station72 | mental link; day 49/50ish

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mental link; day 49/50ish

[ Sam's... not normally one to use the mental link to talk to the Nest in general; he still prefers in person most of the time. But the only other option he can think of for something like this is to stick up flyers, so mental link it is. With his widened connection comes the feeling of feathers and a distance rush of wind. ]

( For those of you who don't know me - I'm Sam. I'm one of the people you can find spending half the day in the training hall. I know a lot of us have got our own training routine, but I'm looking to step outside mine a little.

Guess you could call this an interest check, see who'd be up for doing some training in working together. I know everyone ain't into the team thing and I'm not asking you to be, if you don't want to. Just looking for the willing. We're all doing missions together, it'd be nice to have some practice seeing how our skills can compliment each other.

Not gonna drop my resume on people who ain't interested, but I'll answer any questions you want about my experience. Or you can find me in the training hall every morning. )

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[ Uh-huh, sure. Whatever makes Damon feel better.

So much for not calling Damon on how specific that title was. Sam can roll with it, though. He doesn't know Stefan, not like Damon does, and he's not gonna make any judgement on specific people here - but he sure as hell can make a judgement on the kind of person that Damon's describing. ]

( Yeah, all right, I'd say it's up for debate, too. I'd also say whoever came up with that shitty ass description for 'good' is a moron. Being self righteous and thinking only you can save everyone and you gotta show off how good you are doesn't make you good, it makes you an arrogant jackass. )

[ And Sam's starting to get an even clearer picture now, of why Damon is so damn attached to being the bad brother. Of just how rigid this idea of good and bad must be for him, of why he was so surprised the first few times Sam stepped out of it. ]

( And no, I'm not gonna guess. It's a matter of opinion, far as I'm concerned. )

( this is... weird. and complicated. and not something damon really feels like dealing with right now, but he brought it up, so it's not as though he can just shut down the conversation and step back and totally ignore it. the fact of the matter is, stefan is a better person than him. why damon thinks he does the things he does is irrelevant — and even if his motives aren't always pure, for the most part they are. he does good things because he just wants to, because he's good in a way damon will never be. he can make fun of his brother and talk shit about him all he wants, but it seems wrong to give sam this skewed perception of things.

Doesn't really matter what you think. What matters is what you do.

damon can have all the regrets and guilt he wants, but if he doesn't act on it, it doesn't change anything. whatever stefan thinks, whyever he does the things he does, he does them. it's that simple.

You haven't spent a lot of time with Stefan.

you don't really know what you're talking about, sam. )

[ For all Damon's attitude about this, coming in and scoffing at the idea of good and throwing shade at his brother, it's just as obvious that he cares. Sam'd already known that, just from looking in Damon's mind, and even though Sam'd already been abstaining from any specific judgement - well, it would have been a perfect opportunity for Damon to roll with it and paint a picture exactly how he wanted it to be.

He doesn't. He really believes that Stefan is good and he isn't, even as he passes up the opportunity to do what could more or less objectively be considered the bad thing - and Sam still feels the hint of shame mixed in with all that pride from a moment ago.

This is gonna be a thing, maybe more than Sam thought before. ]

( No. I haven't. Not enough to know what kind of person he is. )

[ Sam's not opposed to changing that, either. He just doesn't think it's gonna change his opinion of Damon, and he still thinks this good brother/bad brother idea is a whole lot of not good. ]

( I just don't agree there's only one way to be good. It's a hell of a lot more complicated of a thing to pin down. )

( this is why he used to hate the idea of the mental links. having sam projecting understanding at him is so gross it makes damon want to do something stupid just to prove him wrong — but he did that with misato, and that worked out about as well as anyone could have guessed it would go. he doesn't have the energy to throw another tantrum today, still recovering from the fight with seviilia, and he doesn't want to throw one at sam anyway. sam could take it, sure, and he probably wouldn't even be all that pissed about it, but that's the thing. he wouldn't be angry. not even if he should be.

Maybe it is. In the end it still comes down to what you do. Why and how is just flavour.

i don't do good, elena. it's not in me. echoes in his head, and no matter that the wrong person heard it, damon stands by the statement. he doesn't do good. he's selfish, and he's violent, and impulsive, and he'll protect what's his at all costs if he has to, but that's not good. if things had been different, if elena hadn't been herself, or sam hadn't been himself, they could have been just as expendable as anyone else.

he knows himself, and sometimes he thinks he's the only person who sees him clearly. )

[ For a moment, he's quiet, and then he refocuses until his connection with the Nest narrows, until what he says is only for Damon. There's things they both know about each other that not a lot of others do, things Sam's not looking to share with the Nest at large, and this is starting to look like it might head down that path.

