mental link; whichever day is today

[shiro2hero]

[The mental voice is... hesitant. Like he's trying his best to modulate his tone, and not sure if he's speaking too loudly or too softly.]

(This has probably been a long time coming... but I have to admit. I'm not good with people in my head.) [A flicker of regret and flashing images quickly stifled.] (Or at controlling what goes through my mind. Someone here called them flashbacks. Guess that works out.)

(It's a long story.)

[So please don't ask, goes unsaid, but like a lot of things here, it's probably felt.]

(But it's been affecting others here, and for that, I'm sorry. I need to be better at this. So I'm asking for help...)

[So he doesn't accidentally overwhelm the wrong person with the wrong memory. Or panic right in front of someone.]

(And before anyone asks - the answer to 'are you okay' is ... not something I want to talk about right now. Sorry.)

[Wait, wait, crap. How does he close this. There's a flustered feeling before just... the mental image of a closed comm connection. He figures that's as good as anything.]

[For anyone who wants to talk in person, he's hauled himself back up onto the roof, bundled up into an oversized hoodie. Black, of course. Hands shoved into his pockets. Probably being all brooding-looking while inside, he's just wondering what it's like to pilot one of the vehicles he sees zooming around.]

Comments

i'm sorry for bruce.......

[batmotif]

(Sparring will force yourself to focus, to hone your concentration into something razor-sharp. With enough practice, this way of thinking can even be applied outside of combat and it may help with the problems you've been having.)

[So apparently you're about to find yourself in a sparring session, Shiro, I hope you were prepared for this??]

DON'T BE HE'S FINE

[shiro2hero]

(Oh.)

[Oh, is that all it is. He's relieved -- honestly. He had no idea what was coming, but just sparring? He can handle that.]

(Yeah. It's worth a try.)

:3333

[batmotif]

[Don't worry, Bruce is the last person who'll offer a in-depth heart to heart, Shiro. He'd rather solve their problems via physical violence, naturally.

There's no response afterwards, though he won't make Shiro wait long. The door to the rooftop creaks open, heralding Bruce's arrival. It's easy enough to spot his broodmate, and he walks towards him.

First, though:] Have others offered solutions to you, yet?

[shiro2hero]

[He looks up, nodding a bit. Hands still buried in the pockets of his sweatshirt. At least it's comfortable.]

[One hand, though, the human one, gestures out over the city, like he's motioning to visible options.]

A few. Some seem a little more extreme than others.

[batmotif]

[He looks over the city, invited by the gesture. It thrums beneath them, but Bruce's brows cinch together at Shiro's words.]

Exactly how extreme? [Should he be concerned?]

[shiro2hero]

... Someone is offering to remove the memories causing the problems.

[He says it a little distantly. Recalling the words, sifting through things. It's hard to focus on talking than he thought it'd be.]

[batmotif]

[He looks at Shiro, trying to read the man's expression. It would be easy enough to get a bead via connection alone, but Bruce's walls remain habitually vigilant, even in the presence of a broodmate, and he doesn't reach.

But he will ask.]

Remove them completely? Is this something you're actually considering?

[shiro2hero]

... I am.

[Somehow, when he says it out loud, he feels guilty. Like he shouldn't be thinking this way.]

I don't want to snap around the wrong person.

[batmotif]

[A moment of silence passes as Bruce considers this. It isn't something that he would even entertain, but Shiro's memories were his own. He could decide what to do with them himself, and it's only through closeness of brood (prefaced by that needling concern), that he doesn't just leave it at that.]

They say our memories are what make us who we are. But at the same time, they're malleable. They change every day.

[There's a side to each argument, as always. But Bruce forever errs on the side of caution.]

Would you regret losing that part of yourself? Wouldn't you rather learn to control it, rather than erase it?

[shiro2hero]

That's what he said, too.

[In different words, but still. He doesn't say it to be argumentative. But then he's blowing out a breath, looking out over the city. Quiet and guarded.]

... I would. But I don't know if I have that choice.

[I have to protect the others - is a flickering, stifled thought. Of course he'd rather work things out. Of course he'd rather defeat it than just run from it. Prove that nagging alien voice in his mind wrong.]

[But they might not have the luxury of him going through trial and error.]

