[ closed ]

[wille]

CHARACTERS: Misato, Kaji
WHERE: The Red Coast
WHEN: late, late DAY :037
SUMMARY: what is truth, who are you, who is me, what are we
WARNINGS: n/a wow

[ The Garstall meat sits heavy in her stomach and the air still reeks of blood and butchery and salt. That is, dread measures a ton when swallowed whole, the same as guilt no matter how she wants to dice it, and it is hard to breathe after seeing the totality of the weight placed on the consequences of her actions. Yes, hers, her own. It was her idea to nudge the pieces that led to the end of the Carpathans' plan of escape, the same as it was her advice to Keya to approach each of the factions to present her offer, and she would seek no one else to blame besides. The pride that leads her to claim all the glory is the same that leads her to claim the entire culpability.

Her appetite knows no bounds. Who but him knows this better.

The moment the door closes behind Casiria, Misato stalks out of the corner she was hiding in for lack of a hood, and zeroes in toward him. He must understand, how from the moment she beheld her power, she was already afraid of losing it, and now that she has caught a glimpse of his, she will not lose it. It is with a grip on his arm that she tries to assert her hold, and with her other hand she pushes his disguise away from his face.

This is as much an accusation, a handing down of judgment, as it is a demand for him to recount his defense. ]

The symbiote told you? Ryohji.

[ As with many things that pertain them, this lacks requisite fanfare. All of it reeks of bathos. ]

Comments

[ryohji]

[ safe to say he's set off balance after weeks of feeling unallied, not better, nor smarter, but unallied, from the band of hosts who've decided for themselves to lean into their powers. even now, in spite of his owlishly calm attentiveness, his insides roil and squirm and his headache, pounding.

he figured she might come and give him the third degree. he figures he might jump on her particular phrasing. it's something, coming from her, but he has yet to decide whether it's an improvement from their last conversation on who or what should net the praise. his eyes watch her hand come down without blinking. ]

Now you're giving credit where credit is due. [ and his voice drops in pitch, gentler. whether or not this evinces a change of heart on her part still remains to be seen. ] I guess that means I've reached a point of no return.

[wille]

[ Phrasing does particularly matter. ]

It's not what I want.

[ Or, I didn't want this to happen or I wanted it but made myself not want it. Misato lets her hand drop to his shoulder, expression easing to one of concern. One makes oneself small in the face of insurmountable threat, like animals playing dead, children sealing their lips under a parent's reprimand. She has no excuse. He did warn her. A drowning man can't save another, and she had thought he could keep his feet planted on the shore while she swims out into the distance, banking on a tether to find her way back.

She releases a sigh, tightening the grip on his arm. ]

What do we do now?

[ryohji]

[ he lets the question echo, to buy himself time and articulate the confusing pulse of his head. then she sighs, and for the span of two of his heartbeats kaji is arrested by memories of lavellan's open skull, it's cage, where he thought he saw the fattest vein in his brain only to realize he was looking the symbiote in its natural habitat. it roots him to the spot and he is utterly still.

surreal. having misato ask what next when he is so used to hearing her answer the questions. ]

Shitsurei.

[ even with someone so irreverent, he has some manners. civil vampires excuse themselves before they're about to vomit - though vomit he doesn't; instead, kaji leans forward to a small degree and lets the spit that typically follows nausea escape his mouth. it is almost as if he's been holding it in this entire time, and when he straights he dries his mouth with a shockingly steady back of the hand. ]

[wille]

[ Her first time, the exhilaration mixed with dizziness to leave her reeling for hours, but she felt sky-high, invincible, where he seems to her now cowed, stripped of the spark of his usual brand of impudence. She stands her ground, watching with eyes turned hard from reining back what fear threatens to slip past. ]

Did you mean to after all?

[ How difficult it is to conceive of one's lack of agency in inevitable matters such as the steady dissolution of one's mind when she loathes to accept anything as inevitable. Easier still to guess at some secret want he didn't dare speak. Even easier to think she wants what comes to her. ]

It's okay, if it is.

[ryohji]

You mean if I wanted it to happen.

[ hardly denunciatory, even as much as it could be. this is a particularly guarded set to kaji's jaw. her approval, although nice, restores nothing to how it should. he trusts it as far as the line in keya's throat is long. it's a slippery slope from the sentiment there's nothing wrong with wanting.

besides, he didn't. he has no reason to interrogate his answer further. ]

What I would have liked was to see her tell the truth. [ not as much as he would've liked the same from cathaway, so the question remains open. think of the devil and she will appear, laced fingers together in front of her lap, smiling with a closed mouth as if to emphasize she wasn't here to intimidate. at that moment kaji realizes that he could get the truth simply by asking, and cathaway still exists —

— no, it's a slippery slope. and it feels like a promise to the symbiote. ] But I could say the same for many people.

[wille]

Me?

[ The knee-jerk response. Her? Ritsuko? Ikari? Or himself. Immediately she shakes her head, knowing that the question has revealed to him far more of herself than a hundred words from his lips would reveal the truth. Such is the way. And in her attempt to withhold more words, she only serves to reveal more of her cards to him: the consternation on her brows, the sickened line of her lips, the everpresent fear in her eyes brought to the fore. She swallows, hard. Her own medicine tastes bitter now that she too fears for his dissolution. Given the recency, it is only too easy to picture his face, asleep.

What was it he said back then? Like trying to hold onto something on a swinging boat. No, that was what she said. ]

We can't both give in to it. It's like you told me. One of us has to stay back.

