[backdated to day 44: mental link]

[adamance]

[Withholding information had not been Lexa's goal, but she had wanted to thoroughly research what she could before she brought it to the rest of the Nest. For that reason, Lexa has been busy, but has been careful not to reveal what she has in hand until she's ready. Even as she prepares to speak to the Nest, she's not completely prepared, and there's a sense of agitation over this.

By now, she already knows the results of them following Ven, but they haven't yet received the information they require. Why they didn't take the opportunity is bothersome in and of itself, but there is little that she can change about that. It's about moving forward, and it's not as if she has the fullest degree of faith in the Nest. Nothing changes that.]

( Today, I'd like to speak to you all about the results of our meeting with Mind Life. The conversations we had prior to this meeting with the hacker group that privately contacted us may have been accurate on this front. ) [She deliberates revealing what she told them about their goals, but decides against it: Mind Life's desperation to remain stagnant and inactive is worrisome, to say the least.] ( They have their hearts in the right place, but not their minds. I'd say it's ironic given the name of their organization, but not surprising. They prefer passive communication over action. Their idealism may be worthwhile, but they have little help to offer because they refuse to make a show of any aggression.

As a result, our only boon from them is a list of people who they deem trustworthy. Or untrustworthy. Unsurprisingly, Saffit is on the list of unsavory individuals. She doubts that even the untrustworthy men could be behind the bombings, but we may come to see her perspective as one of denial given her unwillingness to act.

I've done the beginning search into many of the other individuals named, but I cannot be as thorough as any of our technical people. Trust that I will not be handing over this list lightly, and that the contents of it will not be available to everyone in the Nest. I would rather prevent any reactionary behavior as a result of what Sheena Frey chose to write down. ) [If anything, she refuses to share everything on the list with the Nest. She may give names, or an idea of whether or not someone is on the list, but she doesn't want any of the Hosts to set out on a crusade.

Especially when she can barely trust Sheena's judgment.]

Comments

[wrackful]

( What, not secretly wishing she'll turn up one day? )

[Though there's actually something a little funny about the fact she isn't here already, now he thinks about it. The golden girl left behind while he, Bellamy and Lexa got picked up for this.]

( Wonder how she'd feel knowing her brain isn't as bug-suitable as ours. )

[adamance]

( Clarke's place is with her people. )

[It's a decisive answer. Lexa's own wants aren't factored in, and even if they were, she realizes that it would be the same. She would never ask someone she loved to experience this.]

( And I believe she would feel the same relief that I feel. And the same relief that you would feel knowing that someone you cared for wasn't able to be among us.

Do you have someone like that, John? )

[wrackful]

[Can't take a joke. Another thing she shares with Clarke, obviously.

Dislike at the use of his first name crackles at the connection. He lets it, lets each spit of static give her a burst of Jaha, using his name, acting like it forged some link in knowing him.

It makes it easier to hide Emori.]

( If I did, I wouldn't waste time feeling relieved until I knew they were safe. )

[adamance]

[The crackling dislike is met with surprise. Her usage of his name is less of a matter of knowledge or control: it's cultural. No one refers to other people by their full clan names unless it's a formality, a way of introducing yourself. She'll keep that in mind for the future.]

( And how do you know if someone is safe while we're here? )

[wrackful]

( You don't. Unless you wanna listen to them telling us that's how it is. )

[adamance]

( You have the wrong impression of my people if you think we're easily sated by empty explanations. )

[Then again, he's been tortured by her people and probably questioned multiple times to make sure his answers would be the same, so ... well. Proof??]

[wrackful]

( No, I think I know exactly what kind of explanations your people prefer. And how much blood they'll spill to get them. )

[adamance]

( I intend to spill no blood here unless it's called for. )

[It may be. It may be that spilling blood is the only way to hold on to their identities, to ensure that they aren't assimilated into the Nest against their will.]

[wrackful]

[Unless it's called for doesn't indicate much restraint, in Murphy's experience. Breathe at a grounder wrong and they'd consider it called for.]

