[ closed ] when i say forever, it's the goddamn truth

[otrazhenie]

CHARACTERS: Elena Gilbert otrazhenie, Damon Salvatore blooded, Misato Katsuragi wille
WHERE: Hyrypia - The Tents
WHEN: Day :017 - Day :018
SUMMARY: A Feelings Talk. Coping with Grief.
WARNINGS: Feelings. Blood. Talk of death, suicide. Will update as necessary!

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{ damon } i wanna dig in your heart, take away your hurting

[otrazhenie]

[ Gildor, Lakshmi, Sam, even Shinji. All of them had noticed and even called her out on her feelings the day before, and finally… Finally she’d allowed herself to admit the truth to herself. The truth she’d been denying for months, to Caroline and Stefan, to herself and everyone in her life. It had been like jumping off a cliff as she’d said the words, unable to pull them back in even if she’d wanted to, and come morning she’s still falling, a current of emotion and anxiety tearing at her heart as she waits to reach the end of that fall.

She can’t wait any longer. For a moment, she’d entertained the idea of putting it off even longer, but everyone already knows. Everyone except the one person who it matters most to. And if something were to happen to either of them on this mission…

She can’t wait. So when most everyone’s wandered off to breakfast, she reaches out from one of their empty tents and gives a gentle brush at their connection, like setting a hand upon his arm. ]

( Are you busy? I need to talk to you about something. )

[blooded]

❰ damon's been very purposefully not thinking about last night. not the nightmares, not elena's reaction to them, and not the conversation with sam that followed. thinking about this shit has never worked well for him in the past, he's not going to bother with it now. whatever elena wants or doesn't or whatever she's thinking, he knows how this whole song and dance goes.

it's always stefan. he wont forget.

when elena reaches out for him, damon's consciousness turns toward her like a flower to sun, instinctual and involuntary. she calls, he answers, even if he tries to pretend that he could ever leave her alone.

If you're looking to let me down easy, you know you don't need to.

it's nothing more than he expected, and he'd rather not have a repeat i care about you, i do, but — while they're here. ❱

[otrazhenie]

[ That's not what she'd expected, but it's the same blunt and straightforward Damon she's grown to care about. He says what he thinks or avoids a subject, and he doesn't lie, not to her, not when it matters. So hearing that now -- she shrinks back just a little, not sure how to react in the face of that, and then steels herself to barrel forward again. She can't let him wave this off, she needs to tell him and he needs to listen. ]

( Damon, that's not-- I'm not doing that. I promise I'm not. )

[ What if he won't even let her tell him? What if she has to fight for him to even listen, let alone accept her feelings? Is she strong enough for that right now? ]

[blooded]

❰ You and Sam are so annoying, damon says, the impression of a put-upon sigh permeating the mental link even as he begins to make his way to the tent elena's in. the two of them with their desire to talk about things and make him happy and tell him he's a good person are just so, so exhausting. the day's barely started and damon is ready to go back to sleep.

when he gets into the tent he pulls off his veil, raising an eyebrow at elena. ❱

Yes?

[otrazhenie]

[ She's been pacing in the tent, her costume laid out on one of the cots that she's passed a dozen times now, wringing her hands while waiting for his arrival. Her back is to him when he enters, and her hair swings over her should as she turns to face him, words tumbling out as she does. Just... not the ones she'd intended. ]

What did Sam do?

[ Okay. Well. She'll get to that eyebrow in a second, don't you worry, Damon. ]

[blooded]

Is that really what you wanted to talk to me about?

❰ damon's not even going to try to explain how he finds sam and elena's interest in doing right by him both frustrating and endearing — it's not something that people like them can really get, much as they try. sam and elena are almost universally beloved, at least by the people who matter, and they don't really understand what it's like to live without the safety net of friends. elena's even worse than sam is, really.

she doesn't need to hear that. her empathy runs wild, tugs her in a thousand different directions as she tries to please everyone around her, but she values it more than anything — and it'd be a lie to say that it isn't part of what made damon fall so deeply in love with her as quickly as he did. ❱

Come on, Elena, out with it. I'm pretty sure we're not here for Sam. Although if we are I have to tell you, he has a boyfriend. Actually he has like, five. He's in very high demand.

[otrazhenie]

We're not here for Sam.

[ It's a soft confirmation of what he knows, what's being made clear through their connection. Her nervousness, her affection for him, all of it bubbling at the surface of her mind and she's not even trying to hide it from him. This is why they're here, why she's just about worn a line in the floor with all her pacing. ]

We're here because of what happened last night. Because of how I feel about you.

