station72 | mental link; after the riding events

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mental link; after the riding events

[ Sam's mental presence is accompanied by the sweep of feathers and the rush of wind as he focuses in on his connection to the Nest, occassionally dotted with a faint hint of static or the glint of stars. ]

( There's more than a few of us going at this mission in our own way, so I figure it can't hurt to check in. I don't got a lot this early in the game, but if anyone wants what I've found out about our hosts or the other envoys or what I've been doing to get it, I'll pass it on. This ain't a trade kind of thing - I'll tell you whether or not you wanna let me know what you've been up to. But if you don't mind sharing, hell, I'll take it. )

[ They're a paranoid bunch here, Sam knows that. He'd rather get what little he's been able to find out to people who might be able to do something with it than insist on getting something back. ]

( If you'd rather do it in person, just tell me when or where. I'm pretty sure I heard something about Adra making us all dinner later, so that might not be a bad time either. )

[ On an OOC note, if you only want info sharing and would rather handwave the interaction or just want to know what Sam would share, hit me up on the first comment to this post! ]

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[ If they're being honest here, then Bucky looks good wearing a smile, too - but it's not like that's news. He's known that since back on Concordia, watching Bucky with those tiny alien birds.

It's the moment Sam realized he was completely screwed, if he's being really honest, but that's beside the point. The point is that Bucky's instincts are good, and there's a reason that Sam trusts them - and Bucky himself. ]

( I went out looking with Shepard and Damon, but a couple of other Hosts had the same idea. Cohle, I think one of their names was. He's pretty damn good at tracking. )

( Cohle. Haven't met him. )

[Bucky doesn't know if he can trust this Cohle, but Sam certainly, and Shepard and Damon tentatively. He himself didn't get much of a chance to go looking, considering someone had been wrapped around him.

A circle burned into the sand doesn't sound paritcularly familiar in terms of a symbol, but Bucky will keep an eye out for it in the future.]

( I don't know if we can, either, but at least he went along with my attempt at a cover. )

[ Which... may not have been the best cover ever, but it was what he had. According to Shiro, it'd felt like there were eyes on them the night they'd tried to investigate; Sam didn't want to risk whoever it was bring still out there.

His mind turns to the tracks left going to and from the camp, focusing in on them as well. ]

( What do you think our chances are of figuring out what left these if we compare them to the aliens here? )

[Bucky considers the tracks as well when Sam brings them forward. Strange, but certainly worth looking into. There's also the possibility that the tracks are faked- an attempt to draw their attention away from the real suspect. Whatever it was burned the sand, which could speak of jet propulsion of some kind, though Bucky's no expert in that.

If he were leading an ambush with a group; however, he'd make sure they walk in single line to hide their numbers. The tracks from that night seem to indicate there were two or more.]

( I could sketch them and compare. ) [He's not an artist, not like Steve- his heart aches at the thought- but elements like number of toe markings, width and breadth should be easy to notate and Bucky certainly has a thing for details.]

[ Sam shifts absently as Bucky considers the tracks that Sam shows him, just enough to brush his fingers against Bucky's. It feels weird, not being in physical contact with him, is all. It's not like Sam needs it, he just - likes it.

He pulls up every angle he can of the tracks, trying to show Bucky as much detail as he remembers. There's an echo of the ache that Bucky feels - but not necessarily in a bad way, not like getting stuck in it. Sam misses Steve, a dull, bittersweet pain, and his mind curls around Bucky's in acknowledgement before he lets it go.

His expression lights up a little at Bucky's suggestion. It's a good idea, and honestly, Bucky's probably a lot better at any potential comparison than he is. ]

( Would you mind? )

[When Sam's fingers brush against his, Bucky jumps a little. He's still doesn't entirely trust himself to not hurt Sam, but a deep breath allows him to steady and tangle his fingers in Sam's. The ache in his chest doesn't entirely ebb away with Sam's gentle touch, but at least it doesn't double or triple in strength. If he'd still been alone- isolated- the ache would have turned into guilt and grief and eaten deeper into his core.

But the way Sam's expression brightens brings a wave of affection from Bucky's end of the link.]

( I want to help. ) [He wants to do something and feel useful again, to feel more like a person.]

[ That usually happens when you're alone; Sam knows that real damn well. Something in him centers a little more at the thread of Bucky's fingers through his, and he breathes a little easier.

There's a hint of his own affection as he shoots a little smile at Bucky. ]

( You already do. ) [ But he knows there's a difference in helping one person and in helping on the job, and Sam knows exactly how he feels. He's always needed to be useful, too. ] ( It's probably gonna be a hell of a job trying to compare, but we'll work together, yeah? I'm trying to get information about the Nectar from the Seconds, maybe if I do between the two of us we can figure out what to do with it. )

[Bucky honestly doubts that he's helping anyone, much less Sam. He feels a little more like baggage pulling Sam down, which reminds him of his conversation with Shiro and how much happier is Sam with Shiro than him. And how Shiro loves Sam. That's not a competition Bucky could ever win.

