station72 | [ closed ] when i say forever, it's the goddamn truth

❰ damon's been very purposefully not thinking about last night. not the nightmares, not elena's reaction to them, and not the conversation with sam that followed. thinking about this shit has never worked well for him in the past, he's not going to bother with it now. whatever elena wants or doesn't or whatever she's thinking, he knows how this whole song and dance goes.

it's always stefan. he wont forget.

when elena reaches out for him, damon's consciousness turns toward her like a flower to sun, instinctual and involuntary. she calls, he answers, even if he tries to pretend that he could ever leave her alone.

If you're looking to let me down easy, you know you don't need to.

it's nothing more than he expected, and he'd rather not have a repeat i care about you, i do, but — while they're here. ❱

[ That's not what she'd expected, but it's the same blunt and straightforward Damon she's grown to care about. He says what he thinks or avoids a subject, and he doesn't lie, not to her, not when it matters. So hearing that now -- she shrinks back just a little, not sure how to react in the face of that, and then steels herself to barrel forward again. She can't let him wave this off, she needs to tell him and he needs to listen. ]

( Damon, that's not-- I'm not doing that. I promise I'm not. )

[ What if he won't even let her tell him? What if she has to fight for him to even listen, let alone accept her feelings? Is she strong enough for that right now? ]

❰ You and Sam are so annoying, damon says, the impression of a put-upon sigh permeating the mental link even as he begins to make his way to the tent elena's in. the two of them with their desire to talk about things and make him happy and tell him he's a good person are just so, so exhausting. the day's barely started and damon is ready to go back to sleep.

when he gets into the tent he pulls off his veil, raising an eyebrow at elena. ❱

Yes?

[ She's been pacing in the tent, her costume laid out on one of the cots that she's passed a dozen times now, wringing her hands while waiting for his arrival. Her back is to him when he enters, and her hair swings over her should as she turns to face him, words tumbling out as she does. Just... not the ones she'd intended. ]

What did Sam do?

[ Okay. Well. She'll get to that eyebrow in a second, don't you worry, Damon. ]

Is that really what you wanted to talk to me about?

❰ damon's not even going to try to explain how he finds sam and elena's interest in doing right by him both frustrating and endearing — it's not something that people like them can really get, much as they try. sam and elena are almost universally beloved, at least by the people who matter, and they don't really understand what it's like to live without the safety net of friends. elena's even worse than sam is, really.

she doesn't need to hear that. her empathy runs wild, tugs her in a thousand different directions as she tries to please everyone around her, but she values it more than anything — and it'd be a lie to say that it isn't part of what made damon fall so deeply in love with her as quickly as he did. ❱

Come on, Elena, out with it. I'm pretty sure we're not here for Sam. Although if we are I have to tell you, he has a boyfriend. Actually he has like, five. He's in very high demand.

We're not here for Sam.

[ It's a soft confirmation of what he knows, what's being made clear through their connection. Her nervousness, her affection for him, all of it bubbling at the surface of her mind and she's not even trying to hide it from him. This is why they're here, why she's just about worn a line in the floor with all her pacing. ]

We're here because of what happened last night. Because of how I feel about you.

[ She should just say it, just lay the words out in front of him and have it done and over with. But she can't. Everything in Elena is screaming to take it slowly, one step at a time, because she's afraid. She's so scared that he'll push her away and she won't be strong enough to stand her ground and fight for him. And if she backs down once, she knows it will be that much harder to get through to him, and she can't stand to not be with him one day longer. ]

❰ what happened last night. damon takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and preparing himself for... whatever will come next. when it comes to this, he has no special insight into elena's mind, no cheat sheet on her psyche, and he can't afford to make assumptions right now. ❱

If you can't say it, Elena, are you really ready to talk about it?

❰ the question is gentle, but pointed. she kissed him, and if she wants to talk to him about it, she should be able to admit to it. ❱

[ If she can't say it. She hadn't said it the night before, when she and Sam had talked about her feelings for Damon, the reasons she'd made the choices she had, the ways in which her life has been irrevocably changed.

Is she ready to talk about it now? With him? Elena's quiet for a moment as she thinks it over, reaching up to tuck her hair back behind an ear, weighing the options for the hundredth time and coming to the same conclusion. ]

Yes, I am. I kissed you last night because I'm in love with you, Damon.