Sam knows trauma and violence, through his own experience and those of the vets he helped back home - through the things he's felt and lived here. He knows being so messed up inside, so full of anger and guilt and hate and hopelessness and fear and sadness that you do stupid, shitty things just because you've got nothing else left. He knows someone swerving into oncoming traffic to avoid what wasn't an IED, knows punching something until his knuckles are bloody because physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional.

He knows that the why always matters, that it's so much more than flavor - but he also knows that Damon has a point, and it does come down to what you do. ]

( I felt you in my head last night, man, did you know you reached out? )

[ It'd kind of felt unconscious, so all Sam'd done was try to breathe with him for a moment and let it be otherwise, but he'd still felt it. ]

( there's a pause, and damon clearly doesn't really know how to respond to this line of questioning. he hadn't been reaching out for sam purposefully, certainly; the connection between them is always open, more so than it is for really anyone else in the nest, bar elena, but damon wanted to keep himself to himself last night. reaching for sam wasn't part of his plan.

Sure you didn't confuse me for somebody else, brother? I wasn't trying to talk last night. )

( Nah, brother, there's no one I confuse for you. )

[ Not intentional, then - Sam doesn't know what it means that their connection is close enough that Damon's mind reaches out for support unconsciously. He doesn't even know what it means that he doesn't oppose the idea at all, but that's not something he's looking to explore at the moment. ]

( You weren't trying to talk, you were trying to breathe. I don't know if it worked; I didn't wanna pry when you didn't ask. )

( the idea that his consciousness reaches for sam without his even trying is... not really one damon knows what to do with. sam's a friend, and a close one at that, but control is such a precious commodity to damon, he's loathe to think he's lost control of even his own mental impulses. his actions, certainly, impulse control in that way has never been damon's strong suit, but control over his own mind? he's exercised that with a ruthless efficiency. he's never killed someone he didn't make a choice to kill, never been so overwhelmed by his hunger that he couldn't control himself. that control now being lost... it's not something he wants to consider.

so he doesn't.

I didn't kill Misato.

so it... kind of worked? he kicked seviilia's ass and got his own kicked, though, so... it's kind of a toss up, really. )

( Most days I'd say that counts as a win. )

[ He's not sure what Misato did to piss Damon off enough that he had to struggle with it, but... sometimes he's pretty sure that all it takes might be wrong place, wrong time, when Damon's going through shit and needs to get it out somehow.

Sam's not gonna push too far, not when it's probably already throwing him that he reached out without thinking about it. Not when it's something he'd like Damon to do more. ]

( You can do it whenever you want, you know, I'm a hell of a lot better than one of those stupid little apps that paces breathing. )

[ Which he knows about because he's had to use them, before, but this ain't about him. The implication is enough without going into details. ]

( Only most?

better to make jokes than to deal with the emotional reality of a situation, that's damon's motto.

I don't really think I'll be looking for help breathing again any time soon, but thanks, I'll keep it in mind.

he's an asshole. he knows he's an asshole, but not being one is worse than being one — admitting that he's affected by things is just going to mean they get used against him one day. not by sam, no, it's not his style, won't be even when he ends up hating damon, but sam's way further in the nest than he is. so many people, probably people damon's never even met, have access to the things that go on in there. anyone could pluck out his weaknesses, if they wanted to, and sam would be helpless to stop them. )

( Only most. )

[ He teases back, light and easy, but he's more thoughtful about the second response.

Because wow Damon, Sam would protest helpless. The closeness he has with some of the Nest started as a byproduct of working on his shields, and the connection he has with Bucky, Clint, Damon and the rest of his brood - it's the exception. Even then, he guards the pieces of other people he holds much more fiercely than himself.