He tries to brush the sensation under the snow of his mind and not focus on how their fingers thread together.]

( You think? ) [Because, once again, Bucky doubts himself, doubts he can do much of anything.]

[ It's hard not to notice that Bucky's consciously trying to keep something from him. And that's fine, of course it is, Bucky's allowed his own thoughts and Sam doesn't need or want to be privy to all of them. He sure as hell isn't gonna go digging for it, and there's a faint hint of acknowledgement and acceptance as he turns his attention away from it to try to give Bucky a little more privacy.

It's just that they don't, usually. He doesn't have a lot of secrets from Bucky - not even the Raft, even if he hasn't talked too much about exactly what went on there or how much he hates what it means, the little he has talked about it is more than just about anyone else - and he knows more of Bucky's mind than he ever thought possible. It must be something either really bad or really personal for Bucky to try to hide it from him. ]

( I know. ) [ There's no hesitation there, and he wonders if that's what Bucky's trying to bury: the feeling that he's not good enough, that he's got nothing to offer. ] ( You got a lot of skills, sunshine, and I'm not just talking about the ones you might be used to - but if you wanna take those and put them towards something you wanna do, towards helping, hell yeah, I'll support you all the way. ) [ He squeezes Bucky's hand, bumping their forearms together slightly. ]

( You're smart. You're strong, a hell of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Resilient, determined. You got a wicked sense of humor in there that's been coming out more and more- ) [ Except that's veering significantly more towards personal things rather than things that can help, so he stops there. ]

[When Sam bumps against him, Bucky freezes. No, he shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be indulging himself, shouldn't be so damn selfish. He needs to shift, needs to refocus on the mission, on working alone if he can. It would be better for him to be alone. But he knows Sam will argue; Sam seems to think that Bucky needs the company. Weapons don't need company.

He shakes his head as Sam continues to go on. Don't do this. Don't make this harder. But wanting to make things easier is selfish.]

( I'll go get started. ) [And he makes to untangle their fingers.]

[ There's a brief, kneejerk stab of not quite fear - not as dramatic as fear, not as mild as concern - when Bucky shuts himself off more and makes to pull away. ]

( All right, apparently I either did something wrong or something I said there was a little too much. But I ain't gonna be able to change it if you don't let me know. )

[ He's not gonna say tell me or even really talk to me, because yeah, he loves it when they talk, but that's not how they work, and he likes that, too. They always seem to find a way to let each other know.

Or at least, they usually do. ]

( You didn't do anything wrong. )

[That's easy to say, because to Bucky it's true. Sam did nothing wrong. It was entirely Bucky's fault for misinterpreting social cues that likely anyone else would pick up on. He feels stupid. Entirely too stupid. Sam says he's smart, but Bucky knows the opposite is true. There's so much he doesn't know and it's not Sam's job to teach him.

He loosens his hold on Sam's hand and tries to pull away.]

( It takes two people to miscommunicate, all right, if something's got you bothered there's a reason for it. )

[ He doesn't let go - but he doesn't keep holding on, either, because he doesn't want Bucky to feel like he's trapped. Even if he doesn't at all hide the fact that he's reluctant about it as Bucky's hand slips from his. ]

( Why you running this time? Usually at least I know what set us off. I'll give you space if you need it, Bucky, but - just let me know? )

[Bucky looks away from Sam and nods. He knows he's dumb, that he's selfish. It takes to people to miscommunicate, but Bucky isn't a person. Sam's reluctance brushes against corrugated steel and Bucky can't help but feel that he's hurting Sam. No. He's helping. This will make everything easier.

But Sam says his name and Bucky bites his lip.]

( You didn't do anything wrong. ) [He repeats, as if that will suddenly clear everything up.]

[ This makes nothing easier Bucky damn it. ]

( It's a real good thing that I love you, you stubborn jerk. ) [ There's no venom in his mental tone, even when he calls Bucky a jerk. He makes no attempt to hide the way his mind's working, trying to figure out what's going on here. Bucky really doesn't seem like he's mad at Sam, and the only other time he runs from Sam is -

Is when he's feeling particularly not like a person. When he's feeling more weapon than anything else, when something's happened to remind him that he doesn't think he deserves any of this.

Oh.