[ She should just say it, just lay the words out in front of him and have it done and over with. But she can't. Everything in Elena is screaming to take it slowly, one step at a time, because she's afraid. She's so scared that he'll push her away and she won't be strong enough to stand her ground and fight for him. And if she backs down once, she knows it will be that much harder to get through to him, and she can't stand to not be with him one day longer. ]

[blooded]

❰ what happened last night. damon takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and preparing himself for... whatever will come next. when it comes to this, he has no special insight into elena's mind, no cheat sheet on her psyche, and he can't afford to make assumptions right now. ❱

If you can't say it, Elena, are you really ready to talk about it?

❰ the question is gentle, but pointed. she kissed him, and if she wants to talk to him about it, she should be able to admit to it. ❱

[otrazhenie]

[ If she can't say it. She hadn't said it the night before, when she and Sam had talked about her feelings for Damon, the reasons she'd made the choices she had, the ways in which her life has been irrevocably changed.

Is she ready to talk about it now? With him? Elena's quiet for a moment as she thinks it over, reaching up to tuck her hair back behind an ear, weighing the options for the hundredth time and coming to the same conclusion. ]

Yes, I am. I kissed you last night because I'm in love with you, Damon.

[ It's not the most eloquent way of saying it, nor how she'd planned to tell him. But there it is, out in the open, and there's not an inch of her regretting this decision. ]

[blooded]

❰ a moment while damon's mind catches up to what elena actually said — he was expecting her to pointedly bring up the kiss, to make overtures toward seeing whether they could be something... but love. for a second, damon stares at her, eyes wide, mind torn between elation and fear. if she gives him this she can take it away just as easily, if he's never happy he can't be heartbroken.

what if stefan wakes up? can he take this while his brother isn't awake to fight for elena himself? can he let himself repay his brother by stealing his girl?

let her be happy, sam had said, and maybe damon can't let himself have this, but he can let elena, right? ❱

Because you're a vampire and I'm the one who's here and awake, ❰ hesays eventually, cautious. not saying no, but too afraid to say yes. ❱

[otrazhenie]

[ She should have guessed that he would assume the worst, jump right to reasons why instead of simply accepting it. She should have known, and yet -- she still flinches, her mind shrinking back a bit before steeling herself for the fight that might be coming. There's no backing down, she's doing this, whatever it takes. ]

I was in love with you before I died. If Stefan were here, I would still choose you.

[ There's not an ounce of hesitation in her words, and she tries to open up their connection more so he can see that she's not lying, not to him and not to herself. ]

[blooded]

❰ if she says it, how can he deny her? he's missed four months of her life, four months where stefan was gone or not himself even if he was around, and if she didn't love damon when he left for the station, who's to say she couldn't fall in that time he was gone? it feels... too easy, almost, like after all these years of loneliness he can't have what he wants so close to hand. all that stands between him and happiness is himself, and damon's still reluctant to move forward.

elena's not lying, but she doesn't have to. ❱

You can only say that because he's not here, ❰ damon says, though he takes a step forward, clearly torn. his head is a maelstrom, fear and longing and love and annoyance — at himself, for making this difficult, at elena, for choosing now to fall, at stefan, for being asleep. ❱

[otrazhenie]

[ Until that moment, her emotions have been buoyed by her love for him, a determination to make him understand, and a thread of elation at finally admitting it to herself and him. But now? Now there's a deep sadness that wells up, a sense of loss because of what's gone from her life. Her first deep love, one that's been fading for months even if no one else knew it.

One that couldn't be saved now even if she wanted it. ]

Do you honestly think things would be different if he was here? He won't love me like this, Damon. He'll hate that I'm a vampire, he'll want to change me, fix me. You know that.

[ Because Stefan isn't Damon. All he'll see is what's wrong with her as a vampire, want to fix her and make her like him. She doesn't know if she could even survive that with her heart intact. ]

{ misato } our scars make us who we are

[otrazhenie]

[ It wasn't supposed to happen like this. None of them were supposed to die on this mission, they were all supposed to make it back to the station and then make it home. It's something Elena keeps thinking of as she goes around to check on people after they've all returned, after the body of a man she hadn't really known was brought back for... what? Not burial, they can't risk someone finding the body and discovering they're not who they say.

Don't think about that now.

After so many months spent compartmentalizing her grief, she's thankfully gotten pretty good at it. Combined with the training in shielding she's had from Sam, she somehow manages not to drown in the pain of the rest of the Nest, at least enough so to be able to follow the threads of anger, anxiety, and misery to the people who need help. Perhaps not her help, but that certainly won't stop her from offering. Even with someone like Misato, who she's not sure what to make of - she's still a person, like all the rest of them. ]

[wille]

[ There is nothing wondrous about the ability to lock away certain sets of traits and their resulting emotions, to don one mask while setting aside another, this elusive thing called compartmentalizing. It is just making a checklist of things to do, to focus on the task at hand before moving on to another. It is no magic, only dedication and hard work. It is the mundanity of soaking one's robes in a metal tub to get rid of the blood, the banal way the tips of her fingers grow numb and crinkle after so much time in the water, it is crouching on the ground from weariness yet knowing to push on.

