At this point he's not all that sure Bucky'd see this as hurting himself - or cares if he does.

Sam steps in closer, making sure his footsteps make noise even though he knows Bucky could probably tell he was moving in without it. It's habit, when coming up behind someone he doesn't wanna sneak up on. ]

Running don't work long term, man, we both know that. I think you and I can come up with something better.

[Bucky doesn't see it as hurting anyone at all. He's a bit more of a nuisance to find, but he's also hoping most people will give up. Sam isn't most people. With Sam's loud footsteps, Bucky doesn't need to look behind him to know where Sam's standing, even if the link weren't lit up like a firework.

Part of him knows he can't run, that there will always be another Berlin, another incident.

But there's something he needs to ask first.]

When we got here, you said I was doing a Sleeping Beauty. What'd you mean?

[ Yeah, well. Maybe Bucky hurting is the thing that hurts Sam. Except he doesn't want to admit that, so at least Bucky is safe from having to talk about that.

He frowns at that question as he takes a moment to figure out what Bucky means - and then keeps frowning. There's a part of him that wants to ask why, or hedge around answering, but Bucky deserves better than that. ]

You went back under, in Wakanda. It was a stupid decision but it was your decision, and I was a little too caught up to get the chance to tell you why it was stupid.

[ So Sam was gonna respect it, frustrating as it was. ]

[That's right. Steve mentioned consequences in the quinnjet and Sam's mind is rife with images of a cage. He was locked up for associating with Bucky. Since arriving on the Station as Sam's broodmate, Bucky's only caused him more and more trouble. It's better this way, to live separate from everyone else. That it hurts himself in the process is an added benefit. He deserves as much,if not worse. Alone he also greatly reduces the risk of injuring someone like Sam or Steve or any of the very fragile Bellatrix teenagers.

He'll get used to it eventually. Like he does everything.]

It's not stupid.

[Saying that is akin to swimming upstream, but he manages to meep his head above water for now.]

[ There's a flash of warmth at Bucky's response, something little and pleased, and Sam shoots him a smile even as he raises an eyebrow. ]

Matter of opinion. But you're entitled to yours.

[ Even if it's stupid; Sam's glad he has it. The rest of that, though, some of the stuff he can feel coming from Bucky... nah, Sam isn't gonna sit with that. ]

We gotta get something straight, though. I didn't go to prison for you. [ He bites out the word prison like he's angry, but the emotion over their bond is closer to shame than anything else. But he doesn't acknowledge it as he keeps going. ]

I didn't want to sign the Accords before Steve ever opened his big mouth, long before they went after you. Because the people they were putting in charge, they weren't anyone I trusted enough to take orders from. If it'd been Fury, maybe, but Ross - hell, either of them? Fuck no. And I knew, soon as we put one toe out of line, they weren't gonna see us as anything but criminals.

Edited 2017-03-16 19:56 (UTC)

[Bucky doesn't expect Sam's answer. He knew nothing of the Accords, from what he'd gathered in brief encounters, the primary issue had been regarding the death of families. First had been the man in black with claws that made his arm vibrate and scream at him. The other was the son of Howard Stark.

For a moment, he's quiet. Fury. He killed Nicolas Fury.

Another death that affected those around him.

His chest grows more hollow as he falls back into silence.]

[ For a moment, Sam's confused at that response, at the hollow guilt that feeds that silence, but then - oh. Sam almost wonders how the hell no one had told Bucky that he hadn't actually killed Fury, but no, of course not. They hadn't had time. ]

Fury's fine. He faked his death to give us an advantage.

[ One death off of Bucky's list, at least - but does it mean all that much when Sam knows damn well how long the list is? Not Sam's call, but at least he can set some things straight. He wants to reach out, to take Bucky's hand or comb his fingers through his hair - but he settles for doing it mentally, the quiet hint of sensations. ]

I didn't make the call to stay behind at the airport because I was protecting you. I did it because we were a team, and at the time you and Steve were our best options to save the world. It's not your fault, and I ain't saying that the same way I mean about what you've done in the past. All that is stuff you gotta live with, fault or not, but the fallout from the Accords, me going to the Raft? It ain't on you.

[Furrowing an eyebrow, Bucky finally turns around, albeit only halfway. One of his victim's didn't die. That made him and Steve Rogers the exceptions. Relief briefly brushes away the pain in his chest, before the guilt for feeling that respite follows hot on its heels. One less death out of the hundreds.