His first thought is Rani, but no, that's not fair. She may have thrown a sword at Sam and she might be prejudiced as hell, but he can't jump to conclusions here. ]

( You don't gotta tell me who, but - will you tell me what happened? )

[At the first half of Sam's response, Bucky blinks, candidly confused, but then tries to school his expression and bites his lip again. It's not possible. There's absolutely no way- Shiro is the better choice by magnitudes. Shiro loves Sam and Sam likes to be with Shiro. Bucky, the broken weapon, doesn't deserve any of this affection, even if it was possible to love a fractured man. He's not sure when he even put importance into things like love. HYDRA certainly didn't instill the desire in him, so he shouldn't have expected anything in the first place.

And yet it still feels like a competition, like he's back in Siberia, when the losers of trials were locked away and frozen and the victor allowed to participate in a mission. Bucky won most often, partially due to his more successful experiment, but there were still times when he lost and was locked away for an unknown time. None of his handlers expressed any subjective preference, instead reminding all of them of how the strongest would be able to walk around unfrozen.

He remembers losing. He remembers how his heart dropped into his feet as they pulled him away. No struggling.

But here he is, struggling when he should be good and pliant. He lost, plain and simple. There's only one spot available and he lost it to Shiro. He shouldn't be surprised he failed at something personal.

Rani didn't tell him anything he didn't already know, either. The fault lies entirely with Bucky for being weak and stupid.]

( No one did anything wrong. )

[ It takes a moment for Sam to get what'd made Bucky blink in confusion, a moment for him to realize he'd said love. And it's - all right, he hasn't said it or anything, and he's been careful about not saying it because he knows how overwhelmed Bucky gets when Sam dumps too many feelings on him, but-

The feelings are there. On both sides, Sam tries not to pry too much into things that aren't right on the surface for him to pick up, but he knows Bucky cares about him, just like it's impossible to hide how much Sam cares about Bucky.

If that's what was tripping Bucky up, he could do that - hell, he can do that, he can make it a little more obvious. It's not the first time he's thought that telling Bucky things only goes so far and he's gotta show that he means what he says; it's just that this, this is harder. Sam's not exactly on firm ground here himself.

But the flashes of memory he's getting from Bucky, that - that makes him hate HYDRA all over again, but that's beside the point - that steers him a little bit in the right direction. Or at least maybe he thinks it does. He's not quite sure what prompted this yet, but when he feels what Bucky felt after he lost, dutifully going with his handlers as they took the only thing he still had left away from him-

His jaw sets, and he purposefully makes himself relax. They'd talked about both of them wanting - whatever the hell this is they've got between them, their brood bond and everything else - before the mission, maybe they could both use the reminder that it's not going anywhere. ]

( Neither did you. You're not weak or stupid, and it ain't stupid or weak to want this. ) [ His mind opens a little wider, not trying to get into Bucky's, just... being there, a little more prominently. ] ( I don't know what happened, but I'm sure as hell not gonna let anything in this universe or any other one fuck with it. )

[Bucky's overwhelmed, but for entirely different reasons than Sam initially suspects. He's knee-deep in memories that threaten to submerge him. It's difficult to not compare his last conversation with Siberia, with the heavy sensation of loss hanging over him. It's a ridiculous comparison, he figures, but one his mind links all the same. Siberia is all he knows, for the most part, other than his stay on the station. When they return from a mission, he can't ignore the similarities, can't stay where someone could lock him up.

"Put him on ice," rings in his ears as he presses his hands to the glass. He thought he'd succeeded, thought he'd done something right.

He tries to breathe through the surge of panic, at the sense of claustrophobia here in the tent.

He lost. He lost. He was weak and stupid and slow and selfish.

Sam opening his mind further, to be a steady presence, makes Bucky do the opposite, to try shutting down in the face of his fear. In an instant, the coin is in his hand as he attempts to breathe.]

( You haven't lost anything. )

[ They'll deal with what got this going later - right now it's more important to keep Bucky grounded, to keep him in right now instead getting stuck in the past. It should say something about Sam, maybe, that this is where he feels more comfortable, more like maybe he can actually do something.

Because he's been where Bucky is now, because he still gets stuck there - granted, nothing even close to everything Bucky's been through - but he still knows flashbacks.

Sam reaches across their connection for him without even thinking about it. They've done this too many times, using their brood bond as a lifeline, and it's not a conscious decision that has him settling in it, even when Bucky tries to shut down.

Breathe with me travels across the connection, and Sam starts counting his own breathing - in to the count of seven, out to the count of eleven. ]

[Bucky's getting to his feet when Sam reaches through the brood link to hold onto him, to anchor him in the here and now. Seven-eight. He's rusty, hasn't practiced in what feels like forever.]

( Lost you. ) [It surges out of him, unbidden in the face of the electric sensation wracking his nerves. He's not sure if he should sit or stand, if he should run again or stay.

The Soldier swings his metal arm into his opponent, a fellow soldier struggling with the serum. The Soldier doesn't hold back as he brings his fist down again and again. But then there's a knife in the other man's hand, flashing toward him. The Soldier is too slow and fire erupts between his ribs.