( Reassuring. )

[adamance]

( It ought to be. It's not as if you have any answers we need. )

[She's well aware of her people's tendency toward torture ... and has approved of it countless times.

But he'll learn (in time, most likely) that she hasn't seen fit to torture anyone here.]

[wrackful]

( Yeah, I wasn't talking about me. Turns out three rounds and you really stop being scared of that. )

[adamance]

( Then you'll also remember that I rarely bother to do it myself.

Before you choose to interpret that as me finding someone to do it for me—I mean to use other paths to seek out information, but if we have been ripped away from our people to, say, prolong the existence of these symbiotes, I intend to reveal it. Through any means necessary. )

[wrackful]

( Including pissing everyone else off? See, what I remember is that you usually have people following your orders. But like I said, you're not commander here. How far do you think you're going to get on your own? )

[adamance]

( Why are you under the impression that I require blind loyalty in order to be competent? )

[It's not the first time someone's suggested it. But since it's someone from her world, she doesn't brush it off. Lexa is genuinely curious—but there's a hint of agitation.

There's a moment of silence where he could speak, but she adds:] ( And do not count today's proceedings. ) [Her Do Not Trust list was and is remarkably short.]

[wrackful]

( It's not about it being blind. )

[Part of him still doesn't feel like explaining, like just sitting back and watching is the better course. But she's caught him in the flow of this talk they're having, rolling through on the irritation and incredulity, and yeah, maybe the desire to land it like a blow.]

( Your people follow you because you're a nightblood, you killed all the other nightbloods and won the shiny computer chip in your head. Because you've killed a bunch more people since. Probably didn't even blink, because grounders only recognise strength, right? Real human emotion doesn't apply. )

[And he'd seen, first hand, how perfectly she had that down.]

( Hey, that's your people's way. But what it means is that you had it easy. You don't know how else to earn that, regular, not-blind loyalty, all the other things where people follow you.

I mean, counting today's proceedings, it's more like you totally forgot you had to. )

[adamance]

[The problem with Lexa is that as much as she would love to be an emotionally empty person, she has never been. Clarke had been the first to rip into her for that, because no one else had dared to try. Now she finds herself torn, and there's a well of emotion waiting to cut loose. Part of it is because of his words. Part of it is because of the day's proceedings. And part of it is Kylo Ren's attack two days prior, complete with the solid reminder that in the Nest, she is weak.

None of this surfaces, really—being the splitting, burning anger that rises up. Lexa has always had a temper, but her training has taught her to direct it carefully. Carefully. There is none of that here.]

( I will make one thing clear, John Murphy. I am not Ontari. What you know of commanders is limited. Regardless, what I do know is that you're barely loved by your people. In that, I believe you and her may have something in common. ) [It's a reaction and a sharp one.

Perhaps the underlying point is this: Titus had told her that her emotions weakened and crippled her. He made her into this, and the wound of his betrayal is still fresh.]

[wrackful]

[Anger doesn't phase him. It's familiar. Expected. His own is covered over deep and cold, a surface that's smooth and flat like a sheet of glass. It took more than a few jabs at how his people treated him to break through. Instead there's just curls of bitter amusement. He'd hit a nerve.]

( Yeah, me and Ontari. Birds of a feather. )

[The bitterness carves sharper, for a moment. He'd had no care for Ontari. He might even be glad she's dead.]

( That's why she kept me around instead of killing me. Me telling her how to get the grounders to listen to her, that had nothing to do with it. )

[Fake commander, fake flamekeeper. His knowledge of commanders was limited, he couldn't argue that, but his experience of grounders had been enough to make up for it.]

[adamance]

[The fact that it's clear that she didn't hit a nerve in return is what signals a full retreat for her. Lexa can and will fight to defend herself and her strength, but she knows when to pull back. This is a situation that tells her to do exactly that.]

( Apparently, it wasn't a universal ability, or all the Grounders around you wouldn't have given themselves over. ) [These final words are meant to cut into him before she yanks herself abruptly away from the mind link, cutting the conversation off right there.]