station72 | i'll cover you so you aren't cold;

Entry tags:

i'll cover you so you aren't cold;

CHARACTERS: Sam and Bucky; closed
WHERE: The Red Coast
WHEN: DAY 035, early morning
SUMMARY: Clint goes into a coma and Bucky feels he must do something to help his bf.
WARNINGS:

[Since waking up from his coma, Bucky hasn't slept well, so when Clint's presence flickers at the edge of his mind, he's half on his feet in an instant. Clint's presence dims as he surges upright and out his room in the barracks. He finds himself pulled toward his comrade as his feet carry him down the hallway. Sam is already there, their connection tells him, and as he strides into the room, he offers a silent hello. Kneeling down by Clint's side, Bucky glances over at Sam.

Is this what it felt like when he went under? Or is it more like Steve?

There aren't enough of them left to lose Clint- not with everything involving Lavellan- and as Clint's presence dwindles further, he's not sure what to do to help. Sam brought him back, maybe he can keep Clint afloat.]

Sam.

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[ It's - somewhere in between the two. Clint isn't a broodmate, and they haven't been in each other's heads as much as he has with Bucky - but they've gone far deeper than Sam ever planned, and for far longer.

He's not in danger of following Clint under the way he had been with Bucky, but there are pieces of his mind missing, the places where Clint should be hollow and aching. He tries, he holds on to what's left of their connection as tight as he can, but it's like clutching grains of sand, like trying to hold on to the fletching of an arrow that slips from his hand.

His fingers are tangled in Clint's shirt, body angled towards the door like he's gearing up to fight whoever comes in - but he sags back when he feels that it's Bucky.

He doesn't know - he can't - he's never felt more helpless.

Sam reaches out with one hand, threading his fingers through Bucky's and holding on. ]

( I can't keep him here. )

[ I'm not enough, he doesn't say, but it's hardly the first time he's felt it. ]

[There's not a moment of hesitation as Bucky returns the gesture and grips tight the hand that Sam offers. To him, this feels like Steve. He's never had anyone in his head as deep as Sam and, frankly- with everything that's happened on the mission so far- he doesn't want anyone else that deep, so he hasn't the beginning of an idea of how it feels to lose someone tangled up in his head.

Clint was a comrade, yes. Someone he might have come to trust if there was more time, but he's not here for Clint, really. He's here for Sam, to keep him afloat if that's what it takes.]

( You're enough. ) [He tries to say, unable to keep from commenting on the most glaring error. Sam is more than enough for any of them. It seems that the symbiote itself is more temperamental.]

[ It's grounding, the feel of Bucky's palm in his. Keeps him focused here when all he wants to do is keep chasing after Clint to pull him back, but he can't - their connection is just strong enough for Sam to feel everything he's losing, to feel Clint's mind detach from his, but not strong enough to do anything about it.

Activating his symbiote ability does nothing, because there's nothing to heal. Clint's body is fine, he's just slipping away from it, and there's not a damn thing he can do as Clint's connection slips and fades.

Like a piece of himself is missing, and his grip tightens on both Bucky's hand and Clint's shirt.

His head snaps up when Bucky says that. Surprise flares briefly, followed by the flustered feeling that Sam gets whenever Bucky smiles suddenly at him, or gives him something meaningful, or takes Sam's feelings into account and tries to support him - or manages to say exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.

He pulls Bucky in by their joined hands, letting go so he can wrap his arm around Bucky's back, pressing close and burying his face in Bucky's neck. ]

Sunshine. [ It's a murmur against Bucky's skin, and he just breathes. Right now it's hard for him to believe what Bucky says, but the fact that he said it, that he believes it - it means more than Sam can say. He wraps their brood bond around himself, struck by just how much he loves Bucky, and just how grateful he is to have him. ]

[Underneath it all, Bucky knows that Sam wants to chase Clint, to save him from this horrible sleep. Sam wants to save all of them, but there's only so much one man can do. Bucky feels Sam's power activate; it would be impossible to not feel it with how entangled they are in each others' minds. Squeezing Sam's hand seems like too little in the face of the loss occurring right in front of them. Just as Sam pulls, Bucky moves forward and he all but scoops Sam up to his chest, arm curled tight about Sam's waist. Don't go anywhere. Don't chase Clint. Stay. Stay here with me.