[ryohji]

[ misato looks as though she wishes she could edit sentences after they're said. she looks as though she'd like to take back the word 'me' and grind it to dust. kaji stares at her as though she were speaking a language alien and unrecognizable and altogether unknowable, his own gaze unreadable. yes, of course there is still so much time unaccounted for between them, so much she could be keeping hidden from him. so much truth he could ask from her, and so much truth he'd be compelled to tell, although he doesn't yet know the latter part. then, passingly: ]

I don't take shortcuts when I can help it. [ this admission is knowing and water is wet. he likes the chase, the long, hard way. she should know that. ] At least when it comes to you. So you don't have reason to worry. [ except, of course, everything about giving in and staying back, and how he must seem to her as having fallen short of an ideal. she expected as much. kaji resists the urge to spit again. ] Or maybe, it's one less thing to worry about. I said from the beginning, Misato, that the nature of the beast is something all of us can't control.

[wille]

[ She shakes her head so forcefully. No, no, no, no. That is, forced, as if by sheer insistence she could reject the reality she disagrees to, and by insisting that he and others believe the same, she could harvest the power needed to bend the very fabric of universe to suit her will. But isn't it true now? She can. He must believe by now that she can. ]

That's just giving up before you even try.

[ Even more impossible than challenging a law of nature would be to force her to condone this passive retreat. ]

If not you, then— [ Yet another shake of the head, this time in resigned assent, before she arrests his gaze with her own stubborn one. If now she invests so much of her will into even a single look, it is only because she has no other recourse but magical thinking. ] I want you to be the one to make it out.

[ryohji]

We can both make it out. [ this proclamation is calm, centered, but how quiet it's spoken calls to something unsure. unsure for - who, exactly? ] There's no shame accepting the things resistant to change. We don't want to waste our effort attempting the impossible. What works and what doesn't... there's better use for our time.

[ we, we, we. what's perhaps worst of all, kaji doesn't even realize he's collapsing them in this way, assuming erroneously her goals align with his. ] It's a useful thing, isn't it? There's going to be those who'd want to use it. That's the hard part.

[wille]

[ Each tiny shift in the trajectory of her aim amounts to miles of difference when extended into the far distance, and she's as confused as ever. When one's tool becomes the enemy, or oneself is the opponent that must be subdued, how then does she organize her forces, for and against whom? ]

I'd want to use it. You know that. Knowing what we want is already a feat, don't you think? [ The loose thread of her fears hangs onto the downward curl of her lips, just a little tug would unravel it, only she won't be the one to say it. There's no gentleness in her grip around his hand. ] But I don't know what getting out of here even looks like.

[ryohji]

That’s the easy part.

[ he flexes into her palm, loosening her grip and, although he could ask her to let off or go, seems disinclined. the pressure she applies tells him it’s not for his sake, suggests who the show of insistency is really made to allay. ]

If they brought us here, they can take us back. Maybe when they’ve decided who else to use from our world, it’s as simple as going along for the ride.

[ the station has been toying with different timelines as if beholden to the imagination of a particularly unhinged metaphysicist. could they choose where and when to return to, like picking a meal off a menu? would he choose something tried but true, or dare to attempt previously unexplored territory? how far back or forward could they take him? how much would change? ]

Don’t tell me I’m the first one to come up with that. [ more terrifying, don’t tell me you’ve never thought about that before, and of course it’s the more terrifying he means. ]

[wille]

[ Misato's thoughts flit across her face as she processes the idea in real time, the wide-eyed surprise followed by grim consternation before it gradually gives way to the softer edges of optimism, which she had believed lost for good along with Shinji's consciousness. It was Prince who warned her about time, about spending it well, about making a life and finding a home, so harmlessly leading herself to forget the option of deserting the entire endeavor. ]

I've started thinking it's impossible.

[ To think she believed anything impossible should be an impossibility in itself. She even allows the makings of a smile, her grip moving up to his wrist, equally firm but less insistent, because she doesn't need it to be. ]

When will you go back to, Ryohji-kun?

[ Don't think she doesn't remember what he said, about back when she was cute. ]

[ryohji]

[ he's known her as someone who chooses to advance a plan because, and not in spite of, any appeal to impossibility. caving to the voice that croons zero point zero zero zero zero..., no, it sounds impossible, but what does he know - truth is always stranger than fiction: ] Is that the truth?

[ that's a joke. it's not one he's proud to make, given the bout of nausea reanimated that the mere mention, however indirect, of his symbiote ability. this seemingly simple, straightforward idea she acts as if it were beyond even her imagination. her reply is that of his mother egging him on as he brandished his playground shovel and insisted on digging all the way down to the center of the earth. humoring him. and because now's neither the time and place for convincing, he will humor her back: ] Maybe I'd go back before I was born. I've always wanted to see Akina Nakamori live.

[ nevermind; it's neither the time or place for physical intimacy. they have company. kaji shrugs her off, affecting a convincing smoker's cough though he can't remember the last time he'd had a smoke. ] How about you?

[wille]

You just want to see her performing Tattoo.

[ Delivered with a benign punch against his stomach and a pout to accompany the feigned jealousy. This is becoming easier, easier still. Jokes are superficial by nature, even when they hint at deeper truths. The key is to never puncture the surface, never to interrogate anyone's reasoning for a time before their existence or asking what he meant by questioning her truthfulness, and so, she lets his first joke slide and turns an equally blind eye to any sense of nausea in the space between them.

Likewise, she turns her face away from him, toward another group of hosts to the side. ]

I'd go back to Antarctica, when my father took me on a walk to see penguins. For a bit there, I thought I could forgive him.

[ Quick, before he could interrogate that either, she takes one step back even as she holds him again with her gaze. ]

Once we're back at the station, we'll make them show us how they brought us here. It'll be a start.