[batmotif]

[The thought is transient, but Bruce sees it before it flickers away completely. He understands, he can empathize with the need to protect that which you hold dear, people whom you care about. He cannot fault Shiro for feeling this way, to be wavering on the edge of uncertainty -- to find the most effective, "easiest" fix for the sake of playing it safe.

If circumstances were different -- if Bruce were not so stubborn, and not so against with anything that interferes with the mind -- he may consider it as well, if he were Shiro. Therefore criticism does not come as swift as usual, but it won't stop him from offering advice.]

This isn't a situation where you have no choice. There are always options.

[He shifts his weight, crossing his arms. Gives his broodmate a steady sort of look.]

I understand not wanting to hurt the rest of the Nest. But maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit. [A beat.] Regardless, before you decide to do anything drastic, maybe you should try a few of the more mundane solutions first.

[shiro2hero]

[He doesn't want to disagree. But he can't help thinking it's not true. He might actually hurt someone, here, if he breaks down. At home, he'd only ever put himself at risk.]

[That's an acceptable risk, isn't it? No one but you getting hurt?]

[He doesn't have a choice, if he wants to keep others out of harm's way. At least, according to what he's hearing.]

If we weren't here, I'd agree with you.

[He glances over to Bruce out of the corner of his eye.]

They told me people losing control here can get others killed. I don't want that. [Deep breaths...] Sam Wilson is offering coping skills.

I'm not turning him down. But at the same time, how can I be sure that's going to be enough?

[batmotif]

[Getting others killed? Bruce values privacy, and in turn he keeps others at an arms-length, so that they may enjoy the same. But there are times in which he feels the need to push past that barrier when necessary; to understand, to grasp at a solution, to not be ignorant of an underlying problem or instigation.

And so, the man feels as if he's lacking an important piece of context. His question comes brusquely as a result.]

What exactly are you afraid of happening?

[Details. The word rings between them.]

[shiro2hero]

[This... is not going to be easy. Not on any level. He doesn't want to have this conversation, but if this man is going to be linked to him more closely than others, he owes Bruce the knowledge. And Ren's words just cemented the possibility into something more like reality.]

[When he manages to find the words, they're slow, quiet. The only way he can think of to get them out.]

A year ago, maybe longer... me and my crew [His crew, always his. Always his responsibility.] were taken prisoner by an alien empire we didn't even know existed. I... Don't remember most of it. Just flashes. I don't know where I was, what I did. Where... parts of me were taken,

[Meaning the metal arm. The limb it replaced.]

And when I do remember, I'm... back there again, until it's over. Or something pulls me back. And last time it happened... [images of metal hand impacting glass the cracks radiating out like ripples he didn't mean to do that and it hurts oh god it hurts so much what's going on it's glowing he doesn't want this what did they do and BLANK.]

... I attacked a prisoner. And ejected his pod into space.

[batmotif]

[Bruce listens, uninterrupting. Letting Shiro chose his words slowly and carefully, allowing him take his time to explain. He can tell that this isn't easy for his broodmate, and to show impatience would be a disservice.

And besides, this was starting to sound like a very delicate situation; something a bit more complicated than merely dealing with traumatic memories. (Bruce had his own armful of those, a heavy weight molded into purpose.) Instead, it was more reminiscent to a severe case of PTSD, and Shiro may feel a surge of unbridled concern before he even finishes his explanation.

Though the sentiment is interrupted by flashes of memories that aren't his own, metal striking glass, the cracks streaking outwards like lightning, pain and panic and-

Bruce's mental walls fly up, not rejecting the memory, but distancing himself from it; it's a steely sort of fortitude, heralded by the odd cacophony of bats, but offering his broodmate something akin to control. To calm, if he would have it.]

Do you know what causes these flashbacks? And what can pull you out of them?

[shiro2hero]

[You have to actually recall the traumatic memories in order to deal with them. He... only has the bits and pieces. And hell if he knows how they're meant to fit together. If they even fit together. There has to be a reason he forgot, after all...]

[Maybe he's not supposed to remember.]

[He does feel that concern, and shakes his head, like he's trying to physically deny it, before it even registers completely. He's not used to accepting it. Not used to wanting it. He's supposed to be the one in charge. The one in control. Having it come from elsewhere feels... strange.]

