mental link; the sound of silence

[huntsmachines]

[ Aloy has been trying to ignore that empty buzzing at the back of her head. She never got a chance to know most of her broodmates very well but their presence had been comforting. Now she was alone again. She could ignore it but unlike being alone normally, this one comes with a keen sense of awareness that she is alone and that she shouldn't be. ]

( It's so quiet without the rest of my brood. )

[ It feels strange to say that, but it's true. ]

( What do I do? )

[ She's not using to being connected to anyone this way and she's definitely not used to missing them. ]

Comments

[sistershoggoth]

( Scream. )

[ The certitude that she's not joking is easy to ascertain. She'd done a lot of screaming, in the rebuilding stages of her battered world. When everything she knew was ruined, and all her closest friends dead. ]

( It'll make you feel better. )

[earthborn]

( I find it's best to treat it like they died. They haven't just to make it clear-- people do wake up from this, eventually. Not often, and probably not soon, but.... )

[But the truth of the matter is that death functions as an absolute barrier between people. Whether or not there's anything beyond that barrier is a moot point; you can do a lot of math to prove there's something beyond the vent horizon of a black hole, too. But you'll still never see it unless you're willing to make what ought to be a one-way trip.

A death like sleep, that was what the lost broodmates were. They'll wake up later, or not, and everyone yet here could by then be gone, death in truth, or otherwise.]

( Hope, that's what'll really screw you up. Waiting for something that might never happen. )

[adamance]

( Be grateful that they aren't dead. That loss is one of the worst to experience, even second hand.

None of us need reminders of our mortality. )

[Lexa doesn't want to consider the type of person she'd be if her broodmates had died instead of simply been lost to nothingness, to a sleep where they can't be reached.

Overcoming that loss is possible, even if difficult. Overcoming feeling them severed may be impossible.]

[shiro2hero]

(Exactly what you're doing now, Aloy. Reach out.)

[It's not a surefire cure. But it's what he was advised to do. It's what Sam had done. It helped, to an extent.]

[It won't fix that nagging loss. Just lessen it.]

(You want company?)

[huntsmachines]

( It would have to be mental screaming. I think our hosts would think me screaming really strange. )

[ Sometimes a little gallows humor helps. ]

[perroquet]

(Oh my dear, how dreadful-)

[ He's heard of the sleeping curse that befalls hosts seemingly at random, but hasn't had the misfortune of it happening to him or the few members of Mirfac. Not yet. It seems no brood is immune to the symbiote's cruelty of incompatibility, and poor Aloy is left alone because of it.

Gildor's heart aches for her, though he tries his best to cover it with the sound of gentle music. Music is his cure-all, and the best medicine he can offer besides words he hopes will be reassuring. ]

(Reaching out as you are seems a good start. And contradictory to what others may say, I believe there is always hope. If not for them, then surely for yourself.)

[skaikru]

( there's a flicker of conscious sliding alongside conscious. featherlike flutters of acknowledgement and commiseration that don't feel adequate enough to be of any comfort, like applying a bandaid to a bullet wound. she'd lost two of her brood already; had never learned their names, even though they persistently sat at the tip of her tongue, and the faceless voids in the back of her mind haunted her.

clarke wants to offer some sort of consolation or advice, but the words stick. what had she done when she'd lost someone? cried. sealed up the grief tighter than an airlock. thrown herself headlong into thwarting the next greatest enemy. run. none of that had ever successfully chased off the bite of loss.

eventually: ) ( What do you feel like you should do? )

[sistershoggoth]

( Whole new world of screaming open to you when you do it telepathically, just sayin'. Can make all the monster noises you want to. I'm a fan. )

[ Still playing this off like it's no big deal. ]

( Primal scream therapy is a real ass thing, ok, I'm not makin' this shit up. )

[extradite]

[ He wouldn't have answered, wouldn't have and wouldn't have and mustn't, really. It's not his place. Not his responsibility.

But the question is so bizarrely out of place that, yes. Even he falls prey to it, a whisper of presence materialising long before the tense flickers of a coherently directed reply. ]

( You... rejoice, don't you? You finally have yourself back again. )

[huntsmachines]

( I'll keep it in mind. And maybe give it a try where it can't bother anyone. )

[ There's a quiet, uncertain pause that follows. ]

( Thanks. )

[huntsmachines]

[ Funny words, Shepard. For some reason Aloy funds them intensely amusing and that's conveyed clearly across the link. ]

( My whole life was waiting for something that might not happen. I'm used to courting disappointment. )

[huntsmachines]

( I'm grateful for that, yes. )

[ The dread of the fat feeling lingers with Aloy for a moment, then she speaks again. ]

( Mortality is a part of life. Everything returns to the earth eventually. )

[huntsmachines]

( I wouldn't mind it, honestly. It would help me feel a little less disconnected, I think. )

[ It's nice to have friends. People she can rely on. ]

[huntsmachines]

( I believe in hope. It's all I've had for a lot of my life. )

[ That and her sweet style and her sick athletic skills, but hey. The music makes her smile and she sends back a sensation of gratefulness. Something soft and adoring. ]

( Thank you. It means a lot to me to have people to support me. )

[huntsmachines]

[ Aloy gently reaches out for that conscious flicker. It's a relief to have others who understand and want to help, even if they don't really know what to do any better than her. She likes Clarke, really. She's been nothing but kind ot Aloy despite their rocky start. Loss has been hard for Aloy, but this is a different kind of loss than Rost or anything else from her previous experience. It's like a piece of her is missing. ]

( Mourning doesn't feel right. It's not... Not like death. They're just gone.
I'm not sure. Maybe try and accept it. Ignore it. But that feels wrong, too. )

[adamance]

( Everyone dies. )[Though she used to live as if she would not, believing wholeheartedly that her spirit would live on.

