Entry tags:
i'll cover you so you aren't cold;
CHARACTERS: Sam and Bucky; closed
WHERE: The Red Coast
WHEN: DAY 035, early morning
SUMMARY: Clint goes into a coma and Bucky feels he must do something to help his bf.
WARNINGS:
[Since waking up from his coma, Bucky hasn't slept well, so when Clint's presence flickers at the edge of his mind, he's half on his feet in an instant. Clint's presence dims as he surges upright and out his room in the barracks. He finds himself pulled toward his comrade as his feet carry him down the hallway. Sam is already there, their connection tells him, and as he strides into the room, he offers a silent hello. Kneeling down by Clint's side, Bucky glances over at Sam.
Is this what it felt like when he went under? Or is it more like Steve?
There aren't enough of them left to lose Clint- not with everything involving Lavellan- and as Clint's presence dwindles further, he's not sure what to do to help. Sam brought him back, maybe he can keep Clint afloat.]
Sam.
WHERE: The Red Coast
WHEN: DAY 035, early morning
SUMMARY: Clint goes into a coma and Bucky feels he must do something to help his bf.
WARNINGS:
[Since waking up from his coma, Bucky hasn't slept well, so when Clint's presence flickers at the edge of his mind, he's half on his feet in an instant. Clint's presence dims as he surges upright and out his room in the barracks. He finds himself pulled toward his comrade as his feet carry him down the hallway. Sam is already there, their connection tells him, and as he strides into the room, he offers a silent hello. Kneeling down by Clint's side, Bucky glances over at Sam.
Is this what it felt like when he went under? Or is it more like Steve?
There aren't enough of them left to lose Clint- not with everything involving Lavellan- and as Clint's presence dwindles further, he's not sure what to do to help. Sam brought him back, maybe he can keep Clint afloat.]
Sam.
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He's not in danger of following Clint under the way he had been with Bucky, but there are pieces of his mind missing, the places where Clint should be hollow and aching. He tries, he holds on to what's left of their connection as tight as he can, but it's like clutching grains of sand, like trying to hold on to the fletching of an arrow that slips from his hand.
His fingers are tangled in Clint's shirt, body angled towards the door like he's gearing up to fight whoever comes in - but he sags back when he feels that it's Bucky.
He doesn't know - he can't - he's never felt more helpless.
Sam reaches out with one hand, threading his fingers through Bucky's and holding on. ]
( I can't keep him here. )
[ I'm not enough, he doesn't say, but it's hardly the first time he's felt it. ]
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Clint was a comrade, yes. Someone he might have come to trust if there was more time, but he's not here for Clint, really. He's here for Sam, to keep him afloat if that's what it takes.]
( You're enough. ) [He tries to say, unable to keep from commenting on the most glaring error. Sam is more than enough for any of them. It seems that the symbiote itself is more temperamental.]
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Activating his symbiote ability does nothing, because there's nothing to heal. Clint's body is fine, he's just slipping away from it, and there's not a damn thing he can do as Clint's connection slips and fades.
Like a piece of himself is missing, and his grip tightens on both Bucky's hand and Clint's shirt.
His head snaps up when Bucky says that. Surprise flares briefly, followed by the flustered feeling that Sam gets whenever Bucky smiles suddenly at him, or gives him something meaningful, or takes Sam's feelings into account and tries to support him - or manages to say exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.
He pulls Bucky in by their joined hands, letting go so he can wrap his arm around Bucky's back, pressing close and burying his face in Bucky's neck. ]
Sunshine. [ It's a murmur against Bucky's skin, and he just breathes. Right now it's hard for him to believe what Bucky says, but the fact that he said it, that he believes it - it means more than Sam can say. He wraps their brood bond around himself, struck by just how much he loves Bucky, and just how grateful he is to have him. ]
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Accepting what he said will take time, but so do all things. Bucky will wait as long as Sam waits for him. He loves Sam more than himself, more than life, more than he ever thought possible and he doesn't want to lose Sam to anything or anyone.]
