station72 | Day 10ish

[ Of course Sam knows. That's one of the things that's weighing heavily on him, has been since that night on the roof in Concordia when he really realized what he was getting himself into. But then Shiro mentions Seviilia, and Sam can't help but grimace a little. ]

Seviilia feeds off hurting people; I don't think it's a good idea to count on her for restraint. [ Which isn't really fair to her; she'd tried hard to control herself when with him and Shepard and he trusts her enough to want to continue to go to her for training. But Sam’s ability doesn't make him lose himself the way Shiro's does - or at least, it hasn't yet.

There's a moment of uncertainty that echoes Shiro's own as Sam tries to figure out how to say this - if he has a right to say this, or if this is gonna push for an answer he's not ready to hear or just make Shiro more upset. ]

I know you’d put your life on the line for almost any of us if you had to. So would I, it's one of the things I respect about you. But I - are you protecting me because you feel like it's your responsibility to protect us all, or because you care about me?

She offered. And if that's what it takes to bring me down from... that. Then I'll live.

[He didn't know that about her, though. She'd seemed reasonable when he'd spoken with her. Both times -- which was more than he could say for some people here. And he can't turn away potential help. If it doesn't work -- then it doesn't work. He'll try something else.]

[Anything to get it controlled.]

[But he doesn't know how Sam wants him to answer that. It's an easy answer, for him. He knows it immediately. But... is it the right one?]

Both.

[Regardless of whether or not it's right, it's true.] It's both.

[ She'd seemed reasonable to Sam, too, enough that her suggestion had seemed practical. Right up until he'd gotten the feedback of just how much she was enjoying causing them pain.

It's not about how Sam wants him to answer, or whether there's a right answer, it's just about what Shiro's answer is. And that - it's a quiet relief, that it isn't just because of Shiro's sense of responsibility. ]

It's up to you, man, and I'll respect whatever you decide. [ Sam's quiet for a bit, just running his thumb over the back of Shiro's knuckles. It's hard for him to admit that he doesn't do well losing the people he cares about - even at the VA when he talked about loss he often hedged around saying it directly, using shit like I couldn't find a good enough reason to stay over there. It'd be so easy for him to drop it right here, to move on to talking practicalities, but what was the point of asking the question if he's not going to follow through?

In the end, he doesn't actually say it. Instead his mind brushes against Shiro's, feather-soft like the ghost of a kiss to his forehead, an undercurrent of something hollow and empty to his side of the mental link. ]

( I wouldn't be okay without you in my life, Shiro. Will you think about that before you're so willing to put everyone else before yourself? )

It's worth a try. If it doesn't work... then... we know. In case there's a next time.

[Whatever has to happen, he's already accepted it. Already prepared to deal with it. He knows if something did happen... then Pidge has others willing to look out for her. They don't know her like he does, but even so --]

[Wow. It feels like making a will. Who looks after Pidge if something happens to me? Sam big and small? Okay, great. Morbid, isn't it? Back home, there was the whole rest of the team. There was Allura, and Coran. Here there's no one but him and the people she's been linked up to.]

[Here, there's...]

[... he goes still. Partly because of the sense of contact. Partly because of the feeling. Because of the words. And there are, abruptly, faces rushing to the forefront of his memories. Throwing Matt to the ground, pretending to want to murder him, for his own safety -- being pulled away from him, taking his place in the horrors that followed for Matt's safety. Planting himself in front of Allura and fighting with everything in him to get the door sealed before she was harmed. Pulled away from it and thrown to the escape pod because he wouldn't stand down.]

[Because Allura had to get away. Because Matt had to live. Because of course, they were more important than he was.]

[He doesn't have the presence of mind to filter this from Sam. Not as linked up as they are right now. If Sam is hollow, light, like broken bird wings, he's a raw, open wound.]

(I don't... mean to. I just do what feels right.)

(I'm sorry.)