Now that she knows it can't, at least not here, she is a bit at a loss when it comes to that. What she knows with absolute certainty is that she can't live on. Not like before.]

( But there's no need to rush toward it, or to feel as if a part of you has been lost. ) [It took her too long to learn this.]

[perroquet]

(Of course. If you need anything - healing or mending or just a listening ear - my mind is open to you.)

[ He still doesn't have walls. Not in the same vein as many other hosts at least, his mental presence dark as ever. A pitch-black shadow filled with soothing song and warmth for Aloy in her moment of need. ]

(Now is a time to be kind to yourself. Distractions are healthy to a point, but it's best not to drown in them or you'll become even more miserable when those distractions end.)

[ His voice grows heavy - he speaks from experience. ]

[shiro2hero]

(Not a problem. You want to come by our tent again?)

[Or he can go to hers. Either way.]

[skaikru]

( I don't think ignoring it will work. )

( through trial and error, she's learned that running from problems, thoughts, feeling, pain? it doesn't work. probably less so here, thanks heightened emotional feedback loops. )

( It's okay to mourn what you've lost, even if they're not dead. And maybe some day they'll come back. )

[sistershoggoth]

( You're nicer than me, I don't give a shit who I bother. )

[ Says the eldritch horror.... ]

[earthborn]

( How you wanna cope is your business, but you did ask. )

[Shepard's amused, where she had been grim. It's good that Aloy can joke about this.]

[cognitived]

[ Softly, like the shift of wings and creep of shadow, Clint catches the tendrils of her thoughts in return. Hello, in absentia, the coiling understanding threaded into the deeping dark of his mind. Clint woke alone, the first of his brood. Different waking first, rather than being the last to slumber, but vivid nonetheless. ]

( You continue. )

[ He murmurs, with a warm impression of his hand on her shoulder, before: ]

( Would you like company, Aloy? )

[huntsmachines]

( I don't know. I mean--I didn't know them long but it felt right, having them there. Having all of you there. I miss them. )

[ Misses them and never really knew them. What a strange thing to say. But Aloy searches herself and finds it to be true. ]

[huntsmachines]

( We're all stuck together, might as well do my best to make nice, far as I see it. )

[ Amusement, mostly. Everyone here is so different and yet so similar in such odd ways. ]

[huntsmachines]

( ...I'd like to cope by spending time with you. So that's kind of your business, too. )

[ Was that too awkward? Too forward? It's the only way Aloy knows how to be and shes not sure if that's the right thing to do here. But Shepard is like her in a lot of ways--blunt, direct, no-nonsense. ]

[huntsmachines]

( I know. It just feels so strange to me to have this loss happen. I didn't expect it. And it feels... different. Strange. )

[ It's hard for Aloy to pin down exactly what she means and she's searching for the right words, still. ]

[huntsmachines]

( That sounds good. I'll come by in a little while, once things have quieted down for me. )

[huntsmachines]

( I'll keep you in mind, thank you. And I know. I don't have much to distract myself with here, anyway. )

[ She sighs mentally. Mother, this is harder and stranger than she was used to. But that kind of describes the whole situation with the Nest, doesn't it? ]

[huntsmachines]

[ Clint. Clint is familiar, even if he's not the same as her broodmates and it's a bit of a relief to feel someone she knows and trusts. She knows and trusts everyone int eh Nest, really, but Clint is one of those who stand out. ]

( I'm with Shiro right now. Thank you, though, Clint. I'm doing my best to go on. )

[earthborn]

( Smooth. )

[She's teasing, but it was. Then again, Shepard's an easy target for flirtation.]

( I'm free right now. You have something in mind? )

[shiro2hero]

(Take your time.)

(I'll be here, Aloy.)

[The last sentence has the feeling of a promise. He's here, he'll be here for her.]

[cognitived]

[ There's a soft well of fondness, at Shiro and Aloy both, but okay. He understands. ]

( Of course. I'm here if you need anything. )

[ She need only ask, and Aloy can definitely pick up that thread of thought easily. ]

[sistershoggoth]

( Yup, a lot nicer. You'll be popular. )

[extradite]

( I wouldn't miss this at all. Not at all. It's... not natural. )

[adamance]

( It's rare for it to happen so quickly.

But you have acted on your own before. You're better prepared than most. )

[There is a weird mix of certainty and trepidation with these words, as if she believes what she's saying, but knows what set Aloy off before. Lexa doesn't want to engage in an argument again.]

[huntsmachines]

( I've never been called smooth before. )

[ More amusement as Aloy turns the ideas over in her head. She's not quite sure what they can manage right now, honestly. ]

( Just spending some time with you would be nice. Can I come by your tent later? )

[huntsmachines]

[ There's a pang of pain there. Remembering someone else who was lost, torn away from her. It had been different, Rost had been closer. But the memory of his death still feels close. It had only been a few weeks, hadn't it? ]

( I am. I don't like it really, but being alone is... normal. But this time I'm not really alone. )

[ She's quiet for a moment. ]

( I have all of you. )

[earthborn]

( You're kidding. I've seen how you ride and fight-- 'smooth' is the operative term. )

[Shepard knows style when she sees it.]

( Sure, my door is always open. Figuratively. )

[adamance]

[There is no mental acknowledgement of that. Perhaps she would have before their argument, but it's hard to say. Either way, it's clear that she maintains a distance.]

( There is a difference between the Nest and your brood. You'd be wise to remember that. )

[Prince's explanation of how he's survived this long is the foundation of these words. Lexa lives to live, to fight on for something truly selfish for the first time in her life, but she knows that there's a chance that she's on borrowed time.]