i like to keep some things to myself

[blooded]

CHARACTERS: Damon Salvatore (blooded), Elena Gilbert (otrazhenie)
WHERE: Hyrypia - The Tents
WHEN: DAY :014 & END OF DAY :016
SUMMARY: Damon teaches Elena to pay attention to vital signs. & Damon has a nightmare. Elena asks some questions.
WARNINGS: Feeding, torture, despair, melodrama. Will add more if anything comes up!

❰ in a tent full of ten other people is not where damon would choose to have a nightmare, if he could avoid it. of course, he'd choose not to have any nightmares at all if that was an option, but if he has to have them, having them in at least a semblance of privacy would be ideal.

no such luck now. he's had a run of good luck since they got to hyrypia, no nightmares or reminders of augustine at all, but the night of his hunt... something must have set his subconscious off, but what, he has no idea.

it's not the worst nightmare he's ever had, at least. no one's hands in his guts, he still has both eyes. his whole body aches, but that was normal in those years, just something he got used to until he finally fully healed once he was free. it's not the ache that scares him, though, not the pervasive and constant pain that makes his stomach drop and his fingers twitch against his cot in his sleep.

enzo is screaming. he's been screaming for hours, and damon is stuck in his cell, unable to escape, or fight, or do anything at all but listen. he's sure enzo will scream himself hoarse and lose his voice at some point, whitmore will have to leave, something will have to make it stop, but it just keeps going, guttural and animal. there's nothing to do in the face of pain like that but scream. you can't escape it, can't fight back, can't do anything but take it, and that kind of thing... it makes you forget everything but the pain.

damon's never felt half so inhuman as he did when he was under whitmore's knife, guts stapled open, screaming himself hoarse while stomach acid burned through tissue that healed only to burn again in a vicious, agonising cycle.

the screaming suddenly stops, and for a moment, for just a second, damon is relieved. selfishly, terribly relieved, shoulders slumping and breath leaving him in one long sigh. but the screams don't start again, and whitmore doesn't bring enzo back to the cells, an hour passes and a terrible weight settles in damon's stomach as he realizes that enzo must be dead. he's left alone with whitmore now, the sole focus of all his terrible experiments, and maybe it's better that enzo is free of this but damon hates him for it, wishes he was dead too, why can't he die —

he wakes with a start, shaking violently as awareness trickles in slowly. he's on hyrypia, with the nest, with elena. enzo died in a fire in 1958, and damon had to turn off his humanity to let it happen. the shields that lapsed when damon fell asleep he builds back up slowly, hiding his thoughts in fog and under rivers of blood as he sits up and reaches gently for sam's mind, the path to his breathing excercise well-worn.

in to seven, out to eleven. ❱

Comments

[otrazhenie]

[ Something about the way he cleans her hand and his comment on her level of control... makes her feel small. Not in that she feels belittled in any way, but just. She's a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean, trying to stay afloat whenever the next storm rolled through. Trying to keep hold of what makes her Elena while fighting to control the part of her that is very much vampire now. ]

Maybe it's because I'm terrified of hurting anyone.

[ That might not be all there is to it, but it's certainly a large part of her motivation for trying. She can't walk out into the sun, so her only option left is to beat this, conquer these terrible instincts and learn how to live again. ]

[blooded]

That might have something to do with it, ❰ damon allows, though the downward tug of his lips and the dry tone of his voice makes it obvious what he thinks of that. being afraid of hurting people helps, sure, but it's not everything. you can't live your life afraid to hurt people, constantly walking on eggshells for fear that your existence will pain someone in some way. ❱

Not everything, though. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're no Blondie — ❰ damon drops elena's hand but continues speaking, wiping at the wound on his neck to mop up whatever blood elena missed — ❱ and who ever would have seen that coming, shit. Caroline Forbes, good at vampirism. Who knew?

❰ he's getting off topic. damon sighs and drops his hand, raising his eyes to meet elena's again. ❱

You're good because you care, not because you're afraid. There's a difference. Let me put it this way: Do you think you were going to hurt me, if you hadn't stopped when you did?

[otrazhenie]

[ The mention of Caroline has her wondering what her best friend would say about all of this. About the way Damon's been teaching her, the way she's had to live. What would Stefan say, when it's all so very different from his way? If she's honest with herself, she knows that things with Stefan are a much bigger issue than that, and so she pushes it all aside, choosing not to think about. Thinking will just hurt, especially after what just happened.