I mean it.
[He doesn't often have the opportunity to voice his feelings, especially out loud. The programming only allows for so much, but they've fought against the chilly remains of HYDRA time and time again.]
You're enough, Sam.
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Stay here with me.
Sam's only ever gonna have one response to Bucky asking that, whether it's in feelings or just a mental impression, and he pushes his other hand into Bucky's hair. Sam's here, he's not going anywhere.
But he tilts his head back when Bucky actually speaks out loud, breath catching slightly as he looks at him. Even if they didn't have a mental connection, even if Bucky couldn't feel how amazing Sam thinks he is - there's no mistaking that Sam's looking at Bucky like he's someone wonderful. ]
Times like this, it's hard to see anything but all the times I've failed, all the times I'm gonna fail. [ He twists one of Bucky's braids around his finger, absent and affectionate. ] You always remind me to do better, to be better.
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Sam pushes his hands into Bucky's hair and Bucky can't help but curl tighter around him. Stay here. Stay here with me.
A part of Bucky wonders if it's selfish to want to hoard Sam's time. Maybe it is, but right now he doesn't care.]
Don't have to be better.
[Sam doesn't need to become anything more than what he already is: the Sam that Bucky unabashedly loves.]
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There's everything Bucky can do here, and Sam doesn't hide exactly how much he loves that Bucky's willing to do this for him, how much he appreciates him being here. ]
I'm already pretty great, huh? [ He's teasing, but hearing Bucky say that - there's no hiding the way it makes something in his chest ease, the way tension he didn't even know he was carrying bleeds out of him. Bucky knows him better than anyone, these days. ]
I like who I am, most days. There's still always gonna be times that I fail, and all I can do is remind myself to do better next time. To keep being someone worth this. [ He rests his hand over Bucky's heart, briefly. ] But thank you, for not wanting me to be anyone but me.
[ Sam huffs out a little laugh, more a rushed exhale than anything else. ] I'd say I don't know what I'd do without you, but I do know. Nothing good.
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Without Bucky, though. Bucky's gut instinct tells him that Sam is worse off for knowing him. Hell, there's empirical evidence that Sam wouldn't be punched nearly as often if he hadn't agreed to help.
Yet here they are, one death oath later, and Bucky is selfish for not wanting it to change.]
Get punched less.
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See, just like that, bringing the sunshine in my life. [ Sam leans in to press his forehead against Bucky's for a moment, before tilting his head back with a little smile. ] Nah. I had plenty of getting punched before I decided to look for your dumb ass and ended up falling in love.
[ Bucky doesn't make his life more dangerous. Sam's choices do that all on their own, and being with Bucky makes his life better - even if more complicated. ]
We got a whole hell of a lot of each other, Bucky, and I wouldn't change that for anything. But not having you, while you were out - I had to keep fighting not to go with you, and I had a lot of help. I knew I had to get on steadier ground to try to pull you back, but I don't know how long I could've kept it up.
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And Sam has further surprises.
He stares, furrowing his brow. He’s never heard of such a thing or seen it in other nestmates, but it can’t mean anything but danger.]
Ever happen before?
[Because there have been so many who have fallen asleep before him and never woken up.]
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Until then, Sam's got no intention of going anywhere.
His gaze automatically shifts over to where Clint sleeps, fixates on the too steady rise and fall of his chest. They'd built their shields together from the beginning, and since then every breath he took has been one Clint took with him, and now - now there isn't even an echo. Sam has to yank himself back, shut out the rest of the Nest and twine himself deeper into his and Bucky's connection to drown out the feeling of being incomplete.
He thinks about saying right now, thinks about saying that Steve was close, but - miserable and aching as he is right now, it's not the all consuming emptiness that'd pulled at his mind every time he dropped his guard even the slightest bit.