Once again he shies away from the mental touch and listens to Sam. He's still not entirely convinced of lack of blame on his part.]

He set us up. That guy. [From Berlin. In Siberia. Played the tape of the Starks' death. He meant for Steve and Bucky to escape, for Howard Stark's son to be there. If he hadn't gotten free at the airport, Steve wouldn't have left the shield behind, wouldn't have fought with a friend to save his parents' killer. ]

[ Halfway is something - and so is that relief, however brief. The guilt returns, sure, but hell of course it does. Bucky's got a lot to feel guilty for, and Sam knows damn well that this isn't ever going to be a situation where he suddenly stops. But baby steps, one moment at a time, that's something they can do. ]

I know. He played all of us. [ His jaw jets, briefly, and there's a rough swallow before he pulls a breath in and lets it out. ] I told Stark where you and Steve were. No one in the Raft was gonna get it out of me, but Stark - he said he was wrong, that he believed us. He promised to go as a friend, but his promise didn't mean shit.

[ Stark wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for Sam, and even though for the most part he knows that there was no way he could know what Zemo was really planning, even though he thought he was sending them back up, there's still just the tiniest part that feels guilty. ]

I killed his parents.

[Bucky says it out loud, despite not needing to do so. He could have thought it, but instead he chooses to bring the words to life and does so rather abruptly, as if trying to interrupt any ill feelings toward Howard Stark's son.]

That guy had the tape from the security camera.

[The one where Howard Stark recognized him. He doesn't pass any blame on his son or Sam, for telling him their location. ]

[ Sam knows - or at least, he'd suspected. He'd seen the same file Steve had, spent two years hunting for Bucky and burning through cold leads on Hydra bases. But it doesn't say that, because it feels important that Bucky said it outloud.

It always feels important whenever Bucky actually says something. ]

He was emotional. [ And he was emotional when he shot Sam in the chest after Rhodes went down, even though Sam was a fucking pararescueman and he could have done something, anything - Sam cuts himself off there.

He was overcome with anger and grief, Sam gets that. The thing is - people like Stark and him, people who choose to outfit themselves with tech that makes them really powerful and potentially destructive, they don't get to be that kind of emotional. Sam's not gonna necessarily blame Stark for his reaction either time, but he sure as hell is gonna blame him for continuing to put on the Iron Man suit when that's what grief and anger does to him. ]

I'm just saying there's a lot of blame to go around for the way everything went down. Don't hog it all for yourself.

[Bucky disagrees entirely. He ran most of the fight, tried to disable what he could of Stark's weaponry and interfere when Stark went for Steve, but he wouldn't say he's angry with the end result. His left arm reminded him of HYDRA and when he went in public, he kept a glove over the metal fingers, long before the news began to broadcast him as the infamous assassin, the Winter Soldier.

They seem to talk circles around each other, coming to the same fruitless end. Part of that, Bucky feels partially responsible. He's not the easiest to talk to about anything, much less the matter of guilt.]

So what now?

[ They disagree on some things - mostly around Bucky and guilt versus blame versus responsibility - but Sam doesn't mind it. Sure, it can get frustrating, but it's a good kind of frustrating. Hell, he even likes bickering with him. Mostly he just likes when Bucky gets comfortable enough that he can disagree, that they can talk in circles with each other.

He likes talking with Bucky, even when Bucky doesn't necessarily do a lot of spoken talking, and he lets that feeling flow across the mental link. ]

Now we keep going. It happened, you know? I don't like the way it went down but I can't change it. I deal, and I move forward. Focus on now. [ And right now he's really tired of holding this containing of soup, so he sets it down on the table. ] Now maybe we can eat some soup and talk about where to go from here.

[Bucky exhales heavily through his nostrils, turning back toward the table when Sam makes his way around it and sets the container of soup down. There's a couple other chairs in this section of the Station and he'd rather not be the only one sitting for whatever this conversation is about to be. If it's a talk about not running, he can't make any promises. He doesn't like being around people, even less since returning to the Station where everything is so loud.

He climbs to his feet to shove his chair over to Sam before briefly venturing into the hallway to grab another and carrying it in. Settling it beside the table, he sits back down and watches Sam expectantly.]

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that was supposed to be over the mental link whoops

I figured lmao I forget to code it too sometimes

sob

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