[hatch log] everything happens so much

[onemind]

CHARACTERS: New Hosts & EVERYONE
WHERE: The Station
WHEN: DAY :039
SUMMARY: New faces and old losses - a hatch occurs and a number of older hosts go comatose. Coma'd hosts include all auto-piloted dropped characters to date.
WARNINGS: Will update as necessary. Need a warning added? PM this account please!

NEW HATCHES
YOU WAKE UP and suddenly you're a different person. No. That's not right. You're you and there's no suddenly about it. It's been a while, hasn't it? It feels like waking up from a very deep, extended sleep or like surfacing up from the darkness of the ocean and right there in your own head there's something both familiar and strange. You know intuitively that you've been unconscious for more than just a blink of the eye. While it’s impossible to tell exactly how long ago or how exactly you escaped the danger that had been breathing down your neck, you're certain it was more than a moment ago.

But here you are, a small miracle of the multiverse: lying in a small faintly hexagonal chamber, a gentle white light emanating from the surrounding walls. If you were injured during your escape, those injuries have been healed. If you were anxious or frightened or distraught, those feelings have been briefly calmed. There's something strangely peaceful about waking up here. That feeling persists even as you find the tube running from the base of your neck to the compartment's rear wall.

But once the tube's disconnected? Things get loud. A wave of emotion fills that peaceful void - fear, uncertainty, relief, a sense of purpose or loneliness or anxiety. Maybe some of these emotions are yours, but they can't all be. After the initial sensory overload, the mental buzz elongates: stretches out into a murmur like the sound of a party happening behind a closed door.

You can sit up - barely -, and shift out of the pod. There’s a ladder at your feet and a little cubby just before it with anything you brought with you as well as a set of crisp, loose-fitting white clothes; while your injuries are healed, whatever you’re wearing is in the exact state it was before. Maybe it's time for a change? Drop down the ladder to the floor of the Nesting Deck and you’ll find you’re not alone. The closer you are to these stranger, the louder the sound in your head becomes. --Actually they're not quite strangers either, are they? Something is wound about and between you and these people, whoever they are, are as familiar as this place you've never been is.

Welcome to Station 72. The air buzzes with activity. Somewhere deep in the Station, other minds call to yours. They are bright, brilliantly celebratory spots in your subconscious. They are sun-warm gentle, or they are fire and the taste of ash, or they are a vibrant frenetic whirl, or they are a tangled garden, or they are the feeling of flight through dense cirrus clouds. No two links are exactly the same, but you know for certain that you are connected to all of them in at least some small way.

Which is why it's easy to tell when something goes terribly wrong:


OLD HOSTS
THE ENDORPHIN RUSH of making it back to Station 72 (relatively) unharmed, having successfully acquired exactly what you'd set out to get your hands on can't be denied. Even if you're not necessarily the type to celebrate, there's no ignoring the thrumming celebratory sensation from those Hosts who are.

After a few hours of being back in the void, something else stirs in the air: the clear, prickling sensation of new hosts hatching on the Nesting Deck. They're a rush of mental information - as if someone's turned the volume on the radio all the way up -, a cacophony of sensation and emotional feedback for anyone unprepared to shield against it.

The swell of feeling might make it easy to miss what follows immediately after: the dull, gut-deep quiet as The Darkling, Chuuya Nakahara, and Nasu Rei go suddenly comatose.

---

((OOC Notes: This is the hatch log for all new hosts. Feel free to make your own logs and posts additional to this if you care do. You can find a more detailed overview of the hatching process HERE. You can find additional setting information about the Station HERE If you have any questions, please hit up either the FAQ or MOD CONTACT pages!))

NAVIGATION • SETTING • FAQ • MOD CONTACT • GLOSSARY

( CODE BY WHAMBAM )

Comments

cw: suicide

[redheadcarrier]

[ Asuka's fingers tighten against her legs and her expression darkens. It's not exactly angry. It's more of a nervousness and there's another flitter of uncontrolled memory. Lying in a bathtub in a shattered apartment building, waiting to die. Synch rate: zero. A doll hanging by its neck from a rope.

Her voice is a low rasp. ]

Yes.

[ She wants to live. That doesn't mean she doesn't deserve suffering. ]

[hymnals]

Ah.

