In The End

[serenae]

CHARACTERS: Carata and others
WHERE: Concordia - Bearings and Elsewhere
WHEN: Day :015 and onward
SUMMARY: For all your calm, chill, cheerfully nihilistic needs.
WARNINGS: Will update as necessary.



(OOC: This will serve as a catchall for anyone who needs Carata for anything! Feel free to throw up a starter or send me a message with a request for one.))

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[serenae]

[How? How could she not? She pulls her lower lip between her teeth, thoughtful. She wanted to give it the full weight of gravity that some thought it deserved.]

I was raised to understand our place in the world, the universe, is never guaranteed. All things change. To focus on loss, to let it drag us down, is to deny ourselves any chance of happiness. We should seek contentment in the present rather than longing for the past.

[She a smile quirks across her face, slightly crooked.]

It was not always easy. But I think it has served me well.

[deployed]

[ Impossible.

Bellamy doesn't mean to project, but the word swims up, sticks and vibrates between them. Let go of the past? Let go of Octavia? Of Clarke? Of his people? It would be easier to sever an arm. ]

Didn't you have family? How can you just forget about them?

[ What was she, before she was here? ]

I can't be content without them.

[ Though some small part of him wonders, could he? ]

[serenae]

[And she doesn't attempt not to hear. They were having a conversation, and for her that had included things more and less than words for quite some time.]

You are not unique in that thought, nor are you unique in loss.

[Many countless people, people he could not even imagine had felt that way. Among the other Hosts here, he would find that sentiment repeated. But it was possible. They had not been designed to simply stop, because of change, because of loss.]

Yes, I did. And I haven't forgotten. But my time with them is now nothing but memories. Pleasant ones. I was a different person then, than I am now, and doubtlessly they are, as well. As I loved them, I want them to be content, as they would want for me.

[Her eyes remain fixed on him, a singular focus, without judgement-]

Could you stand for them to be happy without you?

[What is in your heart Bellamy? Can you face it?]

[deployed]

[ Who is he without them?

What Carata is presenting is so beyond alien to Bellamy. He doesn't know how to do what she's asking, what feels similar to cutting ties with everything he's ever held dear. Consigning them to memories without any hope of revisiting? Bellamy takes that like a knife to the chest, flinching from it. ]

I don't even know if they're going to survive.

[ It's difficult to be at peace in the face of such uncertainty. Or so Bellamy will try to pretend. It would never be easy, separating himself from his people. But happy isn't even a part of the equation yet. Bellamy can't tell whether or not they're going to be slaughtered at the hands of an AI. ]

[serenae]

You wouldn't have known that even if you were there. Such is life. It is a great mistake to believe yourself singularly capable of ensuring another's survival.

[It is a great mistake to believe anyone capable of that. Some things you could stop, others you were powerless to, and in the end you could not know which was which. Better to understand that from the beginning and accept that fact. Better to know the fragility of all things.]

[deployed]

[ How long would it take him to accept things the way she does? Bellamy understands the wisdom of the words, but they feel too far removed from him. It's talking about his life in what feels like an abstract. ]

How can you talk about it like that?

[ Where does she get this level of serenity? It's a calm that Bellamy can't emulate. ]

I need to know if my sister survives.

[ And Clarke. Murphy. Miller and Bryan. Kane. Bellamy's mind stalls at the thought of Pike, but there's attachment there too. He tells himself it's enough that they survive, whether or not he ever sees them again, but truthfully, even that bit of information won't be enough. ]

[serenae]

No, you don't.

[Blunt. Her kindness was boundless but for her, the facts were not cruelty. They simply were. And in this case-]

You need breath. Food. Water. You want to know if she's alive, but you can't. The same as all Hosts.

[He props her chin against her wrist, tips her head. The same as many people who were not hosts. The same as countless, across planets and universes, and endless expanse.]

You know when you left she was, and that if you stayed she wouldn't be. So leave it as it is. Otherwise you're just torturing yourself for no reason. Over something you can't change.

[deployed]

You make it sound so simple.

[ Though she's right; the complications Bellamy's outlining are self-inflicted, but even knowing that isn't enough to dissuade him from clinging to them. It's in the blood. Bellamy feels everything too deeply, and this loss is no exception.

It is a loss. It's a loss as sure as if he'd died, or if they'd died, or if ALIE had consumed them all. ]

I can't be like you, [ true in more ways than just the immediate reference to her peaceable nature, the seeming acceptance of her severance from wherever she had once come from. ] I don't think it's possible.

[ And he doesn't want it. He doesn't want the Hive to consume him, to be a Host in whatever sense that word means. But he'll skirt around that truth for the moment. ]

[serenae]

[He said that word a lot, didn't he? Can't. Certainly it would be harder if he kept insisting it was impossible.

Still, she could only speak the truth as she knew it.]

Maybe not. But you can't go back, so you will have to figure out how to handle that, in your own way.

[deployed]

[ He wants to ask how. But he recognizes that Carata's not going to have an answer for him. Bellamy looks away from her, arms crossing. ]

Yeah.

[ It feels like defeat. ]

I appreciate the explanation.

[ He's trying hard to keep his tone level, not to explode with anger at Carata. It's not her fault. After everything he's done, the mistakes he's made, Bellamy's trying to be careful in how he assigns blame. He steps backward, angling towards escape. ]

Thanks.

[serenae]

[The young hosts were full of unspoken words. It would be easier if they were simply more open to being open. They were so fortunate to be where they were. To be together. They should appreciate it while they had the chance. She may not have been jealous but she was certainly glad for this time.]

Of course. Do tell me if you need anything else.

[deployed]

[ Being open left room for so much to leak out. All the things Bellamy was ashamed of, all the monstrous and blood-soaked parts of him that he kept hidden, they were never meant to be shared. He studies Carata's face, forcing himself to make eye contact, then inclines his head. ]

Alright.

[ Unlikely, perhaps, but the offer is still appreciated. ]

Thank you.

[ At which point he hightails it out of the room, because who really needs an awkward goodbye? ]