[ It's not the most eloquent way of saying it, nor how she'd planned to tell him. But there it is, out in the open, and there's not an inch of her regretting this decision. ]

❰ a moment while damon's mind catches up to what elena actually said — he was expecting her to pointedly bring up the kiss, to make overtures toward seeing whether they could be something... but love. for a second, damon stares at her, eyes wide, mind torn between elation and fear. if she gives him this she can take it away just as easily, if he's never happy he can't be heartbroken.

what if stefan wakes up? can he take this while his brother isn't awake to fight for elena himself? can he let himself repay his brother by stealing his girl?

let her be happy, sam had said, and maybe damon can't let himself have this, but he can let elena, right? ❱

Because you're a vampire and I'm the one who's here and awake, ❰ hesays eventually, cautious. not saying no, but too afraid to say yes. ❱

Edited 2017-10-14 03:15 (UTC)

[ She should have guessed that he would assume the worst, jump right to reasons why instead of simply accepting it. She should have known, and yet -- she still flinches, her mind shrinking back a bit before steeling herself for the fight that might be coming. There's no backing down, she's doing this, whatever it takes. ]

I was in love with you before I died. If Stefan were here, I would still choose you.

[ There's not an ounce of hesitation in her words, and she tries to open up their connection more so he can see that she's not lying, not to him and not to herself. ]

❰ if she says it, how can he deny her? he's missed four months of her life, four months where stefan was gone or not himself even if he was around, and if she didn't love damon when he left for the station, who's to say she couldn't fall in that time he was gone? it feels... too easy, almost, like after all these years of loneliness he can't have what he wants so close to hand. all that stands between him and happiness is himself, and damon's still reluctant to move forward.

elena's not lying, but she doesn't have to. ❱

You can only say that because he's not here, ❰ damon says, though he takes a step forward, clearly torn. his head is a maelstrom, fear and longing and love and annoyance — at himself, for making this difficult, at elena, for choosing now to fall, at stefan, for being asleep. ❱

[ Until that moment, her emotions have been buoyed by her love for him, a determination to make him understand, and a thread of elation at finally admitting it to herself and him. But now? Now there's a deep sadness that wells up, a sense of loss because of what's gone from her life. Her first deep love, one that's been fading for months even if no one else knew it.

One that couldn't be saved now even if she wanted it. ]

Do you honestly think things would be different if he was here? He won't love me like this, Damon. He'll hate that I'm a vampire, he'll want to change me, fix me. You know that.

[ Because Stefan isn't Damon. All he'll see is what's wrong with her as a vampire, want to fix her and make her like him. She doesn't know if she could even survive that with her heart intact. ]

❰ it's not as though she's... wrong, exactly. stefan hates what he is too much to love another vampire — his century and a half long "friendship" with lexi is proof enough of that, damon thinks — but damon still feels somewhat compelled to argue the point. maybe stefan wouldn't like it at first, but he could learn to. if they had time, he'd see that elena isn't all that different as a vampire than she was as a human — all she is is stronger, really.

but here, they don't have time. they have a hunter who wants them dead, and elena floundering without friends. if stefan was awake now, he'd be devastated, and he'd bring elena down even further than she'd already been. ❱

You hate that you're a vampire, don't you? You want to fix yourself.

❰ the words aren't meant to be cruel, though damon can see how they might be. they're important, though — he won't be with elena if she's just using him to make the transition easier on herself. he'll support her, always, as best he can, but if all he is is a buffer against self-loathing, she needs more time to adjust.

it's right, just not right now. he can wait, if he has to. ❱

[ That one catches her off-guard, sends her reeling into a depth of dark emotion in her mind. He's wrong and he isn't, and she can't see the connection, struggles to follow the path from I love you to this. It feels like with every second that passes, he drifts farther from her, moving just out of reach of her heart and it hurts. ]

Yes, I hate it, but I can't change it. This is what I am now, who I am. I don't want to fix myself, I just want... to find a way to live like this. To feel alive, to be happy and not... scared of myself.