Sam shakes his head. ]
Just you. [ Because they're brood, maybe, because they've spent probably just as much time in each other's heads as their own, because they love each other more than Sam thought possible - because of all of the above, maybe. But he's pretty sure that means that if Sam ever falls like that, Bucky's gonna have the same trouble. ] Do you regret it? This, you and me?
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He remembers Concordia, sitting in that tiny room with Steve, more afraid than he'd ever been in his life. He remembers Sam coming in and feeling relief, in a way he'd never experienced before. From there, their relationship built from a foundation of the oath, that Sam would stop him if the Soldier killed again.
And he did kill again on the Waypoint.
Glass crunches against his skull in his memories, hot tears burning down his cheeks as he sobs in raw grief.
Yet here they are, having lost multiple friends and nearly each other- however many years later- and Bucky can't bring himself to want anything to be different. All of that lead him here to this moment.]
No. [He's pretty sure about the answer, but it doesn't hurt to ask.] You?
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Still, there's a rush of relief when Bucky says that he doesn't regret it, because hell, it's good to know for sure. He leans in before he answers the question in return, to steal a brief kiss. ]
No. There's nothing that'd make me regret it.
[ If it takes them both out, either because of a bad connection with the symbiote or whatever it is that makes them sleep, or because Sam has to make good on his promise to Bucky and they both go out stopping the Soldier from taking another innocent life, Sam still won't regret what they have now.
Of course, Sam's optimistic. He thinks they can fight it, together, thinks they can take on damn near anything and come out of it. It's what they do. Whatever bad times they've got in store - and he's not stupid, he knows there's gonna be some pretty bad times - the good times're worth it.
It's life. Sam's happy living it, and he's gonna spend every minute he's got trying to make Bucky's life worth living, too.
And not just because Bucky's all he's got left of the world he used to call home. ]
I'm gonna make you happy, Bucky. One day you'll have more good moments than anything else, and if that's all I ever manage to do in all of this - it'll be the best thing I could've done.
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That says a whole hell of a lot.
He already has a lot of good moments, more than he ever thought possible, and Sam is largely responsible for them, which is something he would never have thought possible at the start.
Instead of giving a proper response, he huffs and nudges Sam. Don't be such a sap, man.]
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For better or worse, he chooses to spend his time with Bucky, and he's gonna keep choosing it.
But he laughs at that, nudging Bucky back with one eyebrow raised. ]
This is what you're signed up for, sunshine. I'm a romantic, can't you tell?
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[Bucky huffs again, his smile widening into a smirk warmed by deep affection. He really does love Sam, even if he can't seem to say those three goddamn words out loud.]
You want to stay with him until they take him?
[He motions to Clint, smile fading a touch.]
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[ Sam doesn't need the words to be said, not really. Yeah, he'll be happy if they ever get to a point where Bucky can say them, but more because it'll mean Bucky's really able to say whatever he wants. Otherwise, the feeling is more than enough.
He can't stop the surge of protectiveness and fear at the reminder that someone's gonna come and take Clint, though, so soon after he spent days standing guard and making sure no one could come after Bucky, but it's -
It's different, he knows. With as far gone as Clint is, he won't survive long outside the Station's pods. ]
Yeah. Just in case.
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[Bucky motions with his head toward the door as he places his hand on Sam's back, fingers splayed wide in support. It wouldn't do for them to ignore their needs while sitting at Clint's bedside. Unfortunately, Clint's departure is inevitable,
like Steve's, like so many others. There seem to be more of them every day.]
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Sam'd never planned on having to do any of this without Clint or Steve, but - he'd never planned on having to live his life without Riley, either, and here he is.
He thanks everything he's got, anyone that might be listening, that Bucky'd come back. ]
Yeah. Yeah, okay. I, uh. Thanks, Bucky.
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But here they both are.
Bucky nods in return before climbing to his feet. Food and perhaps his sketchbook would be a decent way to distract Sam from the inevitable.]
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He leans in to steal a kiss from Bucky before he settles back on the cot, one hand tangled in Clint's robes while he waits. ]
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Still the same?
[He offers one of the plates up to Sam.]