mental link; whichever day is today

[shiro2hero]

[The mental voice is... hesitant. Like he's trying his best to modulate his tone, and not sure if he's speaking too loudly or too softly.]

(This has probably been a long time coming... but I have to admit. I'm not good with people in my head.) [A flicker of regret and flashing images quickly stifled.] (Or at controlling what goes through my mind. Someone here called them flashbacks. Guess that works out.)

(It's a long story.)

[So please don't ask, goes unsaid, but like a lot of things here, it's probably felt.]

(But it's been affecting others here, and for that, I'm sorry. I need to be better at this. So I'm asking for help...)

[So he doesn't accidentally overwhelm the wrong person with the wrong memory. Or panic right in front of someone.]

(And before anyone asks - the answer to 'are you okay' is ... not something I want to talk about right now. Sorry.)

[Wait, wait, crap. How does he close this. There's a flustered feeling before just... the mental image of a closed comm connection. He figures that's as good as anything.]

[For anyone who wants to talk in person, he's hauled himself back up onto the roof, bundled up into an oversized hoodie. Black, of course. Hands shoved into his pockets. Probably being all brooding-looking while inside, he's just wondering what it's like to pilot one of the vehicles he sees zooming around.]

Comments

[greentech]

( Yeah, at what cost? It's bad enough that we all have some sort of parasite stuck in our heads, but you actually want to let someone else go in there? What if he messes up? What if he changes something that makes you you? )

[shiro2hero]

(And what if it means I can go back to who I was before Kerberos?)

[There's no real fight in the question. No real argument there. He just sounds tired.]

[And... with anyone else, he probably wouldn't have been able to voice that nagging question so easily.]

[greentech]

[ Pidge's end of the link is very, very quiet for a minute or two. Maybe she's sulking. Maybe she's thinking. Maybe she's not sure what to say.

Then she's back. ]

( Do you really want that? )

[shiro2hero]

(I...)

[There's uncertainty. A pause. Flickers of moments half-remembered. Before the mission. Before the ship blotted out the sky.]

(I want to be myself.)

[Not this - echoed in the flashes of scars he can't remember getting, hair the wrong color, missing an entire limb he can't ever get back.]

(... maybe I'm being too desperate.)

[greentech]

[ She's 'quiet' again, although her consternation and anxiety are still leaking around her mental block. A little flinch, because she doesn't really know what he's dealt with or how to deal with it or what advice to give. ]

( Forgetting doesn't mean it never happened. Just that you don't remember it. I'd still know. Sort of. And so would everyone else. And so would Matt. )

[ If they ever find him. ]

[shiro2hero]

[Her anxiety coming through, that, and her words... it makes him pause.]

[And so would Matt.]

[This is what he didn't want happening. Didn't want her to see. And god, does he ever try to throttle it down. Try not to remember that few seconds of time -- that moment of terror in a face they both knew -- ]

(I ... don't want lose what I have... I just don't want anyone else to get hurt.)

[Because of me.]

[greentech]

( I know you'd never hurt anyone! You'd never let that happen! You don't have to erase things for that! )

[ She's... very sincere about this and stupidly open and she thinks she should stop before the whole Hive knows what she thinks and how she feels. ]

[shiro2hero]

(Pidge...)

[Her sincerity is -- honestly it's sort of like a freight train. He was going to protest. He was going to say he'd hurt Matt, he'd left Allura and didn't that count as hurting her?]

[But... in the face of that emotion, he can't.]

(No, I don't want to let it happen.)

[greentech]

( I know that. You know that. So... I guess... trust that you won't? )

[ Emotions are hard, OK? ]

[shiro2hero]

(I thought I knew it.)

[And then? Then he'd taken out his panic on a pod and ejected the contents -- a live prisoner -- into space.]

(You really don't think I could... lose control? Even when I don't remember where I am?)

[greentech]

( Well. I don't know for sure. 100% certainty is hard to get with any sort of regularity, but... I trust you not to. And I know that even if you do, you'll fix it. And I trust you not to hurt me. )

[shiro2hero]

(... You don't know what it means to hear you say that right now.)

[Logically, he knows she trusts him like that. But logic doesn't always have a say in emotions. Especially stress. Hearing it out loud -- so to speak -- is more reassuring than he thinks he can actually say.]

[greentech]

( Well, someone needs to make you listen. )

[shiro2hero]

(Then I guess neither of us should be surprised it's you.)