station72 | Day 10ish

(I'm going to hold you to that.)

[In every way possible. He'll accept whatever has to happen. Bear it. He doesn't outright say so, but he figures it's implied.]

(I don't want you to hold back, if it's necessary.)

[Because if some people are going to be there he thinks will be there... if anything happened to them because of him, he'll never forgive himself.]

[ There's a lot Sam could say to that. He thinks about telling him not to let anyone be there that he would never forgive himself if he hurt, because it's stupid to pull that kind of risk. Thinks about promising him that if he does, Sam will protect them from him.

He'd never let anything hurt Pidge, even if she hates him for hurting Shiro to protect her.

But none of that is what comes out, and he finds himself asking something he hadn't quite meant to. ]

( Do you trust me? )

(I wouldn't let you near Pidge if I didn't.)

[Yes, he knows there's things dividing them now. This 'brood' thing. But that wouldn't stop him if he felt Sam was untrustworthy. And yes, he knows she's more than capable of looking after herself.]

[But it's ... she's the last thing he's got from home. The last link to people he might never see again. People who mattered.]

[It's a lot to put on her, and he'll never say so to her face, she doesn't need that baggage. But Sam?]

[He lets it out in the open, here.]

(Or me.)

[ It's somehow more reassuring than if he'd just said 'yes.' Sam'd believe him, of course he would, but that... that means more. Because he understands it; it's the same way he feels about Clint. Brood doesn't matter when it comes to them.

And if Shiro trusts him with Pidge, then Sam can trust him with this side of him. ]

( You won't hurt her. You won't hurt any of them; I'll do whatever's necessary. If it comes down to it, I'll take you out myself. )

[ It'd destroy a part of him to do it, same as he knows that it will if he ever has to make good on his promise to Bucky to do the same thing. But he will. ]

(If it's necessary...)

[If he even came close to hurting her. Or anyone else who mattered dearly to him.]

(... I'd want you to.)

( I know. That's the only reason why I'll do it. I got your back, Shiro, no matter what. )

[ There's a moment's pause, the connection between them humming in thought. ]

( If you're doing this, will you work with me more on learning how to recognize what triggers your flashbacks and how to control them? )

(Then it's settled.)

[Even if he doesn't sound super happy about it.]

(If that'll help keep this thing under control... sure.)

[ That makes two of them. Sam's not all that happy about it either, but he understands. ]

( You think I'd keep trying to get you to work on something that wasn’t gonna help? )

(It's not that.)

(I... trust you, remember? But you can't blame me for not liking how this is going to go down.)

[ No, Sam can't blame him. He's worried, too. He responds to that without really thinking about it, the same way he's done more than once when offering his support - the phantom sensation of fingers running through Shiro's hair, wings wrapped warmly around him. ]

( I understand why you're doing it, man, I do. It's unsettling as hell having a power you don't know how to control that might make you a danger to others. ) [ Sam knows something about that. ] ( The best we can do is figure out what triggers it, how to keep it from happening, and how to calm you down when it does. Believe it or not, I got a little experience in all of that. We can do this. )

('What triggers it' is the first problem. The rest... I guess we go from there.)

[Why couldn't he have a useful skill? Or something that can easily be turned on and off? Why this?]

[Nothing is ever easy, is it?]

[ The mental link hums softly, half consideration, half something that isn't quite strong enough to be disagreement, but isn't exactly neutral. ]

( Risky as hell trying to figure out what triggers something like this without having at least an idea of what works to pull you out of it. ) [ There's an almost pulling sensation, like fingers laced together and a hand tugged. ] ( Come here? )

(I know. But I have an idea, regardless.)

[And that idea is what kept him from trying to rip Bellamy's face off last time, so.]

(She wants to be there, anyway.)

[He probably doesn't need to say who 'she' is. But -- at the tug, he can't help but send the mental equivalent of "where are you?" in response.]

[ No, he doesn't have to say her name - and that's something else that's on Sam's mind, but he's gonna talk to Pidge about it himself.

For now, he gives an image of the training area in the hangar, right next to one of the weight benches. He'd been working out, and is dressed to match in a tank top and sweats, but he'd stopped when talking to Shiro, and now he just stays seated on the bench, waiting.

When Shiro gets there, he can't help but light up a little in a smile, and he reaches out to take Shiro's hand for real and pull him in a little.

And then a little more, as he tugs him down for a kiss. ]

Hey.

[Hoo boy, godspeed there, Sam Wilson.]

[He'll show up, in his own more loose-fitting clothing, since he'd figured it they were going to gear up to try this thing, the armor wouldn't help anyone or anything. It'd probably hurt someone more than it would help.]