[ That, that right there is why Sam'd had to say something, hard to admit as it was. Shiro's already accepted it, already making contingencies like it's okay. Pidge is like a little sister, and Sam'll look after her with or without Shiro's say so, but that Shiro's even thinking it - that he doesn't even think of what Sam would do if something happened to him - that’s something Sam's gotta do something about.

He's not expecting to get hit with those memories. Familiar faces, ones he's seen in Shiro's head before - the ones that Shiro thought of when Sam and Bellamy had soothed him back to sleep, back on Concordia.

They were more important than he was, and it's not like Sam hadn't already known Shiro thought that way, but it makes him want to fight it anyway. There's a raw openness, sacrifice and loss, and it pulls flickers of Sam's own memories in response.

"Not all of us are getting out of this, Steve." "What's the plan, Sam?" - "I'm grounded, I'm sorry, Cap." - "Gonna need a pick up, Sam," lungs burning and arms and wings straining and desperate to reach because - "It's like I was up there just to watch," Riley's screams on the wind-

And there he pulls himself out of the loop, breathing in to the count of seven and out to the count of eleven. There he knows how to calm himself down, and he won't allow that flashback across the link. Sam knows that other people have been faced with traumas objectively more extreme than watching their best friend die - knows first hand, with some of the things that have been shared with him - but that doesn't matter. This is his, and no one should ever have to understand exactly how terrible it is to have to watch someone hit dead on with something meant to take out armored jets, to see the person you love most exploded into pieces in front of you.

He breathes, pushing himself up until he's standing, and he can pull Shiro closer. ]

I know. I know who you are; I've known since we talked on the roof. I don't want you to change that. I just want you try not to look at everything and say I'm not important, it's okay, I want you to ask is this necessary, is there another option? Because you're important to me, and maybe it's selfish, but I'm gonna ask that of you anyway.

I... don't know if I can do that.

[Not immediately, anyway. Because he knows himself, too. He knows he's going to throw himself into the fray. Throw himself in front of anyone who needs it. Especially his team. Especially the people who matter most.]

[It's not that Sam doesn't enter the equation. He wouldn't purposefully do something like that. But Pidge is his family now. As much as the team had become, stuck out there in space, with no other humans around. She's always going to be the first person on his mind, here, because of that.]

[He doesn't know how to put it into words. This ... feeling of being pulled between them, like he has to decide who matters more. Who he has to think about more. Neither of them are any less important.]

[Just...]

I can't even think of how to answer without making it come out wrong.

[He's not used to thinking of himself. Not for anyone's sake. Especially not his own.]

... maybe I just feel like that's... what I have to do. What I'm supposed to do. [A slow shake of his head, and he's dropping his gaze to the ground. Wanting to touch back, to pull in close, too, but holding himself away from it.] What everyone expects from me.

[I let everyone down. Matt, Commander Holt, Allura... Pidge... They were all counting on me. In one way or another.]

So I don't know if I can do that... [Something cracks in his voice, very slightly. Because he can hear someone else saying how she's happy they're happy and why can't he be normal and be happy with this?]

... and it's not because I don't want to.

Edited 2017-02-17 08:16 (UTC)

[ Sam would say he's used to being people's second priority, but that sounds more self-pitying than he means it. The last person that wasn't true with died for him - he didn't, he died for the mission, logically Sam knows that but emotionally it still slips him up - and if that's what being first priority means, he doesn't want that, either. But it is true. The kind of people that Sam is drawn to are people devoted to the cause, with a sense of duty and responsibility who will always choose to throw themselves into the fight.

Hell, Sam is one of them. He's his own second priority. And around there is where he realizes where his head’s going and pulls back mentally, drawing his shields up tighter so none of his emotions or thoughts can get out over the mental link.

This isn't healthy. Maybe it could be, maybe it started as something healthy and a good mutual support system, but this - they're at different stages. And it's fine, it's fine, it's what Sam’s used to. He wants to be a part of the process of Shiro getting better, of supporting him as he figures out how to move forward and them supporting each other as they try to navigate the Nest, that's not the issue.