[ She's trying to give him an honest answer, really thinking it through before she speaks, but this isn't what she'd wanted when she asked him here. This was supposed to be a happy moment, giving them both what they've wanted, but maybe she isn't strong enough to fight for this yet, not when the one she's fighting is Damon himself and he's one of the only things holding her together. ]

❰ this is getting away from him. damon closes his eyes and ducks his head, running his hand briefly over his eyes before he draws on that steel he'd reinforced himself with at the beginning of this. she'd been happy, and he's made her less so, has made her doubt, and before anything else he has to fix that.

he approaches elena, cupping her face in his hands and leaning their foreheads together, opening up his head so she can feel — he loves her, he does, but he is afraid, for her and for himself. it's not about not wanting, it's about not wanting to hurt. ❱

Don't tie your happiness to me, Elena. You know I always disappoint you.

❰ he could do his utter best and that would still be true. she needs to be solid, stable, feet steady beneath her before and happy with herself, or he will fuck up and she will crumble and he couldn't stand to hurt her more than he has already. ❱

[ Having him so close and yet not having him is a bittersweet ache in her chest that makes it hard to breathe. His fingers on her skin are like fire, warming her heart while threatening to burn it to ash if he pushes her away. She has to fix this, has to make him see, but she feels like she's drowning in doubt and uncertainty, and a need for something only he can give her.

Her hands raise half an inch to return that bracing touch, but she can't move them further. That strength is gone from her while she waits to see whether her world will end or begin again, and all she can manage when she speaks is a soft, strained whisper, pleading with him to accept it. ]

I love you, Damon.

[ She loves him. He loves her. Can't that be enough? Can't they have each other in this place where they don't know what lies ahead? They might never get home, see their brothers again. They might die tomorrow and never see it coming. If the last few years has taught her anything, it's that. ]

❰ for a very long moment, damon does nothing. he doesn't know what to do, and elena deserves to be happy but he doesn't know if this is just a short-term bandaid to a long-term problem. sam would know. sam would have something helpful to say.

he'd say, she deserves to make a choice. he'd say, she's choosing you. you haven't broken her yet.

but yet doesn't mean won't ever. damon presses his lips to elena's forehead, to her cheek, to the corner of her mouth, avoiding her lips before he tilts their foreheads together again, torn. ❱

I love you, ❰ he says, and it cracks open his chest to do it because he still doesn't know, whether he is allowed to be selfish or to allow her to be selfish, whether right is now or not. it's not a question of not loving, it's a question of whether it is more loving to give her what she wants or what she needs, and which is which. does she need more time to adjust, or a reason to do it?

does she want a pillar to lean on, or a shield to hide behind? ❱

Why?

❰ the question is vague, but the meaning through the mental link is clear — why does she love him, what does she want, what is he to her now? ❱

[ Each of those precious kisses breaks her heart in the best and worst ways. Each press of his lips against her skin has her holding a breath, scared of breaking the spell that's keeping him so close. Underneath that churning ocean of love and pain and longing is swirling mass of fear focused on the question of what they'll be if love isn't enough. She tries not to press her love too heavily at him, though it surges up when he says those words and her heart breaks anew because they aren't safe yet.

And then -- why? That he has to ask says so much about him, and just makes her want to wrap her arms around him and never let go. ]

Because you've never wanted me to be anyone but who I am. Because from the moment we first met, you knew what I wanted in my life, what I needed, and you've always tried so hard to make sure I got what I was looking for. Because you've always fought for me, even when I wouldn't fight for myself. Because--

[ Her voice breaks a little and she pulls in a shaking breath, trying to gather her strength to finish. ]

Because you always fought so hard for me and Stefan, no matter what that meant for us.

[ Us. The two of them. Damon and Elena, who so many at home would try to pull apart, while everyone here keeps pointing out that they should be together. ]

❰ what they'll be is friends, always, the same way they always have been. elena never had to love him for him to care about her, and even as she worries damon tries to impress that on her, that he won't leave her, not for anything.

i'll always come back to you, he said, and he meant it.

her explanation is... both more than what he was asking for and not it at all. it doesn't answer whether she wants him to protect her or to help her, whether giving in would be helping or hurting, but it twists up his heart all the same. if she wants him so badly, if she sees him that way, is it so selfish to let her be happy? is it so wrong to give in?

it takes a long moment, but all of a sudden, the tension drains out of damon in a rush. he huffs out a breath, lolling his head from side to side in a lazy shake. ❱

This is going to end so badly, ❰ he says, but he sounds pretty happy about it. ❱

[ She doesn't know what she wants from Damon, what she's looking for in this relationship as far as protection or support - those are questions she can't answer yet, but that don't matter as much to her as they do to him. He's what she wants, period. That's as far as she's thought and all she cares about right now.