Accepting what he said will take time, but so do all things. Bucky will wait as long as Sam waits for him. He loves Sam more than himself, more than life, more than he ever thought possible and he doesn't want to lose Sam to anything or anyone.]

I mean it.

[He doesn't often have the opportunity to voice his feelings, especially out loud. The programming only allows for so much, but they've fought against the chilly remains of HYDRA time and time again.]

You're enough, Sam.

[ There's nothing he can do. There's nothing, and his fingers slowly uncurl from Clint's shirt as he leans into Bucky. He doesn't cry, but there's a stinging behind his eyes that makes it clear that it's a close call, swallowing roughly around the way it chokes up his throat.

Stay here with me.

Sam's only ever gonna have one response to Bucky asking that, whether it's in feelings or just a mental impression, and he pushes his other hand into Bucky's hair. Sam's here, he's not going anywhere.

But he tilts his head back when Bucky actually speaks out loud, breath catching slightly as he looks at him. Even if they didn't have a mental connection, even if Bucky couldn't feel how amazing Sam thinks he is - there's no mistaking that Sam's looking at Bucky like he's someone wonderful. ]

Times like this, it's hard to see anything but all the times I've failed, all the times I'm gonna fail. [ He twists one of Bucky's braids around his finger, absent and affectionate. ] You always remind me to do better, to be better.

[Kneeling here beside Clint, with the agony so apparent in his broodmate- friend, partner- is more than Bucky can take. Like other times when emotion runs high, Bucky finds himself overwhelmed, but in an entirely different way. Rather than wanting to shutter himself away, to put up shields and 'do not disturb' signs, he feels the need to protect. There's nothing he can do here, nothing to physically fight, but he can try to offer some small comfort.

Sam pushes his hands into Bucky's hair and Bucky can't help but curl tighter around him. Stay here. Stay here with me.

A part of Bucky wonders if it's selfish to want to hoard Sam's time. Maybe it is, but right now he doesn't care.]

Don't have to be better.

[Sam doesn't need to become anything more than what he already is: the Sam that Bucky unabashedly loves.]

[ It's not small, not at all. Sam can feel the way Bucky stays open, takes in the emotion and ends up with the need to protect - wants him to stay - and it's...

There's everything Bucky can do here, and Sam doesn't hide exactly how much he loves that Bucky's willing to do this for him, how much he appreciates him being here. ]

I'm already pretty great, huh? [ He's teasing, but hearing Bucky say that - there's no hiding the way it makes something in his chest ease, the way tension he didn't even know he was carrying bleeds out of him. Bucky knows him better than anyone, these days. ]

I like who I am, most days. There's still always gonna be times that I fail, and all I can do is remind myself to do better next time. To keep being someone worth this. [ He rests his hand over Bucky's heart, briefly. ] But thank you, for not wanting me to be anyone but me.

[ Sam huffs out a little laugh, more a rushed exhale than anything else. ] I'd say I don't know what I'd do without you, but I do know. Nothing good.

[Bucky huffs with a grin at Sam's response. He should've expected something like that, but he's glad to hear it all the same. In Bucky's humble opinion, Sam doesn't need to change. If he thought he did need to change, then Bucky would be worried.

Without Bucky, though. Bucky's gut instinct tells him that Sam is worse off for knowing him. Hell, there's empirical evidence that Sam wouldn't be punched nearly as often if he hadn't agreed to help.

Yet here they are, one death oath later, and Bucky is selfish for not wanting it to change.]

Get punched less.

[ Bucky's grin still makes Sam's pulse quicken a little, and he scratches a little over Bucky's scalp. ]

See, just like that, bringing the sunshine in my life. [ Sam leans in to press his forehead against Bucky's for a moment, before tilting his head back with a little smile. ] Nah. I had plenty of getting punched before I decided to look for your dumb ass and ended up falling in love.

