station72 | mental link

I'll have to show you what I've learned. [It isn't much, but she's beginning to piece together everything better. Bellamy's arrival helped spurred on some of the knowledge she has, especially in contrast to what she knew before. Contextualizing this world with her own has helped, even if she is still facing some difficulty on a narrower level.]

Petre worried that you might not return. [The sense is that she did what she could to help, but doesn't speak it.

Still, it's better that she knows.]

I'll look forward to it.

[ At the word of Petre though, her eyes turned down and there's something soft there - that maybe there shouldn't be given who and what Petre is. He's a demon. But for better or worse, he was part of her now. With so few of them left to... ]

Yeah, he gave me a big hug, when I came back. I hope he wasn't too much trouble.

[ -- okay he probably was, but here's for hoping he stayed a little bit in line. ]

He proved not to be. [It's a statement with a little hint of surprise, but truthfully, Lexa finds him to be harmless. Yes, he does rash, illogical things that are unnecessary, and those things prove that he has poor judgment, but they could be worse.]

For me, at least. I don't recall him burning any trees while you were gone. [Which, yes, she knows about that one.]

[ She laughs, soft and high, her head tilting up with it - shouldn't laugh, it's caused her problems as is, devoted to keeping whatever peace and this is all tricky to navigate but really: ]

It's not really the trees I am worried about.

Neither am I. [There's a pause, where she comes to sit on the arm of the couch.]

There is another matter aside from Petre. I spoke to Rhys about your father. [Lexa is aware of the heaviness in the shift in tone, and she does what she can to make it clear to Angel what she knows: that Jack was a dictator, that he used Rhys and controlled him, and seemed to want to take over him.

She also lets Angel know that Rhys believes Lexa to be similar to him, even if she is defiantly not a dictator in any sense of the word.]

Oh. Uhm.

[ and if there is a way, she immediately busies herself, turning her head back to do -- something really, anything at all rather than look at her. Deep breath, calm - her father isn't what she wants to talk about - probably ever again. But especially not just after waking up. ]

Did you? Was he able to help you understand about having an AI in your head?

[The busying is not unsurprising, but she certainly isn't going to press to speak of the man. The share of information is meant to bridge that gap, to take care of the necessity.

She gives a swift shake of her head.]

No. Our experiences are different. My people aren't forceful, controlling, or domineering once we become a part of the Flame. We can't take over after death. Though he seemed quite keen to insist otherwise. [It should be a sign of trauma that she takes to heart, and if she were anyone else, she would.

But Lexa (like many of her people would) took offense at the suggestion that the Flame was just a means to be like ... well, be like a man like Handsome Jack.]

But it did lead me to believe we have to be certain to prevent AIs like that.

[ It doesn't quite mesh with her idea of what an AI is, then, just a copy, not a person - an imprint without agency isn't life. ]

Don't... blame him for that. Jack was made out of a similar process, he was an imprint... given agency, so far as I understood what Rhys told me and what I saw of the prototype. It's hard to trust anything after him that might be similar, he does that to a person. I'm not surprised he had that reaction to you.

[ Her mouth turns, flat, ugly, there's a viciousness in her words, she isn't inclined to be that way about anyone, that much is proven. It's gone past a child's rage, she's not the screaming, flippant sort. What she hates and how she hates is cold, cold, cold. ] Because when Rhys said he had him in his head... I almost wanted to rip his eye just to make sure it hadn't come with him. I'm sorry you couldn't... talk beyond that though. I had hoped you might have been able to learn something from him.

[ Sighs then, so much for that. Somehow, even beyond the grave, this is still all Jack's fault. This is what he did to people after all. ] You can see why it is dangerous, however, in the same way... people can be. They can be capable of terrifying things, no matter the best intentions.

It's difficult to have a conversation with a man who believes you are nothing short of a power hungry and violent dictator. All because you called him irritating once. Your sympathies are misplaced with him, if they exist at all. [It sounds as if they might be, especially if she thinks it was a good idea to send Lexa to him for assistance. She came out of the experience threatening his life and belittling him—and learning exactly how to strike and how to strike, should it prove necessary again.]

We all experience hardship. You even more so than him. [From what she's grasped of Angel's words.] Yet you are not petulant, disrespectful, and willing to cast aspersions to anyone who even mildly dislikes you. If we were in my world, in my throne room, Rhys would be dead for the way he shared information with me. It is not people that are the problem. It's how some people choose to make themselves feel better for their failings.

[Lexa knows her words are harsh, but the experience with Rhys had been a poor one. Having her ways viewed as harsh is one thing, but a man who is literally inside of her head seeing her as ... as, well, the closest parallel is a distinct likeness to the people who enslaved her people, is like hitting a big, giant sensitive red button for Lexa.]

[ She sets the cup down heavily, her head turning away a second as Lexa talk - the struggle there, to be polite, to be kind - as Lexa talked of something far removed from what knew, from what she suspected Rhys went through. Her own cruelty, the urge to just laugh. Like the vault hunters would, as they picked their kill out from between their teeth.