The issue is now Sam's dating him. Now it's personal, now he has more of an emotional stake in someone who's flat out telling him that his self-worth is so low that he won't consider it when he's taking risks, that he won't work to keep himself safe.

Now he has to decide if he's willing to let himself be hurt as many times as he knows Shiro is gonna hurt him - not because Shiro wants to, not because it's intentional, just because Shiro doesn't know how not to. If he's willing to let Shiro be hurt as many times as Sam knows he's gonna hurt him, because people expect Sam to be good and kind and stable and he isn't, not always. Now he's asking Shiro selfish things, now he's trying to get Shiro to see another way for Sam, not for Shiro himself.

Does Sam care more about them both if he isn't willing to let them hurt each other, or does he care more if he's willing to work through it anyway?

He doesn't know. But he does know that he wants this, wants Shiro. He accepted that he was gonna have to deal with this part of Shiro a while ago, even if that was before they were looking at a relationship, and he's not willing to let Shiro go. ]

( No one expects that of you, not here. I don't expect that of you. )

I'm not asking you to choose, Shiro, I would never. I'm asking you to try to get better at risk assessment. Things - things are different here, and we need to adapt. People feel it when we're hurt. We can't protect people the same way before, we gotta adjust. I wish you'd do it for yourself, wish you'd see yourself the way I see you and believe that you're worth it like I do, but-

[ He cuts off, shakes his head. But Shiro doesn't know if he can, even if it's not because he doesn't want to, and Sam is selfish. He lets go of Shiro's hand to cup Shiro's jaw, gently tilting his head back up. ]

It's okay that you can't right now. You're okay, Shiro, you're okay the way you are. Even if you feel like it's a little bit broken. I'm a little bit broken, too, and I still think maybe our pieces can fit together.

[Everyone does.]

[He wants to say that. Because he can't just abandon what Allura placed on his shoulders. He can't ignore that responsibility, even if he isn't there. It's why he's here at all, in fact. Because he had to -- he had to make the choice to be here, to save his team. To save his crew, when he couldn't, originally.]

[I lost my first crew to aliens. I'm not going to let that happen again.]

[His sense of duty is always going to be swung toward other people first. His sense of what's right. What should be done. And it's fine. He accepted it. It was difficult, it was a struggle, but he accepted it. He dealt with it.]

[And now here's someone telling him he doesn't have to. That he doesn't always have to function like he's expected to give everything of himself in order to live up to this mantle he's supposed to wear? These titles he's supposed to carry.]

I didn't go into any of this... wanting this. [He lets a few little memories slip along with the words. To clarify he's talking about the role he's playing, holding. He doesn't mean Sam. God, he doesn't mean Sam. That's starting to be the opposite.] I was there.

... a lot of times I wonder if I'm the right guy for the job.

[His way of trying to tell Sam he didn't always think like this. He'd always looked out for other people, but this? This selflessness didn't happen overnight. And he can't even be totally sure how and why it happened.]

[It's a roundabout way of admitting there's probably a way back. Probably a way to wrap his head around the idea of his own damn worth. That people need him intact more than they do a martyr. But that idea is blocked -- because he can't stop seeing Allura's face in his mind. And thinking, beyond a doubt, that it never should have been that way.]

[If he's worth so much, why should she throw her life away for him? Shouldn't he have been able to save them?]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't just... say yes... [And his face is lifted before he can stop it. Or protest. Lines of exhaustion under his eyes again.]

But I don't know if I can take it, if someone else is hurt for my sake.

[ He gets what Shiro's trying to say. He does, and something in him settles a little as he gets a better handle on what they've got. This responsibility was given to Shiro and he'd done what he needed to in order to make it work, to try to live up to what he needed to be.

No wonder he constantly feels like he isn't adequate; no one would be able to shoulder that kind of burden alone. Not without doing exactly what Shiro's done - give up everything for his cause and still feel like he isn't enough.