Misato is dressed down to a found shirt and plain underwear, hair bunched up to keep out of the way, but even then she doesn't willingly discard with her airs. Her gaze when she turns to Elena is unrelenting. ]

Were you at the hunt?

[otrazhenie]

[ Misato's appearance is... not at all what Elena had expected to find. Not that she'd been expecting anything in particular, she doesn't know the other woman well enough to be able to guess at things like that, but still. No one would ever assume this. ]

Yes.

[ It's a simple answer for a simple question. Reaching up to tug off the scarves that help to hide her face, she shrugs off the top layer of her robe as well with practiced ease. There's concern in both her expression and voice when she nods to the tub and asks ]

What happened?

[wille]

[ This? This, even military commanders are human. Woman. Slight even, easily mistaken for harmless. She has set aside her gun on top of its holster upon a nearby surface, away from the water but close enough to reach for. The water in the tub is dark under the reddened suds, and she turns her attention back to scrubbing off stubborn spots. ]

It's not mine. [ The blood, she means. ] I had to carry his body back.

[ Level, without a hitch in her throat, albeit muted. ]

They only gave us one set of robes. I don't want to miss whatever they've got planned for us tomorrow.

[otrazhenie]

[ The smell of blood was faint at the tent's opening, unnoticeable to someone who wasn't sensitive to it, but the closer she moves to Misato... It's strong. If the other woman had to carry back the body...

Kneeling down beside the tub, Elena looks down into that water, studies the spots she can clearly see on the fabric with her enhanced vision. ]

You need clean water. Will you let me help?

[ She's not going to force it on Misato, but if she can help, she wants to. ]

[wille]

[ At the offer, Misato stands with the drenched robe in hand, rolling it up unceremoniously and wringing the water out of it best as she can. The blood and water get everywhere. The whole place stinks of it, coppery and fishy, and her mind tricks her into thinking it rancid already. The body decays so quickly and so does its parts.

She takes the tub by the handle and offers it to Elena, and with it, looks the elephant in the room in the eye. ]

There's gotta be some advice against doing this, don't you think?

[otrazhenie]

[ It says a great deal about Misato's current (and perhaps always) mindset when she proceeds to handle things in a way that just makes a huge mess. The method is perhaps the exact opposite of how Elena would have gone about it, but everyone deals with stress and grief in different ways. ]

What do you mean?

[ If there is an elephant, Elena's not seeing it, and she's more than a little confused by the question, though she doesn't hesitate to take hold of the tub, easily lifting it despite the heavy water. ]

[wille]

[ If it so requires spelling out: ]

Handing a bucketful of blood to a vampire.

[ She doesn’t seem at all afraid despite her words, eyes still fixed upon Elena, the dripping robe held close to her chest. Her mind is dulled by fatigue, everything else taking a backseat. The human body has its mercies. ]

[otrazhenie]

[ The look Elena gives Misato at that is one that can't be mistaken - a scrunched up nose, slight frown, and wrinkled brow in combination always equal distaste. ]

I might be a vampire, but that's still gross.

[ She would have to be halfway to desiccation to find anything about the bucket in her hands at all appetizing. A glance down at the dark water has her shaking her head before arranging her scarves again, at least well enough to step back outside the tent to empty and refill the bucket. It doesn't take her long, and when she returns to the tent it's with soap in hand as well. ]

[wille]

[ Disgust isn't an emotion she freely allows herself when there are few things left she hasn't resorted to. The line keeps getting pushed back. ]

Blood is blood. [ Just as well, meat is meat. Bones are bones.

Misato lets Elena handle the water while wringing her robes some more, something to occupy her hands while waiting. When the girl returns, she has her question ready. ]

Did you ever wonder why it has to be living blood, if maybe it's not about the material but about the life?

[otrazhenie]

[ Setting down the tub and bar of soap, she wipes her hands off on her robes before removing the scarves again, this time adding most of her outer layers to the pile as well. She'd rather not get all of her own clothes wet if she can help it. ]

I'm pretty sure that's it exactly. Vampires, at least the ones where I'm from, were created with magic. The purpose was to gain eternal life, there were just some... unintended side effects.

[ Like not being able to go out in the sun without catching on fire. That's not one she's ever to be able to conquer now, thanks to being pulled away before she'd been able to get a daylight ring from Bonnie. It's something she's tried not to think about too much, but she's fairly certain that not all missions will involve costumes that cover them so completely. She'll just have to deal with that problem when it comes. ]

[wille]

[ Ah, but of course. She betrays a frown at the mention of eternal life. Humans have been seeking immortality ever since their consciousness understood the possibility of oblivion. It was her father's trade. It was her trade. But at what cost?

She dunks her robe back into the tub, her lack of grace bordering on irreverence, a rebellion against a certain set of expectations rather than an inability to comply. ]

Is it what you want? Immortality?