mental link / day 42

[ryohji]

[ Impatience is a hard ball in the lower half of his gut. In taking three beats to speak, it recedes to a manageable calm. Kaji will keep this short; for his sake, not theirs. ]

( If we fall asleep, don't let them take us back to the Station. We'd rather pass peacefully. I hope you all respect our wishes. )

[ Rust's mental presence is peripheral, an averted glance. Tinged with shame: ] ( Doesn't have to be peaceful, not for me. ) [ For a moment, a landscape stretches out—choked with green, night falling fast. Swallowing it up. The ground underfoot earth, asphalt, ice. ]

( So long as it's final. )

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[byodo]

[ Tenma is fresh out of the wrapper new, his mind a mess of peaks and troughs of emotions with bewilderment reigning high. His stance toward this directive is clear, he doesn't yet know how to hide it, that is, he's opposed, but first he wants to understand. There's a palpable admonition to himself, a deliberate step back, a reminder that he is an outsider still and what he sees may be a misleading telling of events. ]

( Why this fatalism? )

[ryohji]

( Surely I don't owe you an explanation. )

[ the implication is clearer than kaji is known for or often bothers with: he's not a bug on a tray for dissection under the scrape of tenma's questions. some nerve, or courage, from a new host that he'd ask in the first place. ]

( Call it whatever you like. It's not a noble thing, to be kept alive for life's sake. )

[byodo]

[ The difference between nerve and courage is a matter of nobility, as such: ]

( I can't say what's more noble: fighting to survive or knowing when to die. )

[ Those who choose either have their reasons. Wanting to see a child grow up, wanting to set their loved ones free of the burden of their suffering. How people make gambits at nobility when the end nears. It is so difficult still to contain the bitter taste of preemptive guilt from bleeding through the link, and he doesn't even know it. ]

( I'm trying to find out for myself. Is this life so bad that you'd rather not wake up again? )

[perroquet]

[ The unpleasant surprise coming from Gildor's end of the link is mostly reserved for Kaji. While this isn't expected from Rust either, it's less of a shock after their last exchange - though he hadn't thought the detective would want to throw in the towel before closing the case on Keya. His reaction is a mix of sympathy, exasperation, and hopelessness conveyed over the deep echoes of a cello. ]

( Preemptively giving up, are we? )

[ryohji]

[ sure, he'll take the heat - the exasperation and hopeless, that is; gildor can save the sympathy for rust. he's not wrong. it's the pitying that is woefully mislaid. ]

( Better to give up with dignity than lose without it. )

[redheadcarrier]

( You're gonna do it to me again. Aren't you? )

[ She just "sounds" resigned to it. It's what happens, right? People come into your life, reassure you that they'll stay, and then they leave again.

Same song and dance. Over and over again.

She's also being selfish. It's not about her. It's not that either of them (Kaji) especially want to hurt her. But her universe is focused on her. ]

[ryohji]

[ she'll understand. he'll have easier access to forgiveness when all is said and done with and her wounds finally close - for now the the nasty thing that is asuka's disappointment rattles the bars on its cage separating her mind from his. ]

( From what I understand, no one chooses to fall asleep. It's out of my hands. This is a matter of self-respect, Asuka. )

[redheadcarrier]

[ She'll understand. A part of her already does. She's already mourned him once and she'll do it again, if it comes to that. Mostly because she won't have any other choice. ]

( Isn't that just giving up? )

[ Grasping at straws. Had her own time asleep in that hospital bed been any different from the oblivion of death? ]

[ryohji]

( Giving up is letting other things control how you live, when you live. The symbiote... )

[ she knows how it is. she knows what it's like, beholden to an imperceptible thing, a soul or the symbiote, something she can never hope to touch even as its power designs to consume and control everything of hers. ]

( This way, someone can make their own choice, even if it's the last. )

[redheadcarrier]

( Choosing to die doesn't feel like a choice. )

[ Unspoken is the terror of the unknown. The fear of oblivion and the subsumption of the self to something she does not understand. ]

( I hope- )

[ That he doesn't have to make it (even if it's already made). That it never has to happen. And if does, will she actually fight for him? Will she follow his wishes?

Should she try? ]

) -that you don't go anywhere anytime soon. )

[iuno]

[ neither of them are parts of the Nest that Juno is particularly familiar with. there's no emotional response, just the barest uptick of curiosity at hearing this, and then steady acceptance. it doesn't bother him any, doesn't have any effect on the depths of his despair. ]

( Seems like we'd have to put up a hell of a fight to stop them. )

[ he should be conflicted, maybe. Nureyev was another who fell asleep, and he couldn't bear to think of him spending the rest of eternity on Station life-support — he isn't a lady prone to idealism or hope, it's just not possible for him to think that. it can't happen to Nureyev, so Nureyev will wake up. but for Juno, the Nest has been the end of the line since the second he took the deal, and he understands this request so easily that it doesn't even make a ripple. he's tired of waiting to die too. ]