He leans in to kiss Shiro, just the lightest hint of pressure against his lips as Sam's mind opens back up to him. You will always be enough for me, just the way you are. ]

I'm not sorry. If you just said yes now, it wouldn't be real. This isn't the kind of thing you change overnight, I know that. I just want you to think about it, and to be willing to work with me to find a balance. To go back to a balance.

[ He kisses him again, a little firmer this time, because he can - and he almost stops there, almost settles into kissing him more, because he's gotten out what he wants to say. But the woman he sees in Shiro's mind, Shiro's feelings around it, that pulls at Sam. He can't let it go. ]

That choice was hers to make, you know. If you care about her, if you respect her judgment, respect that she knew what she was doing. Don't take that choice away from her, honor it. Live.

[He wonders, distantly, if kissing someone is ever going to stop feeling like someone punching him in the chest. In a good way. If that's even possible. Also, distantly, he doesn't want it to. Even as light as this is, it's enough to let his eyes flutter shut for a minute.]

[Focusing on it. Nothing else. Just for a minute.]

I... can say I'll try. I can't say it's going to be quick. I can't say I'm not going to make mistakes. But I...

[It's when he seems to lose that train of thought that there's another kiss. With more words echoing in his head about living without you and he wants to make this right, but it's not going to be overnight, and Sam almost deserves it to be so quick.]

[Don't take that choice away from her.]

[But she never should have had to make it.]

[He feels his head lower, until it's almost resting against Sam's shoulder.] I didn't ask her to ... she... [Whatever else he was thinking of saying, he stops it. Puts it aside. He shouldn't be getting sidetracked about what happened right now. He should be planning to get himself more under control.]

Right.

[ Sam's slowly realizing that one of the quickest ways to get Shiro knocked off balanced, to get him out of his head and just focusing on the moment, is kissing him. On top of the fact that kissing him feels so damn good, every time, and he's pretty sure he's never gonna get tired of this - it's something that Sam'll remember. ]

I know. I don't expect you to be perfect, sweetheart, we're both gonna make mistakes. But we can work through them together.

[ Whatever Sam deserves, he doesn't want quick. He wants Shiro.

His hand moves to cup the back of Shiro's head as he gently encourages Shiro to just go ahead and use his shoulder to rest his head on. And then he goes a step further and hauls Shiro closer against him as he shifts back down to sit on the bench, pulling Shiro with him into his lap. One arm curls around Shiro's back and he keeps the other at Shiro's head, scratching through his hair and holding him close. ]

I'd like to know, if you're okay with talking about it.

[ The plan can wait. An hour or two to talk about this won't make a difference, they can return later. ]

[Hey, if it works, it works. But they also can't just keep doing this. There's got to be other ways. Otherwise, they're going to end up swept off each others' feet constantly. And that won't work. That's not healthy.]

[Right?]

You really weren't kidding about that nickname, were you?

[It's not totally a deflection. Because there's a flicker of appreciation in his mind, in answer to that. He just had to make a stupid comment. It's in his blood.]

[But of course, he resists a little. Just because part of him feels like this is something he shouldn't need. That he should be better than this, and over this, and then there are fingers in his hair and it's gone with a heavy sigh. It's amazing, how much that gets him.]

[He's not sure, though. Would talking about it really help? Allura isn't here. He might not ever see her again -- even if Pidge said she was safe now. He has to trust his teammate's word.]

... Maybe eventually.

[ It works, and Sam is definitely going to keep that in mind. He's pretty sure they can keep doing this, though. That maybe both of them could use a little sweeping off their feet, and there's nothing wrong with getting swept up in each other a lot. Especially not with how new this is for both of them.

There can't be anything wrong with the two of them being there to support each other, to calm each other down and boost each other up. Even if they do it by kissing a lot.

He chuckles at Shiro's question, letting it pass without comment only because he can pickup on that flicker of appreciation. And because he's fond of those stupid comments - they have the same sense of humor. ]

Okay.