[ He says it very softly. The image of her broken body fills his mind's eye, tears at his gut. His chest tightens with sympathetic pain. He had come close to giving up, once. They all had, in the wake of their terrible losses. Despair is a hungry beast, and its belly was never full. Guilt, too, is a glutton that dogs his steps. Guilt because he survived. Because he drank the demon's blood, trusted his Prince. Sacrificed his integrity for security.

Or so he thought at the time. ]

That's an easy cage to sit in. But the bars aren't so thick.

[redheadcarrier]

[ There's something familiar in some of the feelings that filter over from Adra. Guilt and regret and vicious self-loathing. But it's healed over and scabbed in him and in her it's a fresh, gaping wound that won't leave her alone. The bars aren't so thick, he says. She's not so sure. She doesn't know what else to do or where she's meant to turn. She's never been good enough - not for her mother, her father, or any other adult in her life. ]

What do you know about it?

[ Probably enough, but Asuka's climb out of her own particular hole is going to take a while. ]

[hymnals]

I'm not sure that matters.

[ He hasn't broken eye contact with her once, not in the whole time that they've been talking. Not since she came into the garden, and he looked up to find her voice. His eyes are bright and burning and fixed on her, as though no one else exists, as though nothing else is important outside of this moment, this conversation.

He could detail his experience for her. He could pull out his history, make sense of the images she's doubtlessly picked up from his mind. ]

What I went through doesn't change what you're going through now.

[ He smiles, ghostly and wan. ]

Besides, I'm old. We'd be here all day.

[redheadcarrier]

[ The unerring eye contact is almost a relief. He's acknowledging her existence and that makes all the difference to her. Even if she's not really sure what to make of him or his philosophy. ]

So what makes you think you can offer me advice, then?

[ Her eye narrows in a glare. ]

[hymnals]

All I can do is tell you what I've learned.

[ He folds his hands--seemingly delicate and small, just like the rest of him, a body not belied by the deep resonance of his voice--in his lap. He leans forward slightly, and that voice turns sharp, insistent. ]

For example: anger is not wrong. Anger is a weapon. The trouble is, it's double-bladed. You have to know how to use it, or you'll only end up cutting yourself.

[redheadcarrier]

[ Asuka knows that, but anger is also all she really knows. She used to fuel herself and drive herself, but it burned out eventually and if she's not careful, it'll happen to her here, too. ]

I know that.

[ Sort of. ]

This sounds like some pop-psychology bullshit...

cw: suicide mention

[hymnals]

[ He sighs--a slow, tired exhale. He doesn't really like to talk about himself; he's always lived his life centering the people around him, and not solely out of altruism. It's simply the space where he's most comfortable, where he feels most correct, most useful. ]

My brother was so angry with the world [ and with me, for not giving more than everything I had-- ] that he cut his own throat for the chance to take revenge on it.

[ And that doesn't even strike at Adra's own anger management issues. ]

Like everyone else this world, I draw all conclusions from experience.

cw: suicide mentions

[redheadcarrier]

[ That sounds uncomfortably familiar in certain ways. Her mother lost her mind, but ultimately what made her commit suicide was having to watch her father parade around with her soon-to-be-stepmother. Maybe her mother thought it was a way to get revenge. Or maybe it was to escape the girl she no longer knew as her daughter. Asuka doesn't know, can't guess at her ultimate motivation.

A swinging corpse, hanging from a noose flashes across her memory. Something she tries to bury before Adra can snatch it out of her head, but she's not at all practiced at this. It's seen from near the ground, the perspective of a child. There's a sense of dread and shame and fear.

What did I do wrong? ]

I'm not going to do something stupid like that.

[ Her voice is harsh; not much sympathy, even if she can feel the tug of pain that accompanies the memory. The mental exhaustion that Adra puts off. ]

I don't want to die.

[hymnals]

[ Adra's new, too, and thus has no armor against whatever bleeds from Asuka's psyche. The imagery comes to him unbidden, and the attendant emotions, too. A difficult life. But compassion is more unique than suffering.

He shrugs, and goes on, his tone mild. ]

Well, he didn't stay dead.

[redheadcarrier]

Neither did I.