[ Bucky doesn't make his life more dangerous. Sam's choices do that all on their own, and being with Bucky makes his life better - even if more complicated. ]

We got a whole hell of a lot of each other, Bucky, and I wouldn't change that for anything. But not having you, while you were out - I had to keep fighting not to go with you, and I had a lot of help. I knew I had to get on steadier ground to try to pull you back, but I don't know how long I could've kept it up.

[It surprises Bucky, how easily Sam spouts such positivity. With their link, he can sense the sincerity, the generous warmth pulsing along their shared headspace like sunlight. He doesn’t know what he would’ve done without Sam, how quickly his life would fall apart, but he’s both grateful and selfish. One day Sam might realize the mistake he’s made chaining himself to an erratic weapon, but Bucky can only hope it isn’t soon.

And Sam has further surprises.

He stares, furrowing his brow. He’s never heard of such a thing or seen it in other nestmates, but it can’t mean anything but danger.]

Ever happen before?

[Because there have been so many who have fallen asleep before him and never woken up.]

[ Sam's had plenty of times to think over what kind of mistake they might be making, getting themselves in so deep like this. And maybe it's true, maybe Sam should look at all the complications that having Bucky and the programming in his mind brings and run for it - but maybe one day Bucky'll realize that he only traded one chain for another.

Until then, Sam's got no intention of going anywhere.

His gaze automatically shifts over to where Clint sleeps, fixates on the too steady rise and fall of his chest. They'd built their shields together from the beginning, and since then every breath he took has been one Clint took with him, and now - now there isn't even an echo. Sam has to yank himself back, shut out the rest of the Nest and twine himself deeper into his and Bucky's connection to drown out the feeling of being incomplete.

He thinks about saying right now, thinks about saying that Steve was close, but - miserable and aching as he is right now, it's not the all consuming emptiness that'd pulled at his mind every time he dropped his guard even the slightest bit.

Sam shakes his head. ]

Just you. [ Because they're brood, maybe, because they've spent probably just as much time in each other's heads as their own, because they love each other more than Sam thought possible - because of all of the above, maybe. But he's pretty sure that means that if Sam ever falls like that, Bucky's gonna have the same trouble. ] Do you regret it? This, you and me?

[There was a time when Bucky regretted tangling with Sam, back when they first arrived here. Back when their first synchronized breath threw him into a panic, he wished nothing more than to be separated from Sam mentally. There was too much he didn't want anyone else to ever see, too many faces on too many slates of amber glass. A Steve who looked at him with fear and disgust did little to assuage those worries.

He remembers Concordia, sitting in that tiny room with Steve, more afraid than he'd ever been in his life. He remembers Sam coming in and feeling relief, in a way he'd never experienced before. From there, their relationship built from a foundation of the oath, that Sam would stop him if the Soldier killed again.

And he did kill again on the Waypoint.

Glass crunches against his skull in his memories, hot tears burning down his cheeks as he sobs in raw grief.

Yet here they are, having lost multiple friends and nearly each other- however many years later- and Bucky can't bring himself to want anything to be different. All of that lead him here to this moment.]

No. [He's pretty sure about the answer, but it doesn't hurt to ask.] You?

[ Sam's eyes flicker shut for a moment, trying to pull his shields up enough to at least let Bucky think about this without Sam picking up on it - or at the very least, to not consciously listen in.

Still, there's a rush of relief when Bucky says that he doesn't regret it, because hell, it's good to know for sure. He leans in before he answers the question in return, to steal a brief kiss. ]

No. There's nothing that'd make me regret it.

[ If it takes them both out, either because of a bad connection with the symbiote or whatever it is that makes them sleep, or because Sam has to make good on his promise to Bucky and they both go out stopping the Soldier from taking another innocent life, Sam still won't regret what they have now.