[ He says it simply, no questions asked. If Shiro doesn't want to talk about it now, they won't talk about it. Instead he shifts back a little so he can lean his back against the wall, holding Shiro close and combing fingers through his hair. For a little bit, he just sits like that, breathing in and out and focusing on nothing but calm - and the obvious affection he has for Shiro. ]

I'm gonna push, you know, it's kinda what I do. But if you're not ready to talk about something, all you gotta do is tell me and I'll back off.

[Finally, someone appreciates his stupid sense of humor. It just took brain sharing and a lot of kissing. And shared trauma. And a whole host of other things he doesn't really have a name for right now.]

[But, like before, he sort of figures there'll be more time, later, for these things. When he's not trying to hold down some overly protective, rage monster in his own head, while at the same time, training himself to use it.]

[Control is the important thing here.]

Yeah, I figured. Now... now just isn't the time.

[Because of the mentioned need for control. Because he has to plan this. Even if there's a large part of him that just wants to stay here for a while. Absorb this.]

[Curl fingers into that shirt and stay here.]

I've got to stay focused on one problem at a time, for now.

[ Oh, only all of that, huh? Hopefully it's worth it. It's worth it to Sam, but that's beside the point.

There's a part of him that's hesitant about how much they keep putting aside for later, that knows that sometimes later never comes - where the things he learned working at the VA about patience and working through things in your own time are at odds with the things he learned in war and as an Avenger, that sometimes now is all you've got.

But one problem at a time, Shiro's right about that. ]

Yeah, I get that. Fair enough, man.

[ But he doesn't move. He just keeps holding Shiro, one arm around his back and the other hand in his hair, just letting himself be content. Like this - like this there's no struggle of now or later. If now is all they have, then this is how Sam wants to spend it, and if they've got plenty of time to work through things, then they've got time for this.

Sam's got time to press a kiss to Shiro's temple, to nuzzle into his hair and let his connection with Shiro wash over him. ]

( Have I told you today how really damn happy I am when we get to be like this? )

[No, there's never enough time. He should know that well enough by now. But here, it feels more like there is. It feels like they're on pause, here. Especially up in the Station like this. There isn't the frantic feeling of a mission, or the constant need to be ready like in the Castle.]

[Maybe he's gotten too complacent.]

[And that's probably not good. But at the moment, it feels like a break he's needed for over a year now.]

Maybe when we get this figured out.

[Just like he'd said before. After the mission. When one problem was done, it was time to pick up another. To keep moving. Keep working. Until you had nothing left. Just like he was used to doing -- even unconsciously.]

[It does, honestly, feel a little odd to have someone hold him. Maybe if they weren't on a bench it wouldn't be. Or if they were drunk again. But, really, the likelihood is high he's just not used to this feeling. It's not bad. Just odd.]

[... really, really not bad, if that contact against his hair is any judge.]

(No, we uh. We were talking about training. Before.)

[ Whatever Sam's own struggles with taking his time and not wanting to put things off for too long - the fact that Shiro feels like he's on pause here is good.

God but Shiro needs a break, and if Sam's even a little part of giving that to him, of making him feel like he can take a moment to breathe, then he's more than happy.

He lets out a little huff at that, a fond smile tugging at his lips even as there's a hint of exasperation. It drifts across their mental link - that's what you said before - but there's no bite to it, no recrimination. Acceptance for what it is, and the underlying knowledge that Sam's still gonna push him to look at things differently. To slow down and enjoy moments like this, to stop working constantly, though Sam doesn't say anything about it.

Sam hums softly, eyes slipping shut as he strokes through Shiro's hair, letting the pleasure and comfort he gets just from being able to hold Shiro close like this flow over their connection. ]

I'm really happy when we get to be like this.

[He'll never agree to that. Or at least, he won't for a while yet. He doesn't need to take a break, there's too much to be done. Too many people relying on him. That kind of thing.]

[Now... more than ever. Because now, they're all linked more deeply than ever, aren't they?]