It seems like a dream when she feels that tension wash away. There's disbelief when she hears that happiness in his voice, because he can't-- Is this really happening? The notion that this is really happening takes a few moments to settle in, but when it does her entire world brightens like the sun coming out from behind dark storm clouds.

And she's happy too. ]

Who says it has to end at all?

[ They have forever now. Who's to say that they won't last that long, that something has to go wrong? They can't know that now, no one can. ]

Fatalist, remember?

❰ every relationship is doomed to end. he believes that now just as much as he did when he was meeting elena for the second-first time, sowing discord and seeds of doubt over her relationship with stefan. friendship is maybe not weakness, perhaps he can keep his humanity and be a vampire, and feeling doesn't always suck — these are things he's learned in the year it's been since he met elena. but everything ends, that will never stop being true.

maybe, possibly, this can end happily, when they choose to walk into the sun together after a happy life long lived.

damon doubts it. but it's a nice idea. ❱

[ The laugh that bubbles up out of her is sudden, unexpected, but completely genuine. It's such a Damon answer and she's so relieved at this turn of events, there's no stopping the burst of sound that practically echoes through the empty tent. ]

I'll just have to believe for the both of us, I guess.

[ And she will. She'll believe it with all her heart and cling to that belief whenever they might hit a rough patch. Because this thing between them isn't just for now; that's not how Elena Gilbert operates. When she loves, it's with her whole being, and there's a joy rising up in her at finally being able to love him. ]

❰ that's elena for you, believing twice as hard just because she knows that nobody else does. her optimism is adorable even as damon feels like he should protect her from it — nothing ever turns out as well as she hopes it will, and it always breaks her heart when she's hit with the sad reality that the world is a terrible place. but maybe that's part of the beauty of her, that she keeps believing in a good end, even if it never comes.

why begin anything at all, if you're so sure it'll just fall apart?

damon is still afraid. he probably won't ever lose that fear — elena is strong but she is fragile, she's young, and if he hurts her because he's made the wrong choice it'd kill him — but maybe he can take a page out of the elena gilbert playbook. maybe he can rush into the future, not blind to the dangers, but hopeful anyway.

he hums in agreement, moves his hands to cup her jaw and tilt her chin up, and dips his head to kiss her.

fuck fatalism. ❱

[ He kisses her and she can almost forget all the pain and suffering in her life. His lips press to hers and she lifts her hands to wrap them around the fabric that covers him, holding him in place just in case he decides to make a run for it. She's made her choice and he's stuck with her now.

Sinking into that perfect kiss, Elena opens her mind a bit more too him, wrapping her love around him like a soft blanket draped on his shoulders. Because he has to realize, she doesn't just think she loves him, she knows it. That love is a part of her soul and she breathes it into her lungs as it is irrevocably tied to her being. The Elena Gilbert she is now would not exist without Damon Salvatore, and she wouldn't give him up for all the world. ]

❰ for as much as damon shares himself mentally with the others, he hasn't really experienced the reverse of that — for those he wants to share with, damon finds it much easier to just open his mind and give them a glimpse into his actual mental state. words are usually beyond him, when he feels so much, and just laying his mind bare is... easier, if not safer. no one has really done the same for him, though, bar sam, and when elena opens the link between them and lets her love flood through it damon nearly crumples beneath the weight of it. it's so much he has to pull away for a moment — he wants it too much, has wanted it for too long, having her not only under his lips but in his head is too much —

but he eases into it, slowly, tests the strength of the feeling, prodding at it and then slowly lifting the floodgates on his own mind. elena has seen how much he loves her, must have felt it over the time she's been here, but those were mere tastes. this is a torrent of emotion, a tsunami — his love for her is all tied up in his growing sense of hope, his slowly, painstakingly rebuilt sense of self, and he wants her to see that just as much as he wants her to know how much he loves her. she makes him a better person, she makes him happy, and she should see that. ❱

[ closed ] when i say forever, it's the goddamn truth

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