Which she is also not thinking about. Because ]

No. I could never hurt you, Damon.

[ She would rather throw herself onto Lakshmi's knife than hurt him. ]

[blooded]

❰ what they would say doesn't really matter, seeing as they're not here. hard to ascribe to the bunny diet if there are no bunnies around, anyway, and caroline wasn't even sticking to it that closely last he knew. you work with what you've got, and what damon and elena have got right now is sam and some creative thinking. ❱

Right. So you didn't stop because you were afraid. You stopped because you care.

❰ about him, about stefan, about what it would mean if she hadn't stopped. that's its own kind of fear, sure, but it's separate from her fear of existing, of taking up space at the expense of others. they can work on that later, if they have to. being okay with being alive comes first. ❱

[otrazhenie]

Do you think that... sometimes I care too much?

[ She's starting to think so. The more everything hurts, the more she wishes she could turn it off, stop caring about anything. She can, of course, that's one of the 'benefits' of being a vampire, but she also knows that would be a very bad idea. Not caring about the lives of the others in the Nest would get them all killed, and then she'd have another mountain of guilt on her shoulders. ]

[blooded]

❰ jesus, that's a weighty question. damon buys himself time, turning his back to elena and pulling off his costume shirt to get another one. it would look more than a little suspicious for him to walk around with blood on his sleeves, and he's glad for the excuse to take a moment to think. as he turns back around, shirt in hand, he speaks uncharacteristically slowly — carefully, one might say, as if that descriptor could ever be applied to him. ❱

I think the people you care about put a lot of pressure on you, and you don't want to let them down. I think you're put in a lot of shitty situations and you're trying to control your life as much as you can, and when you can't, it's fucks you up. I think you've been hurt too much to want to hurt anyone else, ever.

❰ so... yes, but it's not your fault? ❱

[otrazhenie]

[ It's a weighty question because it's an important one, and who does she have to ask if not Damon? Who else does she trust to tell her the truth? When he gives his answer, she listens as carefully as he speaks, and when he's done she quietly moves to sit on the floor beside the for. She pulls her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, and presses her cheek to a knee. When she speaks, it's quiet and restrained, a little bit lost. ]

How did you do it? How did you survive this? It all hurts so much.

[blooded]

I had to, ❰ damon says simply, pulling the clean shirt over his head and then coming to crouch in front of elena. ❱

If I hadn't survived, no one would have saved Katherine. Stefan would have been alone, except for Lexi, and I never trusted her as far as I could throw her.

❰ there's more he would say, if he felt he could — he had no purpose to his existence except for katherine and stefan, for 145 years he put one foot in front of the other and kept going because he had to, because there was nothing else to do other than die and abandon the people he was responsible for. those responsibilities mattered less and less as the years went on, but they were still his, and he couldn't just give up.

but elena doesn't need to hear about living because she has to. she's doing that now, surviving for his benefit, and damon doesn't want that kind of life for her. she wants a reason to stay alive, and he doesn't know how much of one he can really offer. ❱

You adapt, Elena. It's only been two weeks. You're putting too much pressure on yourself.

[otrazhenie]

[ Love. A responsibility to the people he loved. That's what had kept Damon going all those years, and Elena wishes she had the certainty that that might be enough for her. Staying alive for Jeremy, who she might never see again. For Stefan and Caroline and Matt and Bonnie. For Damon, who would be crushed if she gave up now.

But it hurts. Everything hurts so much, her emotions swinging wildly from one extreme to the next before settling forever on the grief and pain that clings to her like a seaside mist. That ache settles into her now and she clenches her hands around the fabric of her costume, holding on so tightly it might seem like she'll break into pieces if she lets go. ]

But I have to. I have to be strong, I can't--

[ She can't risk everyone's lives just because she's having a hard time. It's a thought that has her hiding face in her knees, because she isn't strong and she can't let anyone see it. ]

[blooded]

Why?

❰ before elena can fall too deeply into her own despair, damon reaches out, hooking his finger under her chin and nudging her to look up at him. his expression is gentle but firm, his lips pressed into a line. ❱

Why do you have to be strong, Elena?

[otrazhenie]

[ She's not falling, she's drowning, the water pouring into her lungs and making it impossible to breathe. She's flailing and trying to find something to hold onto, something to keep that oh so important strength in tact, but her hands slip and she can't pull herself from the water. ]

I can't let anyone else die because of me.