Because she knows so many things, about Pandora. She knows it's valleys and its mountains. Its lava spewing volcanos and its windswept plains. Its scar of a eridium mine that pissed out purple chemical like children bled after taking a buzzsaw to the stomach. It is beautiful to her, it is a home, so far she home in the form of corrupted, cruel, distorted, and she knows - knows that sweet as Rhys might be to her, that to survive he would have paid the price same as everyone else. It bathed its people in fire and if you were found wanting there would be nothing left of you. Rhys would have gone through that to do half of what he said, to survive Jack no less. It would have broken him like it broke everyone else, over enough time.

She can't dislike him, and she won't accept being told to do so, either. ]

Pandora isn't just a hardship, Lexa, Jack isn't just someone you wished you hadn't talked to once. It's not just something you wake up from and brush off. I'm like this because I was made this way. So is Rhys. He might just be the only person that knows what I went through. He's definitely the only person that knows what Pandora is like and what it does to a person. Because assuming those things about others isn't just a bad habit you pick up, its what everyone does with power, every single chance they get.

[ she shrugs. ] Assuming that they'll hurt you is how you make it down the street.

[There are many things that Lexa can say, defensive remarks that would explain why she dislikes Rhys so much after that conversation. But none of them come to her tongue. None of them make it on the way out of her mouth. She simply stares at Angel heavily, eyes focused and mind clearing. It's a way of removing herself from that urge, along with the emotions involved. The line of her mouth goes straight, and before she speaks her eyes almost look unfocused for a moment (to further remove herself from any emotions).]

I do not need to be lectured about the harsh ways of your world. [She delivers these words with a sense of finality: like she is closing a book, ensuring that she doesn't need to reopen it again. Lexa shares little about her world, and while she has ideas about how to fix Pandora, she knows that her people only work in the carefully constructed ecosystem because of her rule. Otherwise, they would have been picked off by each other or the Mountain Men much sooner.

In fact, it's likely they were kept alive as long as they were because the Mountain Men needed the blood in their bodies.

Lexa considers saying more, but sometimes it's better to say less and give away nothing.]

Edited (clarifying the eye thing) 2016-07-09 05:04 (UTC)

[ It's hard, harder than it should be to just stand there saying her own words without back-pedalling into something placating. Diverting that heaviness away from herself but - no, she won't. She won't be scared, not every again. So she swallows, lifts her chin up and continues. Meets her gaze levelly and flat.

Lexa might be done, might say it all with finality, but she isn't done. Not content to let her cut it off there. ]

I'm not lecturing. I'm asking you to understand what it is that we come from. [ The breath is thready, nervous but she continues on, hard to bare these bits of her. Because they are - bones that are crunched under a skags jaw. A mix of spittle and blood as they splash across screens. ] The first day I looked at Pandora, I saw a mother eat her own baby, alive. I listened to it scream, for nearly an hour. He will have seen things just as bad.

[ Another in, out, she'll get choked now, any second now, the collar will tighten and she'll scream and - ] He's just as much made to be that way, as you are. He's learned to be that afraid, to jump to those conclusions. Someone did that to him. Just like they did it to me. Just keep that in mind when you're talking to Rhys next time, okay?

[There is a flicker of surprise, an uptick of emotion, but it's not something that shows on Lexa's face. It's in the emotional link that's between all Hosts, and it's present there. But it fades quickly, like water disappearing down a drain. There is no reason supplied for the surprise, but anyone watching the conversation in comparison to the past ones between the two women would be able to figure it out: Lexa hadn't expected an additional push from Angel.

It's not a bad thing.

But it's still surprising.

The story she tells of Pandora reminds her of some of the descriptions that Lexa has heard before from Rhys' mouth, and she doesn't flinch. While her people haven't taken to cannibalism, she still feels strongly that their situations are comparable.

Somehow, there is more than that, but Lexa is too stubborn to pull down the mask she bears right now. As she looks at Angel, watching her carefully, she is not Lexa but Heda, the unwavering Commander of her people. Admitting that she is not quick to trust is like extending an olive branch, and it feels as if it is too much to offer. Even if this is a moment where she could share her experiences with Angel, she doesn't. Yes, Angel has seen the throne room of her mind, has seen Clarke and Costia's faces, and knows about the Flame. She has Lexa's protection as it's given freely, which is a rarity, but even then, it's all pieces of information given in shreds.

Offering more would diminish carefully built walls. She's done well despite the symbiote and despite the Host in her body to keep others from viewing her weaknesses. The world that created her is a weakness, too.

It is also a strength.]

Do you trust him?

[It feels important to ask and to continue to challenge Angel. She knows it is not acknowledgement of Angel's words, but when Lexa is being stubborn, she likes to ignore most of what someone else says.

Unfortunately, it's likely Angel's first time really seeing her this way.]

