station72 | You’re a stranger to me (open);

Entry tags:

You’re a stranger to me (open);

CHARACTERS: bucky barnes and you!
WHERE: bellatrix brood pods + dark corners
WHEN: once he wakes up idk which day
SUMMARY: bucky has a good nap
WARNINGS: mentions of violence, sad super soldiers etc

{bellatrix brood pods}

Bucky doesn’t remember going to sleep in a tube, but it’s not the first time this kind of thing has happened. When he opens his eyes, deja vu sours his stomach, leaving him with familiar nausea. The sense of belonging that follows immediately in its wake, though, further upsets the bile crawling up his throat. He doesn’t belong here, though he’s not immediately sure of where ‘here’ is; the Soldier is nothing but a danger to those around him.

He sinks to his knees, blinking around at his surroundings, and waits for firm hands to drag him upright before he can take his first breath. But, instead, of the hollow darkness of Siberia, the glow of the Station welcomes him in a way that grows more sickening. There are penalties for getting sick, and he swallows down the acid burning his mouth.

He waits. He waits, jaw clenched and gaze down.

——

{dark corners}

After a chance to re-orient himself with his surroundings and companions, Bucky ducks away to the relative quiet of the far corners of the Station. His head throbs with the chorus of minds connected to his own, but the hollow burn in his chest bites deeper. He had gone to sleep again and in that time, he hadn’t attacked anyone else in the Station, in direct contrast to the majority of his life, both on the Station and off. Thinking back to his arrival on the Station reminded him of something Sam had said about a ‘Sleeping Beauty act.’ Did he choose to go to sleep back on Earth? Was such a thing possible? Could he do the same here on the Station?

For now, though, he needed the space to think. No place on the Station was truly private, but the farther from his fellows, the better.

——

{wildcard???}

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Sam can feel the memories coming back, slowly filling into place, but he doesn't try to interfere. He keeps breathing, in and out, steady and calm, giving Bucky whatever support he needs.

As far as Sam's concerned - this is progress. Feels like every time they do this, it gets easier. That Sam has more of a sense of who Bucky's becoming to draw on, that they're slowly learning what works and what doesn't. ]

( You with me again? )

[Bucky starts to put pieces together under the support of Sam's mental wings, reveling in the shade from the heat of a hundred other voices. There are still a handful that are louder than the others- Bellatrix- but each moment he's awake gets easier to deal with.]

( Sam. ) [The mental equivalent of a sigh resonates over their link. Despite his long sleep, Bucky is tired, exhausted even. ]

( Hey, sunshine. )

[ Now Sam lets himself go a little more, sinking more into their connection with a sensation like fingers through Bucky's hair. Thank you for waking up, he doesn't say, but he feels it anyway.

And he feels Bucky's exhaustion, too - he can't say he knows what it's like, sleeping like that, but somehow it makes sense that it wouldn't actually be all that restful. ]

( Whatcha need, huh? I can leave you something to eat or drink if you're not up for company just yet. )

[More memories click into place, faces, targets. Kicking Sam off a helicarrier rises up beside beating Steve's face in, but Bucky doesn't have the mental energy to shut Sam out. Guilt follows in their wake, heavy on his shoulders, tugging him deeper into exhaustion. Sam's sentiment of gratitude- thank you for waking up- is met with a hollow pain- I don't deserve this.

He tries to draw away from the touch, from the welcoming rush of comfort from Sam's end of the bond.]

( Don't. ) [Don't give him something he doesn't deserve, food or company or otherwise.]

[ There's an echo of that hollow feeling in Sam's own chest, a twisting ache that’s part bleedover from Bucky's emotions and part his own reaction to Bucky's guilt. It ain't his, it's gonna be Bucky's to figure out how to live with, but-

Even without the symbiote connection, Sam would want to help figure it out. With everything he's been through, how the hell couldn’t Bucky feel anything else but that he doesn't deserve anything good? There's a lot Sam would do to change Bucky's mind about that.