[ It's quiet, so very quiet, but the words scrape her throat like jagged rocks and she hates herself for giving voice to them. She hates herself for not being what everyone expects her to be. ]

[blooded]

What does someone else dying have to do with your getting time to get your shit together?

❰ that is a somewhat unfair question, damon knows — he hasn't done enough to disabuse elena of the notion that she has to keep herself tightly controlled in order to keep everyone safe — but that's something they can acknowledge later. right now he needs to drag elena back up. ❱

What do you think will happen if you stop caring so much? You think I'd let you kill someone? Or Sam? Hell, or Lakshmi?

❰ if there is one thing that can be guaranteed here, it's that elena has no shortage of people who will keep an eye on her and keep her from making mistakes. ❱

You're not alone. Stop acting like you are.

[otrazhenie]

[ He's helping, he's trying to help, and she's grateful to him for it, but her instinct is still to withdraw into herself, pull everything tightly back inside and settle in at the deepest part of her mind. Because she's not alone. She knows that, she has Damon here and Sam, who have both been so wonderful with all they've done to support her. She's getting to know Shiro and Gildor, two wonderful men trying to counterbalance the hate she's received from Lakshmi. She knows she's not alone.

And it makes her feel guilty that he has to point that out to her. ]

...I'm sorry.

[blooded]

Elena. Listen to me very carefully.

❰ damon waits until elena focuses on him, until she looks in his eyes of her own volition, and his hand migrates from her chin to cup her cheek. ❱

You don't have anything to be sorry for, and if you say it again, I'm gonna dump sand in all your clothes and make you walk around all itchy for the rest of this stupid pilgrimage. Alright?

❰ he has no more patience for any of this — he has patience aplenty for elena, when she's not being a martyr, but none for this, this very specific mindset she's fallen into, where she can't do anything right and she's sorry for merely existing. her so-called friends back in mystic falls did this to her, but she's wallowing in it now, and he's given her time to be sad and self-pitying, because she deserves it, god knows she does.

but enough is enough, and he's not going to play into her pity party anymore. ❱

Shit's hard. You can be selfish for a while, you can be sad, you can hate all this — but you will get through it. This is your life, Elena. Live it.

[otrazhenie]

[ How many people have ever spoken to her like this before? When she lost her parents, when she lost Jenna, everyone was so understanding and kind, but she'd also kept moving forward because she had to. She'd had to take care of Jeremy, she'd to look for Stefan, she hadn't allowed herself to wallow in all of it the way she has here. And... he's right. This is the life she's stuck with now, and since she's come to the conclusion that she can't give up and end it, her only real option is to live this life.

Elena's quiet for a moment, watching Damon carefully with something not quite disbelief in her expression, and then she closes her eyes and leans her cheek into that hand. The waves within her calm, the door settling at the bottom, and she favors it for just a moment before looking at him again. ]

If you put sand in my clothes, it'll be war. Just so you know.

[ Ah, there's that spark of mischief from the old Elena. ]

[blooded]

❰ there's his girl. damon's lips turn up in a smirk and he drops his hand from her cheek, pushing himself up to standing. ❱

A prank war with Elena Gilbert? Don't tempt me.

❰ elena's stronger than she thinks, even when she's lamenting the fact that she has to be strong at all. she can get through anything, if she pushes herself hard enough, but unrelenting and suffocating pressure isn't the way to do it. one day after another, living life until it isn't so hard anymore, that's how elena makes it through. damon will be here to give her a kick in the pants until she remembers that as many times as he has to.

he reaches out to help pull her to standing, but when she's halfway up, he lets go, allowing her to drop onto her butt while he grins down, mischievous.

come on, gilbert, have some fun. ❱

[otrazhenie]

[ A smile blooms at his words, because it's so very Damon, and it is a little tempting... Which is why she should have seen it coming. That helping hand was a little too helpful, and there's a a shocked and affronted look on her face as she falls back to the ground. Thank goodness for being stronger now, since her landing is not at all soft. ]

Well, you've made your bed, Damon. It's on now.

[blooded]

( his grin widens and this time when he reaches down it's as an apology — he fully expects her to pull him down with her. )

Bring it, Gilbert. Let's hope you're a better prankster than you are a cook.

[otrazhenie]

[ Oh come on, Damon, she's not gonna be that predictable. She takes his hand, pulls herself up, and just smiles sweetly at him in a way that promises future retaliation. ]

We'll just have to see, won't we.

[ But you bet she's gonna remember that comment. ]