[ Stubbornly, she meets it - flat, pulled expression out of the normal of her. A curl of her fingers at her side, the prickle of her abilities that are all hive mind reaction. Fight or flight. A vulnerability that sits in the hollow of her neck that if she should get to proud would leave it open to being sliced and she is keenly aware of it. Not her pleasant drifting, but in this she is solid. Direct look on her face, she has stared down too many of Jack's rages to cower from it now. Too aware of what she is, what she's done.

More than that just her own attempt to finally move past it. ecause she trusts Lexa in this, to be listened too. To have her answer considered if she says it plainly, rather than . She is doing her best to lie less these days, and if she was pleasant, she was blunt too. Wasn't going to bottle that anymore.

Still, the question isn't any easy one for all it's short. Trust isn't something she's easy with - betrayed too many people to be in a position to just going and giving it out to other people. Then there's Pandora. Being stabbed in the back was beyond just an unhappy circumstance, gone past it. At the end of the day, someone was going to get left to the skags, that was how it was. Jack would call it weakness. Jack would say never trust anyone if he could help it. Hold all the cards, that's how you do it.

Jack could rot in fucking hell. ]

Yes. In my own way, and as part of the hive, it might take years for me to adjust to the fact he had - the man responsible for my... servitude - in his head, for much the same reason he found it difficult with you - [ presses it heavy there, probably too much but the point still stands, and she would be a hypocrite to not understand his position. ] - but he deserves a chance just the same. So yes, yes I do.

[A chance. Lexa has been giving him chances. It's Rhys who has pushed her to this point, who has driven her agitation to the limit of wanting him dead. If he were one of her people (and technically: he is), he would be made to answer for his crime. And in a way, he also has been, forced to feel her blade against his throat and to deal with her reaching into his mind and delivering his insecurities back to him.

He is a weak man.]

Then I ask that when you give him your chance, you consider that he is so weak, so uncertain, that he cannot take any blemish. You think he has undergone pain because of your father, but you fail to see my side of things. I called him irritating, and he categorized me as being like Jack soon enough, like he had been seeking an excuse. Looking out for yourself is one thing, Angel. Those of us who have experience surviving have done that and will continue to do that. It is what is necessary. But he has a mind that will take your choice and use it against you the moment he perceives a slight.

[Yes, Lexa has considered her words, but the more she thinks about it, the more she fears Angel's willingness to give him so easily. There is something about Rhys' natural demeanor that just doesn't sit well with her.]

As for the chance you speak of, I've offered it to him. I've learned of his world. I knew Jack's name before I ever knew he had a connection to you. I attempted to bridge the gap between us.

In turn, he has offered nothing but disrespect. How many chances do you offer one man before you accept his true nature?

[ The frown knitted tight on her forehead. A moment, just considering her, before she shakes her head - this is too different. She has in her short life, watched a great deal many people. Not all of them good, or right, well - not even most of them. But she wasn't interested in playing holier than thou, just what she knew, and she did, she did take Rhys for what he was. Awkward, scared, defensive. ]

I do accept people, they are as they behave, and it's better to let them just do that so you know what they'll do when it matters. [ she is passive, but she is not unobservant. ] I accept him for what he is. I just never expect anything more than what they are. Everyone can be a threat. Everyone can be a coward or even just plain old annoying. That's just... people in my experience.

But apart from that? I don't know what you want me to say?

[ A shrug, impassive, she always is. Her judgement is not that kind - everyone, to her, has use. Sometimes that is a goodness in wanting to see the best in others. Other times, it's long games of chess, moving pieces across the board, making sure the right people were in the right place. That had been her job. That was her instinct. If Rhys was a petty coward, well then she wouldn't put him close to anything defence, but nor did that mean he was useless, either. ]

[A hint of dissatisfaction wells up inside of her and takes hold. If she cannot pry Angel's trust for Rhys from her hands, what will she do? Lexa realizes that her concerns here are two-fold: she both wants to destroy that trust and wants to protect Angel at the same time. It's a selfish, dangerous approach to matters. Lexa does not ask for mediators. She doesn't ask for worshipful words. Yes, he has hit her pride in a way that offends her sensibilities, but the greater question is how it is a problem that will be dealt with elsewhere.

She still lacks her answer.

And in that, she doesn't know what she expected Angel to say. To concede? To a degree, she has, at least in terms of what might become an argument. She has avoided it, making it impossible for Lexa to return to that point without looking utterly foolish in the process.]

Nothing. I ask for nothing.

[To a degree, she also has to concede. Lexa can see how that benefits her more than not.

But also:]

Except for this: I ask that you understand that I will not bring harm to you the same way that your father has. I am neither kind nor caring in the most traditional of senses, and I am more prone to cruelty than you've realized. But I do not use the people I've chosen to watch over as tools. [Her words come with a sense of calculation. Her words deliver a promise, but she is also capable of betrayal, of shedding life if she views it as necessary. That won't ever change.

It's just that she's chosen to make an exception for Angel.]

mental link - :018

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