A lot he'd do to make Bucky happy, and goddamn when did that happen? ]

( You deserve food, man. I'll wait to argue with you about the rest of it until you've been up longer, but I'm not gonna back off that. )

[Bucky knows he's got no right to be angry, to be frustrated, but the guilt eats deeper into his gut the more faces pass through his mind's eye. Hundreds of people were dead because of him and he'd nearly done the same to Sam on Concordia. Who was to say he deserved anything more than a small chamber and a big lock?

He can't hurt anyone if he's asleep or dead. Food is nowhere on his list of priorities.

But the programming won't let him say no, especially not to something as basic as nutrition.

So he stays silent, instead. Or, as silent as one can with the brood link.]

[ Man, Sam will take anger and frustration. Of course Bucky should be angry and frustrated - with everything that happened, with the situation in general, even with Sam himself for pushing him. You have a right to your feelings, all of them, even the ones that are darker.

Even the ones that might scare the hell out of Sam if he understood just how little Bucky cared about his own continued survival.

He focuses on their brood link, curls around it and anchors himself in the parts of Bucky that call the most strongly to Sam, the parts that are just Bucky. As far as Sam’s concerned - the programming can fuck the hell off, and Bucky isn't alone in the fight anymore. ]

( You can tell me no. Always, for anything. )

[Bucky still struggles with the programming, despite the extra help he's had since day one on the Station. He can't ever completely trust himself or his head. Thinking for himself has gotten him nowhere in the past two years, except right back where he didn't want to be: killing people.

He thinks for a moment of Pierce, of the talk of sacrifice for the sake of the greater good, of leaning back in the chair for the sake of history. Of course, a large part of that was the programming humming under his skin, telling him to obey orders, that his memories of the man on the bridge were inconsequential.

And yet, here he is, feeling once again under the illusion of a choice he has no true power over. Refusing food won't get him far.

It's bullshit, but he doesn't feel like he has the right to think that way.]

[ This, uh. This is way above Sam's paygrade. Has been from day one, honestly, but this...

Sam knows what it's like to want to give up. To see the futility of all of his actions, to believe that it doesn't matter what he does, to wonder what the hell is the point of anything. He remembers not being able to find a reason to keep fighting.

You can't control what happens to you, you can only control your reaction to it - Sam knows that, too, but it falls flat when there's been so long when Bucky couldn't even control that. How the hell is Sam supposed to convince him that it's different now, that even though Bucky's still struggling - he's not doing it alone. He's made progress.

Honestly, right now Sam doesn't know the answer to that. But he knows that he ain't ever gonna give up on Bucky. ]

( What are you feeling, huh? You think you can tell me and be honest? )

[Honesty is something Bucky can agree on. The Soldier didn't ever learn how to lie to superiors and, after escaping HYDRA, even just stretching the truth made his skin itch. His frustration bubbles over the link, despite his effort to contain and his own disappointment at himself for feeling such a thing.]

( Tired. )

[It's one of many.]

( Tired and frustrated, hell, I probably would be too. ) [ Not that Bucky'd said frustrated, but Sam's feeling it from him enough that he's pretty sure it's a safe bet. ] ( You're allowed to have feelings, man, I know it's hard to believe that now but I'm just gonna keep saying it. I like it when you show emotion around me. )

[ Which... isn't necessarily the kind of thing that Sam's directly said before, but if Bucky's being honest with him, Sam can, too. ]

( How about some actual rest that don't come with that kind of shitty wake up call? )

[It's times like these when Bucky hates the link connecting them. There's no privacy, no sense of quiet, no hiding anything from anyone. Sam says he likes when Bucky shows emotion, but breaking through a rigid muzzle forced on him by HYDRA for decades is near impossible.

Sleeping sounds awful nice right now. Shutting his eyes for the next while will keep him out of people's hair, too. Finding a place to bunk down on the Station, though, is its own challenge.]