He lost.

His feet go out from under him as arms curl under his shoulders and drag him back toward his pod.

He lost.]

( Never. )

[ It's an immediate, kneejerk response, because no way in hell has Bucky lost Sam. They're gonna have to practice breathing more together later - he can feel how rusty that is Bucky, it doesn't help if you don't practice - but right now he can guide them through it, breathing slow and steady.

Right now all that matters is reminding Bucky that Sam's here, that he doesn't have to do this alone. He won't ever have to, not as long as Sam's got something to say about it.

The memory pulls at Sam, both through the brood link and through his protectiveness of Bucky, but he lets it go. It's in the past, and there's nothing he can do about it now. What he can do is try to prove that it's not gonna happen again.

And he understands more, now, why Bucky runs at the end of a mission, more than just the overwhelming feeling of all those voices - no one is ever gonna lock Bucky away again.

He's almost completely in their broodbond now, mind curled around Bucky's as he holds onto him. ]

( I'm right here, sunshine, I'm not going anywhere. Focus on me, on your coin. )

[Sam's response does little to comfort the cascade of nervous energy slamming into Bucky from all sides. He can't do this. He can't breathe. He doesn't want to be locked away, doesn't want to lose what he has with Sam, but he lost. There's nothing he can do about it; he needs to give this up, to not be selfish.

Don't put him away, please.

There's little filtering when Sam steps fully into their broodlink. Instead of the usual blizzard or the snow surrounding a jade tower, the landscape is no longer a landscape. Bloody steel tiles stretch from corner to corner, a series of pods line one side, and the other a row of cells, bars holding back shadows of the past. For all intents and purposes, Bucky is mentally back underground, back in Siberia with no visible way out. Trapped. Locked away.

He turns the coin in his hand, but it's so difficult to focus on anything. Digging his fingers into the grooves on the side don't ease the panic either. He can't do this. Not again.]

[ He's prepared for the frozen wasteland, for a blinding storm or the boiling heat of the programming - but the bloody steel tiles and the cells trip him up momentarily. He stumbles, briefly, and then grabs hold of their brood bond as he anchors himself in Bucky's mind, letting himself occupy the spaces where it feels like he belongs.

No.

Nothing is gonna lock either of them away ever again, not if Sam has any say about it. And all right, yeah, it's not like he thinks he's magically gonna be able to protect both of them from everything in the future, but right now - right now all that matters is pulling them both out of this.

As Sam moves more completely into Bucky's mind, there's the sensation of him standing next to him, wings curled around them both like he can ward off anything that comes near them. There's a wordless impression in his mind, a determination and a quiet protectiveness, something close to don't you dare fucking give up on this Bucky you said you wouldn't-

He pulls on Bucky, trying to tug his attention away from the prison of his mind and onto their connection, and Sam himself. ]

( I'm not something that's gonna sit here and let you give it up, sunshine. Stay with me. )

[Bucky is already deep in his mind, a few paces away, surrounded by the shadows. Underneath him, the steel tiles groan and sections fragment to reach up for his ankles, halting him where he's standing. Panic rains down upon him until he feels a presence beside him. Sam. A momentary surge of relief is quickly replaced by a bone-deep grief of loss. Sam's here, but Bucky's already lost him. In his mind, one of the shadows transforms into Shiro.

I love him echoes in the dark and Bucky's stomach drops. He can't compete with that, can't compete with Shiro. Instead of a caring, compassionate leader, Bucky is a self-inflicted outcast, someone entirely unable to help anyone with anything.

It'd not giving up so much as it is accepting the outcome, accepting his loss. He moves quietly across the steel as more tangles about his legs. The only place for him now is a pod.]

[ Realization strikes as soon as Sam sees the shadow of Shiro in Bucky's mind. That's what this is about, Bucky thinking that he's lost to Shiro - as though Sam was a prize to be won by whoever was most deserving of it, but he'll circle back to that later if he needs to - as though there was only room in Sam's life for one person.

As though loving either of them meant he couldn't love the other and that's - that's fair, honestly. That's something he needs to be better about, that's something he needs to accept. That he needs to own up to and stop pretending like if they just don't talk about anything, it means there's nothing to talk about.

Sam moves with Bucky, grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together as he pulls.

Whatever panic he might be feeling he funnels into determination, into the bone deep need to stay near Bucky. ]

( The only one who can decide where your place is gonna be is you ) [ Is what he says, but what he feels - well, what he feels is that, only it's all mixed up in feelings that edge the line between protective and possessive, that would never say you're mine and I'm yours because Bucky's not an object to be owned -

But Sam keeps pace with him anyway. He's not moving from Bucky's side. ]

( My place is with you. )

mental link; after the riding events

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