[ Asuka's tone is acid. Her mother did, though. Or most of her. Asuka rediscovered her far too late and the temporary validation and joy that came with it has faded, replaced by bitterness. ]

Don't worry about me. I'm not going to do anything stupid.

[ For certain definitions of stupid. ]

[hymnals]

Don't worry about you?

[ He shakes his head. ]

It's far too late for that.

[ He seems completely unperturbed by her tone--or by anything about her, really. ]

[redheadcarrier]

Too late? Why?

[ She shouldn't want help, doesn't need it. But she does. She wants people to acknowledge her, to love her, to help her, but she also wants to live alone. She wants to be able to cut herself off so she never has to suffer again - but she's already opened herself to Lavellan.

Her life is a confusing, contradictory mess. ]

Because of this symbiote thing?

[hymnals]

Hardly.

[ He doesn't need an intimate hivemind connection to give a fuck. It comes to him naturally. And while he might relate to some of what she's going through--he's actively seeking a way to moderate this overshare link, after all--he still believes that unity and understanding are the greatest possible aims. ]

Nothing about our weird forced bonding affected this conversation. I'd have the same sentiments either way.

[ And the same advice, albeit not based on so many specifics. ]

[redheadcarrier]

Then what makes it too late? What makes you care about me? This is the first time we've even met!

[ Asuka is suspicious, prickly. She wants love and affection but doesn't want to rely on others and she doesn't want pity. She's been burned too many times (by her own actions and by others). ]

[hymnals]

[ He's just going to put this as simply as possible. ]

Because I want to.

[ It's no more or less complicated than that. ]

[redheadcarrier]

[ Asuka stares at him, as if she can't really believe that. There has to be some sort of catch. A trick. No one just cares. Not for her. What does he want? ]

What do you get out of it?

[hymnals]

[ Adra's rarely ever had a feeling that wasn't genuine. He's intense, he comes on strong, he starts at 100 and rarely drops down to 0--but he's sincere. Too much so, really. ]

Why do I need to get anything?

[ That's not what life is about. ]

[redheadcarrier]

Everyone always wants something.

[ And he can probably get a sense of that through their link. Ikari was a coward and wanted her, but only her body or his idealized version of her. Misato wanted her to pilot and never really cared in the first place. Her father was benignly neglectful. NERV just wanted her as long as she "worked".

No one has ever offered her love without conditions or strings. ]

[hymnals]

[ It doesn't surprise him. People are often selfish in their desires, even in their altruism, even in their compassion. It's something he questions himself on, sometimes. His feelings are always real, but does he have expectations? Is he truly loving, or is it another form of self-aggrandizement? He struggles for humility, to give without taking. But it's hard, even when your intentions are good. It's hard not to want to be loved back. ]

I'm not everyone.

[ His brother had been--was still, in many ways--an emotional black hole. He took and took, and even when he had everything, he wanted more. Adra has always gone the other way. He gives until he has nothing, and then he still finds extra. Neither way of life is particularly healthy. ]

[redheadcarrier]

[ Asuka seems to curl in on herself, eyes flashing as she regards him with a mix of trepidation and contempt. Of course he's not everybody. But doesn't that just make him stupid, if the rest of the world will just toss him away? ]

You're trying to trick me.

[ The words sound hollow. She knows he's not. She can tell he's not. And that hurts and it scares her more than if he were trying to get something out of her. Unconditional love is frightening. ]

[hymnals]

[ He raises an eyebrow. ]

Into what?

[ He's suffered plenty for his compassion. But better that than the alternative. And like anyone else, he can only be who he is. ]

[redheadcarrier]

I don't know yet.

[ Her grip on her knees tightens. Something in her voice quavers. ]

You all want something. Right? This is the part where you tell me I have to do something or realize I'm not what you want.

[hymnals]

[ Light preserve him.

He leans over and offers his hand, palm up. She doesn't have to take it if she doesn't want to, but if she does, she'll find that his palm is unusually warm. ]

All you have to do is live.

[redheadcarrier]

[ She's hesitant still. Wounded. But after a moment of staring she reaches out to take the hand.

This is what she chose, after all. To live alone and to take the risk of being hurt when she reaches out. ]