Sure.

[ Near impossible. But Sam’s continually amazed by how far Bucky's managed to break from them already, and as far as he's concerned Bucky's one of the strongest damn people he knows. Sam's got no doubt that he can do it, especially with a little help. ]

( I got a ship in the hangar. Far from anyone else, good escape route, already set up to be easily defensible. It's where I've been sleeping. ) [ Of anyone here, he figures he can tell Bucky that and not be considered paranoid. After the Raft - well, Sam's back to not sleeping all that easy these days. ]

( You can crash there. Won't be disturbing anyone and I can make sure no one bugs you. )

[At first, sleeping in a ship sounds almost comforting. He's done that on the way back from missions before, when his hands were caked in blood and no one dared to stop him from closing his eyes. When Sam offers to keep watch, though, Bucky finds himself asking why before he can silence the question.

Why him? Why all this effort?]

[ There's a quiet trickle of support for Bucky asking that question - not quite approval, but definitely a positive feeling.

Of course, then it means Sam has to answer it. He thinks about saying because they're friends, but that's not quite it - thinks about turning it around and asking Bucky why he shielded him from the spider guy or gave him the coin. But he doesn't want to meet Bucky's question with a question.

If Bucky asks him why, Sam'll always give him a real answer, and he lets that promise across their mental link. ]

( Lotta reasons, man, but most of them go into the things you and I disagree on right now, about the things you deserve. How about - I like you. As you are right now and for who you're figuring out you're gonna be. I want to. I think we can go this alone or we can have each other’s backs, and I wanna pick the second one. )

[Things he deserves.

What does a mass murderer deserve? What does a war criminal deserve? What does a man who ended others' lives without blinking deserve? Not just enemy combatants, but anyone who stood in the way, anyone whose only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. People with families and friends and lives cut short.

For as much as he tries to distance himself from the Soldier, Bucky refuses to remove himself from the guilt. His hands took lives. No matter if he's Sargent Barnes or Bucky with the good hair or Sunshine.

In an instant, he wants very much to be alone. Programming being what it is won't allow him to refuse outright.]

[ And there they go. Sam almost regrets saying that, calling attention to it, but it's the truth. And he could counter every one of those with another thing that Bucky was - a veteran, a prisoner of war, a victim of experimentation and torture, a loaded gun, a fucked up soldier with a shitload of PTSD. When does someone who's been through seventy plus years of misery deserve just a moment of happiness?

But it doesn’t matter. Bucky's all of those things and none of them, and Sam isn't sure he's in a space to really hear any of that.

And Bucky's silence says more than anything he could say. ]

( You think you're the only soldier who ever had blood on their hands and had to figure out how to keep going without absolving themselves of responsibility for it? You're maybe more extreme than most, but... What you did and what was done to you helped shape who you are now, but it doesn't define you. )

[ There's a feeling like an exhale, like Sam's scratching his fingers through his hair. ] ( You can still go to the ship, no one's gonna be there. )

[Bucky remains silent, or as silent as one can with the steady chatter of the Nest and one's own thoughts. The decades separating him from other soldiers were spent massacring people, day in and day out. He doesn't know what else could define him if not the deaths he caused. If he isn't the man from Steve's memories with the easy smile, then all that leaves is the Soldier. The Soldier that is always lurking just under the surface, waiting for the words, or even less these days. He's a danger to all those around him. He can't compromise Sam's safety or that of his sleeping place. Bucky knows well how valuable a good place to sleep is.

He shies away from the mental touch, pushing up walls that are little more than sand at this point.]

[ Not in a space to hear any of that it is, then.

Sam honestly hates the idea of leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts, thinking that he doesn't deserve to be around and he's nothing more than a danger, but... he can also feel that Bucky wants to be alone. And Sam's slowly coming to the somewhat uncomfortable realization that he would do damn near anything Bucky wanted - because he wanted it.