Of course, Sam's optimistic. He thinks they can fight it, together, thinks they can take on damn near anything and come out of it. It's what they do. Whatever bad times they've got in store - and he's not stupid, he knows there's gonna be some pretty bad times - the good times're worth it.

It's life. Sam's happy living it, and he's gonna spend every minute he's got trying to make Bucky's life worth living, too.

And not just because Bucky's all he's got left of the world he used to call home. ]

I'm gonna make you happy, Bucky. One day you'll have more good moments than anything else, and if that's all I ever manage to do in all of this - it'll be the best thing I could've done.

[There's something about Sam's stubborn desire to make him, a broken, former assassin, happy that amuses Bucky. Like trying to make a tiger happy after long years of imprisonment. He shakes his head with a small smile. There's a lot more that Sam could do for others but chooses to spend his time here with Bucky.

That says a whole hell of a lot.

He already has a lot of good moments, more than he ever thought possible, and Sam is largely responsible for them, which is something he would never have thought possible at the start.

Instead of giving a proper response, he huffs and nudges Sam. Don't be such a sap, man.]

[ Amusement is good, too, and Sam grins a little when he feels it echoing off Bucky.

For better or worse, he chooses to spend his time with Bucky, and he's gonna keep choosing it.

But he laughs at that, nudging Bucky back with one eyebrow raised. ]

This is what you're signed up for, sunshine. I'm a romantic, can't you tell?

Should've known.

[Bucky huffs again, his smile widening into a smirk warmed by deep affection. He really does love Sam, even if he can't seem to say those three goddamn words out loud.]

You want to stay with him until they take him?

[He motions to Clint, smile fading a touch.]

Good thing I'm planning on reminding you.

[ Sam doesn't need the words to be said, not really. Yeah, he'll be happy if they ever get to a point where Bucky can say them, but more because it'll mean Bucky's really able to say whatever he wants. Otherwise, the feeling is more than enough.

He can't stop the surge of protectiveness and fear at the reminder that someone's gonna come and take Clint, though, so soon after he spent days standing guard and making sure no one could come after Bucky, but it's -

It's different, he knows. With as far gone as Clint is, he won't survive long outside the Station's pods. ]

Yeah. Just in case.

I'll get some food.

[Bucky motions with his head toward the door as he places his hand on Sam's back, fingers splayed wide in support. It wouldn't do for them to ignore their needs while sitting at Clint's bedside. Unfortunately, Clint's departure is inevitable,
like Steve's, like so many others. There seem to be more of them every day.]

[ He pulls in a breath at the touch of Bucky's hand on his back, relaxing into it for a moment without consciously realizing it.

Sam'd never planned on having to do any of this without Clint or Steve, but - he'd never planned on having to live his life without Riley, either, and here he is.

He thanks everything he's got, anyone that might be listening, that Bucky'd come back. ]

Yeah. Yeah, okay. I, uh. Thanks, Bucky.

[On the other hand, Bucky never planned to do anything with someone else. His life had been meant to be one of solitude after he figured out who the hell he was.

But here they both are.

Bucky nods in return before climbing to his feet. Food and perhaps his sketchbook would be a decent way to distract Sam from the inevitable.]

[ Maybe that's something that Bucky's picked up off bleedover from Sam - or maybe it's something that's been there buried for a while that slowly got brought out with the two of them. Maybe both. It doesn't really matter, as far as Sam's concerned, not as long as they're together.

He leans in to steal a kiss from Bucky before he settles back on the cot, one hand tangled in Clint's robes while he waits. ]

[With lips still buzzing from Sam's kiss, Bucky collects a handful of different local foodstuffs, mostly fruits, veggies, and basic carbohydrates like breads. He tucks them into a sack alongside his sketchbook and returns as soon as possible. He announces his presence with a mental tap on their brood link and carefully settles on the floor in front of Sam. Out of the sack comes fruits and veggies (or what amounts to veggies on this planet) and he gathers them on the two plates he snuck out as well.]

Still the same?

[He offers one of the plates up to Sam.]

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