[But he'll take the offer of control, of calm. He'll take anything that isn't replaying that moment in his mind.]

... No. No, I don't... know. That's the problem. I don't remember what started it in the first place.

[A helpless, frustrated shrug.] I just... they've just faded. Run their course. This is the first time I've even heard of them being something you could pull out of.

[batmotif]

[What Bruce offers may be surprising, considering what most believe his personality to be. And in some ways, its delivery (to the point, blunt) runs parallel with these impressions. But it highlights his concern for his fellow hosts, his fellow broodmate, when he says:]

You have your broodmates to lean on, if you ever think you're going to lose control again. I know you're afraid of harming them, but we'd be willing to offer our strength of mind to you if you needed it. I'm willing to, it you think it would help.

[He may do it anyway, whether or not Shiro really asks for it.]

A clearer head and focus may be beneficial to you in the long run, as well. [Not that Shiro may not already possess such attributes, but one can always improve.] A strength of mind over external forces, control over stresses such as anxiety and pain. I'm still willing to spar with you to aid in its practice.

[shiro2hero]

I... appreciate that offer. It means a lot to have someone say that.

[But -- there's always a but. And if it weren't for the 'but', he would accept immediately. His metal hand slips out of his pocket, held out in front of him, his eyes on the palm. Little flickers of light along the edges of it.]

[And... memories of it plunging into spaceship hulls. Cutting down enemies like they were made of paper.]

... I'm worried. Because of this. No one's been able to stand up to it yet -- not without their own version of it anyway.

[He takes a deep breath, nodding shortly.]

I can do that much. Sparring, at least.

[batmotif]

[The metal of Shiro's arm shines in the dull light of the city below. When Bruce looks at it, his resolve tightens in his chest. He's not a man to turn down a challenge, even if that challenge is how will you incapacitate a broodmate with a metal arm, if it ever comes down to that?

Well, the answer is standing right in front of him, isn't it? He uncrosses his arms to motion at the metal.]

Two birds with one stone, then. [They can get the sparring part done, and:] Show me how to stand up to a man with a metal arm, show me how to fight him. You're the only one who can teach any of us that.

[shiro2hero]

[He's silent for a moment. Looking at him -- partially surprised, and partially in agreement. It's true, isn't it? He's the only one with this arm, isn't he?]

[He looks away, but only for a slow, deep breath.]

All right. I'll see what I can figure out.

[Because no one's managed to stand up to it yet. Not without being, well. Sendak. And he had an arm augmentation of his own.]

[batmotif]

[Au contraire, Bruce is ready to start right now if his broodmate is able.]

We can start now.

[shiro2hero]

[He blinks for a second, before he nods, moving to peel the hoodie off. There's just a plan t-shirt underneath, but it's easier to move in than the sweatshirt.]

[Of course, it also shows off his arm. More than he has since he arrived here. Metal from mid-bicep to fingertip.]

That works for me.

[batmotif]

[He eyes that arm, even as he takes a step back to provide enough room for them to start. He shifts his weight, raising his arms, preparing his stance.

He won't make the first move, but already his mind is sifting through the possibilities on how to fight a man with a metal arm.]

[shiro2hero]

[For now, he doesn't activate it. He just hopes the simple act of sparring won't suddenly kick on some hidden switch and end up killing the other man.]

[He... really doesn't know if he could live with that.]

[Regardless, his own posture shifts, like something out of a martial arts movie, metal fingers held flat and parallel to the ground - arm bent.]

[And then he's moving. Almost no warning. Just a brief tension, before he swings the metal arm like a club for his opponent's shoulder. To knock off balance.]

[batmotif]

[Bruce will take his chances. He always does; it isn't an inclination born from overconfidence, but just plain bullheadedness. If sparring will help Shiro, then so be it. If sparring will help him if something terrible does happen in the future, then even better.

Shiro is surprisingly fast, and Bruce has to rely on his muscle memory alone to shift out of the way of that metal arm, his instincts kicking in and telling him that this is the movement of a man who is about to punch you, move aside.

And he does, twisting his torso at barely the right angle. The metal fist whiffs right past him, and Bruce latches onto it with his own grip, pulling forward and down, attempting to throw Shiro to the ground.]