He pulls back, respecting the walls Bucky pulls up even if he could easily get through them. ]

( All right, sunshine, I can read the "get out Wilson" loud and clear. I'll catch up with you later, maybe work on those walls with you. )

[ Sam lets go of their link, pulling his own walls up tight. They've gotten stronger since he's been at the station, since he's been practicing and helping other people build theirs, and he stays true to what he said. Gives Bucky some space, hopefully so he can get some rest, and doesn't even try to keep a mental eye on him.

It's not until the next day that Sam goes looking for him, that he lets himself focus on Bucky's presence just a little. ]

( Can we talk? In person? )

[Bucky doesn't seek out the ship. He does depart the nesting deck and dives deep into the belly of the Station, removing himself as much as physically (and mentally) possible from the rest of the Nest. He doesn't go looking for Steve or Sam for company any more than he does food and the longer he's away from the others, the heavier his links become. The Nest wants him to cooperate, to be among his brood, and the programming buzzing under his skin tells him the same. Holing up in what might be an abandoned section of the life support is the best he can do and sleep comes and goes in spells, interrupted by the many faces that follow him into his dreams.

Sam's presence is little more than a ping on the radar, gentle like before.

Bucky's honestly surprised Sam let him alone this long.

It doesn't matter if he says yes or no, so he simply lights up his end of the connection like a flare.]

[ It'd matter a little. But only because if he said no Sam would probably try to tell him why they should talk, or try again later. It's something of a relief that Bucky gives him a signal to where he is, though. It's... not fun, feeling Bucky so cut off from him, feeling the distance of their brood link when his connection with Bucky has become one of the stronger ones he has.

And more than that, he likes being around the stupid guy.

So he follows the flare to whatever dark, deep section of the Station that Bucky'd sequestered himself in, carrying a big container of soup and a pair of spoons with him. ]

Hey. You still sitting here thinking that you staying away from me's the best thing for both of us?

[The lights overhead are dimmed and Bucky's seated at a small table tucked into the corner where a bunk intersects a storage locker. Bucky keeps his back to Sam and doesn't greet him outright. His shoulders remain hunched even as he replies,] Haven't hurt anyone.

[Considering that's his new standard for a decent day is downright depressing to him. Anyone else would call that standard for being a human being. And yet, here he is, cloistered in the dark because he has no control over himself. That makes him less than human and not exactly fit company.]

[ He hasn't, technically, though Sam kind of feels like pointing out that Bucky's hurting himself - and that there’s other ways of hurting people than physical. He doesn't, though. At this point he's not all that sure Bucky'd see this as hurting himself - or cares if he does.

Sam steps in closer, making sure his footsteps make noise even though he knows Bucky could probably tell he was moving in without it. It's habit, when coming up behind someone he doesn't wanna sneak up on. ]

Running don't work long term, man, we both know that. I think you and I can come up with something better.

[Bucky doesn't see it as hurting anyone at all. He's a bit more of a nuisance to find, but he's also hoping most people will give up. Sam isn't most people. With Sam's loud footsteps, Bucky doesn't need to look behind him to know where Sam's standing, even if the link weren't lit up like a firework.

Part of him knows he can't run, that there will always be another Berlin, another incident.

But there's something he needs to ask first.]

When we got here, you said I was doing a Sleeping Beauty. What'd you mean?

[ Yeah, well. Maybe Bucky hurting is the thing that hurts Sam. Except he doesn't want to admit that, so at least Bucky is safe from having to talk about that.

He frowns at that question as he takes a moment to figure out what Bucky means - and then keeps frowning. There's a part of him that wants to ask why, or hedge around answering, but Bucky deserves better than that. ]

You went back under, in Wakanda. It was a stupid decision but it was your decision, and I was a little too caught up to get the chance to tell you why it was stupid.

[ So Sam was gonna respect it, frustrating as it was. ]

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that was supposed to be over the mental link whoops

I figured lmao I forget to code it too sometimes

sob

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