mental link; whichever day is today

[shiro2hero]

[The mental voice is... hesitant. Like he's trying his best to modulate his tone, and not sure if he's speaking too loudly or too softly.]

(This has probably been a long time coming... but I have to admit. I'm not good with people in my head.) [A flicker of regret and flashing images quickly stifled.] (Or at controlling what goes through my mind. Someone here called them flashbacks. Guess that works out.)

(It's a long story.)

[So please don't ask, goes unsaid, but like a lot of things here, it's probably felt.]

(But it's been affecting others here, and for that, I'm sorry. I need to be better at this. So I'm asking for help...)

[So he doesn't accidentally overwhelm the wrong person with the wrong memory. Or panic right in front of someone.]

(And before anyone asks - the answer to 'are you okay' is ... not something I want to talk about right now. Sorry.)

[Wait, wait, crap. How does he close this. There's a flustered feeling before just... the mental image of a closed comm connection. He figures that's as good as anything.]

[For anyone who wants to talk in person, he's hauled himself back up onto the roof, bundled up into an oversized hoodie. Black, of course. Hands shoved into his pockets. Probably being all brooding-looking while inside, he's just wondering what it's like to pilot one of the vehicles he sees zooming around.]

Comments

[adamance]

( Yes.

Bellamy is one of my people. )

[The meaning to these words might not translate in words alone, but the sense through the link is more of ... citizenship, with her as the leader, than anything like a clique or something like that.]

[shiro2hero]

(You know him from home?)

[Venturing curiously. To see if he understands her correctly. He thinks so -- but it never hurts to double check.]

[adamance]

( Yes. I'm the commander of his people. )

[Which is something that she has stubbornly refused to budge on, even here.]

[shiro2hero]

[He can relate to that.]

(I hear you there. One of my people is here, too.)

[And... that's part of the problem, honestly.]

[adamance]

( So, you're their leader? )

[There's the sense that her interest is piqued here. There are a number of individuals here who are in leading roles, but that doesn't mean they can't have another.]

[shiro2hero]

(Back where we came from, I am.)

[Because someone had to be. Because he was there... that's the only reason. Right?]

[adamance]

( You speak as if it changes because you're here. Why is that? )

[It's not a notion she agrees with. Leadership is a lifestyle choice, as far as Lexa is concerned.]

[shiro2hero]

(I guess I did make it sound that way, didn't I?)

[Whoops. He pushes his hand through his hair, taking a moment to think that over before responding.]

(It hasn't, now that I think about it. I came here for my team's sake. I'll do whatever I have to while I'm here, so they're safe.]

[adamance]

( Consider why you are their leader. We could use more guiding hands within the Nest.

But not if you lack confidence in yourself. )

[How did they get to this from a mention of Bellamy? Probably partly because Lexa is both a leader and a teacher. She's intent on trying to find the core of someone and bring out the best within them. It doesn't always work, but no one can say she doesn't try.]

[shiro2hero]

[He's fairly sure "I was the only legal adult in the area" is a bad answer. Even if, at the moment, it sure feels like the right one. It didn't always. There were times he felt like it was natural.]

[But after the incident with the castle going crazy, nothing is sure.]

(Confidence isn't easy to get back when you lose it.)

(I'd say now... I'm the leader to keep them safe.)

[adamance]

( Offering protection doesn't take a leader.

Why you and not someone else? )

[shiro2hero]

[He doesn't know. Not anymore. Maybe someone else would be better. But --]

(Someone important trusted me to.)

(That's all the answer I have, right now. Hopefully, I learn a better one. But for now... that's what I have to believe.)

[adamance]

( Someone's trust isn't to be easily dismissed.

Still, I'll repeat myself: find a reason for yourself that's authored by yourself. You aren't quick to dismiss your role. That's important. )

[shiro2hero]

(No. It's not. You're right, there.)

[He nods. A sense of agreement an acceptance. Something to work on -- a goal. That's good. That's better than flailing around aimlessly.]

(Something to keep in mind. I'll work on it.)

[It's as much a promise as it can be.]

[adamance]

[She considers for a moment, believing his candid answers here to be good and sincere. There are some in Bellamy's brood that she doesn't like as much, or trust as much, but this one feels less like he's likely to spin around and stick a knife in her back.]

( As my people's commander, I'm tasked to help train the next generation of leaders.

If you should ever need advice in these matters, feel free to come to me. )

[An olive branch to a relative stranger, and not given freely. But she does tell herself that she has all the Hosts' best interests at heart.]

[shiro2hero]

(Your people?)

[It's curious. Another honest, simple question. Even if he could hide someone in his own head, he probably wouldn't. Allura always talked about 'her people'. Maybe it's similar.]

(I appreciate that. Very much. Thank you.)

[adamance]

( I should have been clearer. Being their leader isn't ... a title, like that of a team. I'm the person who is the head of the entirety of society, thousands of people. Bellamy is just one of them. )

[It's not the first time that she's encountered confusion over it here.]

( And you are welcome. )

[shiro2hero]

(I understand. I know someone who... should be like that, if things ended better.)

[For Alteans, at least. Allura should be their leader, in that same sense. Instead, she's stuck with the five humans and Coran.]

(You sound like you've got a difficult job. Thousands of people and all.)

[adamance]

( Leading has its challenges no matter the number of people.

I just have to meet the needs of more. What they think is best doesn't always line up with my personal perspective on matters. )

[shiro2hero]

(Does that happen often?)

[Because for the moment, she strikes him as a hard person to disagree with -- for good reason.]

[adamance]

( Before I came here, it began to happen too frequently.

But they usually come around on it. )

[Not always. Hence the word "usually."]

[shiro2hero]

(Sorry to hear that.)

[Because the phrasing there doesn't sound like it's anything good. Things beginning to happen too often, and all.]

(The first part. Not the last part.)

[adamance]

( Change is often met with dissension. )

[Yes, Lexa always has a way of speaking that both sounds like a proverb and like she's answering.]

( Your sympathies aren't necessary. Even if things may prove difficult, I should be prepared for it.

But thank you all the same. )

[Once upon a time, she was almost too prideful to say thank you, especially to a relative stranger. She's getting better.]

[shiro2hero]

(Or defiance.)

[In the case of teenagers who get dragged into insane outer space missions. Not that he can really blame them.]

(You're welcome. Hopefully they aren't too difficult to prepare for.)

(And... thank you. For the advice. Can I look you up if I could use another hand training the mental activities?)

[adamance]

( What control I have is shaken whenever I come in contact with too many emotions I cannot control. But individually, I can help you with them. )

[In the moment, in her head, she can keep others from seeing how she feels, latching on and prying her open—but it's the push, the instability of her control, that suffers.

But individually, she has managed because of her meditation practices. It may help him come to terms with what he's lost at least, and deal with it.]