But that doesn't mean being vulnerable isn't scary as hell, and that doesn't mean he doesn't understand Damon's reluctance. Still, he's gotta try. ]

( Doesn't have to be breathing, man, I got other things. )

( What are you angling for, Sam?

the question is abrupt, tinged with frustration. he doesn't want to talk about feelings again today. he doesn't want to explain why killing misato was on his mind, why he's so worn out today, where he was last night. he wants to just... be. to separate himself from his issues and just exist, the same snarky, charming asshole he's always been. no one wants to let him do that lately, everyone wants him to feel, and even if he's accepted that he does, that doesn't mean there isn't a limit to it. )

( Right now? Nothing. Well, maybe for you to start training with me, which is mostly code for let's do even better at wiping the floor with everyone in the next bar fight. And the next time things go to shit. )

[ Because he's honest, and the next mission, it probably will. Lives like theirs, you never know what's gonna come after them. ]

( Feels like you've already been through the ringer, man, I'm not looking to add more on top of that right now. )

[ Just, next time - there's another option. ]

( I don't need training. I'm a vampire. I can kill all of you without breaking a sweat.

and if he can do that to people empowered by the symbiote, imagine what he can do with normal creatures. that's not to say he won't do it, though, and the link makes that much clear. he'll play along with sam's silliness. he just wants sam to know he doesn't have to.

he doesn't say anything in response to sam's dropping the subject, but the faintest glimmer of appreciation can be felt through the link. there's a reason you're his favourite, sam. )

[ There's a hint of something playful, too light to be called a challenge, but more along the lines of I got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Besides, there's always something out there bigger and harder than you. That ain't the point, though, and Sam does have confidence in Damon's skills. ]

( That's why I'm asking you to train with me, so I can learn to compliment what you do. 'Sides- ) [ There's a hint of a grin, teasing. ] ( One of my boytoys wants to meet you. Think he's gonna try to put you through the paces. )

[ Sam'll push, sure - but he also knows that pushing too much does nothing but make things worse. He's got no problem backing off when Damon needs it. ]

Edited 2017-06-30 23:06 (UTC)

( You talk about me to your boyfriends? Sugartits, I'm so touched!

the words are a joke but the sentiment... kind of isn't. any time people talk about him it's usually in terms of "what destruction has he wrought now" and that doesn't tend to make people overly excited for his presence. sam hasn't seen him be overly destructive, and it's not a surprise that he'd talk about him to his friends...

except it kind of is.

Which boytoy? Tiny one, armless one, or bird one? )

( Damn right, honeypie, what kind of drinking partner would I be if I didn't? )

[ Damon is... a not insignificant part of Sam's life, if he's putting it in mild terms. Of course he's talked about him with his friends. Not as much as he thinks about him, sure, but still.

There's another burst of amusement at Damon's descriptors, and the mental impression of Sam shaking his head. ]

( Bird one. The one who likes to lurk up in the rafters, I told him to be polite and actually come say hi with me. )

( damon only knows sam's boytoys theough mental impressions, really — bucky he's met, but he's the only one, and it wasn't enough to start a lasting friendship. sam's mental impressions of each of them are... well, if he thinks about damon in as glowing terms, damon would blush.

This'll be fun, he says, and weirdly enough... he kind of means it. Am I getting the shotgun talk or do you mean actual paces? )

[ Better start blushing, then. He knows Damon is dangerous and impulsive, sure, but Sam trusts him under almost any circumstance.

Barring Elena's life being in danger or Damon being pushed to the breaking point, really, because Sam loves him but he's still practical. ]

( I'm hoping so. ) [ There's another chuckle. ] ( Actual paces, I'm pretty sure. He's probably not above a shotgun speech, though. )

( sam thinks he's practical enough to know the limits of damon's good behaviour, but damon knows that sam's looking at him through rose-coloured glasses. just because he hasn't had reason to do anything stupid here yet doesn't mean he's not himself, which means it's only a matter of time. sam wants to think it can be avoided if damon's in a good enough place... and damon wants sam's friendship too much to tell him that's not how it's going to work.

"Be nice to my boyfriend, new boyfriend, or else, also run this obstacle course in five seconds"? Can't wait.)

[ All right, yeah, that's fair. Sam hasn't seen him when he's in a truly terrible place, and just because he suspects might happen doesn't mean he knows.

But he's not stupid enough to think it can be avoided. It's gonna happen, sooner or later, same as Bucky's gonna get trigger into being the Soldier again - but they deal with that as it comes, and that's the same approach he's gonna take here.

For now - well, for now amusement can spark over their link as Sam laughs. ]

( That's a pretty good impression, man, you should do it for him. He'd love it. )

( Is that mocking I hear, Samuel? Are you mocking me?

a brief sensation of indignance before damon laughs, unable to keep up the act. this is why he can talk to sam about things that actually matter, when he never would with misato, or stefan, or sometimes even elena. sam listens when damon says he's done, and moves on. no pushing, no sense of you would feel better if you just... damon gets to retreat while still being with someone and that is... nice. in a way he never expected, or would have thought to look for.

affection, comradery, friendship — it doesn't have to be cloying or pushy. who knew? )

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mental link; day 49/50ish

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