[He glances away at that exasperation. Even if it's nothing severe. There's a flicker of guilt, regardless. He would love to just take the time to drift in this. Let it sink in. Let himself accept it. But, part of him still feels like he shouldn't.]

[Even if there's no way to hide the feeling of enjoyment from the contact.]

Yeah, I can tell.

[ That's another thing they'll work on, slowly but surely. It's something Sam's used to - a hell of a lot of the people in his life are exactly like that, and it's something Sam himself struggles with.

But all of them being linked more deeply than ever - well, there's no doubt about that. Far as Sam's concerned, it just means down time and taking a break is more important. If one of them burns out or runs themselves into the ground, everyone else is gonna feel it.

That ain't important right now, though. Right now, Sam's actually gotten Shiro to take something like a break, to just sit like this, even for a few moments. It's enough, especially when he can feel Shiro's enjoyment echoing his own.

His fingers keep running through Shiro's hair, breathing him in. I like making you happy. ]

[There's a part of him that would love to just drown in this. Just get swept away and continue along on this break. Continue pretending they had the time to spare. That there wasn't something hanging over their heads. But the rest of him is yelling at him already for being selfish enough to indulge this much.]

[For being able to ignore the mission, this long. Even if it's only for a few minutes.]

[He can feel himself pull back. Reluctant, resigned. His face is still halfway flushed, and there's still a dazed look in his eye. He's not pulled far enough to removed the hands from his hair, yet. But...]

I know. I... like the same. With you. But... we've got to focus, don't we?

[ They've got time to spare. Honestly, Sam thinks they could've had a little more time, but all right. He got at least a few minutes of down time, to just get to hold Shiro, he'll take it for now.

He still makes a disgruntled noise when Shiro starts pulling back, somehow managing to resist the urge to steal a last kiss from him.

Shiro has a point, though, and Sam tugs at Shiro's hair one more time before he pulls his hands away. ]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Coping skills first, we'll come up with a plan of which ones work best to ground you, and I'll... talk to Pidge about what our roles're gonna be later.

Mission first.

[He says it almost apologetically. Because part of him really would like nothing better than to stay like this for a lot longer. But that's an irresponsible part. A part he shouldn't be listening to.]

[He has to get this right. For everyone's sake. Now there's so much more riding on his shoulders.]

[The tug makes him duck his head briefly, cheeks coloring.]

I can talk to her, if that'd be easier for you.

[ For a moment, Sam goes very, very still. Mission first, and that stirs an echo of something dark and cold. Until he tangles his fingers a little tighter in Shiro's hair to ground him here, pulls away from his connection with Bucky, and settles back down into himself. ]

If you always put the mission first, one day there's not gonna be anything else.

[ This isn't about a mission for Sam. This is about Shiro needing to be able to ground himself, to calm himself down when he's triggered - this is about him wanting to help. Even if Shiro's only doing it to keep everyone else safe.

He smiles a little at that, shaking his head. ]

Nah. I mean, unless you wanna tell her that I think it'll be safest for her to be in another room when all this goes down.

... what's wrong?

[You know what happens when you're this close, and this connected? You can feel that. Even if it's nothing more than an echo. He's tilting his head to look at him better -- look at him more in the eye.]

[What's wrong? How can I help?]

She's not going to like that. From either one of us.

[He doesn't really need to tell Sam about Pidge's temper. They're in the same... brood after all. But he figures he should warn him, regardless?]

It's... mental connection stuff. I just know what it looks like when you don't have anything left but the mission, and how hard it is to come back from that.

[ He lets out a shaky exhale, curling his fingers into Shiro's shirt and focusing on the feel of the fabric under his skin. You're here, you help just by being here.

And then there's a little chuckle, something almost like a snort. ]

Yeah, I know. I'm not gonna avoid talking to her about the important stuff just cause she'd gonna get cranky at me though, you know? We'll figure it out.

[ They're broodmates. And one day she'll have to learn that losing her temper every time someone says something she doesn't like ain't gonna do any good, but hell if he's going to bring that up with her any time soon. ]

Day 10ish

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