[It's enough of a surprise to where he doesn't protest when Sam takes his hand. But he really can't stop the flood of surprise at the kissing part.]

Uh. Hi. That's... one way to say hello.

[ To be fair, it's mostly that he's worried about Shiro and is going to plot with her about this training thing, but still.

There's a chuckle at that surprise, and Sam only barely resists leaning up for another kiss. He doesn't even bother trying to hold back the affection and contentment from spilling over the mental link. ]

You're gonna have to get used to it, man, now that I don't gotta hold back. [ Except he should probably hold back now, if he wants to get any talking done, and he settles for resting his free hand on Shiro's hip as he looks up at him. ] Can we go through our options to try to pull you out of it? What calms you down, what makes you feel safe?

Edited 2017-02-16 06:23 (UTC)

[And here he is, mostly worried about Pidge. Because that's just who he is. How he is.]

[He stays that color, though, especially when there's a hand on his hip. Idly rubbing at the back of his neck to regain something like composure.]

... She helped. Last time. I mean, she wasn't there for it. I just remembered what she'd said to me.

[A grimace.] Pretty sure it kept Bellamy's face on his head.

[ Of course he is. And that's one of the things that Sam loves about him, but it's also one of the things that frustrates him. And is why he's gonna talk to Pidge. ]

I'm pretty sure we all like Bellamy's face where it is, so that's a good thing.

[ It's hard not to smile when Shiro's this close to him, especially when it's clear he's a little flustered. Despite the soft almost smile, though, Sam's voice is serious. ]

I'd feel better if we had more than just one. I know your safety as at the bottom of your list of concerns, but it's damn near at the top of mine.

I'm sure he does, too.

[He swallows, doing his best to rein himself in. Control what he's feeling. Both uncertainty and... well. The feelings that come when you're swamped in affection and have someone's hand on your hip.]

... then you probably also know I'd rather get myself beat up than have any of you hurt in the process.

One of the new arrivals manipulates gravity. Seviilia can summon some kind of chain. There's restraints.

[ Of course Sam knows. That's one of the things that's weighing heavily on him, has been since that night on the roof in Concordia when he really realized what he was getting himself into. But then Shiro mentions Seviilia, and Sam can't help but grimace a little. ]

Seviilia feeds off hurting people; I don't think it's a good idea to count on her for restraint. [ Which isn't really fair to her; she'd tried hard to control herself when with him and Shepard and he trusts her enough to want to continue to go to her for training. But Sam’s ability doesn't make him lose himself the way Shiro's does - or at least, it hasn't yet.

There's a moment of uncertainty that echoes Shiro's own as Sam tries to figure out how to say this - if he has a right to say this, or if this is gonna push for an answer he's not ready to hear or just make Shiro more upset. ]

I know you’d put your life on the line for almost any of us if you had to. So would I, it's one of the things I respect about you. But I - are you protecting me because you feel like it's your responsibility to protect us all, or because you care about me?

She offered. And if that's what it takes to bring me down from... that. Then I'll live.

[He didn't know that about her, though. She'd seemed reasonable when he'd spoken with her. Both times -- which was more than he could say for some people here. And he can't turn away potential help. If it doesn't work -- then it doesn't work. He'll try something else.]

[Anything to get it controlled.]

[But he doesn't know how Sam wants him to answer that. It's an easy answer, for him. He knows it immediately. But... is it the right one?]

Both.

[Regardless of whether or not it's right, it's true.] It's both.

[ She'd seemed reasonable to Sam, too, enough that her suggestion had seemed practical. Right up until he'd gotten the feedback of just how much she was enjoying causing them pain.

It's not about how Sam wants him to answer, or whether there's a right answer, it's just about what Shiro's answer is. And that - it's a quiet relief, that it isn't just because of Shiro's sense of responsibility. ]

It's up to you, man, and I'll respect whatever you decide. [ Sam's quiet for a bit, just running his thumb over the back of Shiro's knuckles. It's hard for him to admit that he doesn't do well losing the people he cares about - even at the VA when he talked about loss he often hedged around saying it directly, using shit like I couldn't find a good enough reason to stay over there. It'd be so easy for him to drop it right here, to move on to talking practicalities, but what was the point of asking the question if he's not going to follow through?

In the end, he doesn't actually say it. Instead his mind brushes against Shiro's, feather-soft like the ghost of a kiss to his forehead, an undercurrent of something hollow and empty to his side of the mental link. ]

( I wouldn't be okay without you in my life, Shiro. Will you think about that before you're so willing to put everyone else before yourself? )

It's worth a try. If it doesn't work... then... we know. In case there's a next time.

[Whatever has to happen, he's already accepted it. Already prepared to deal with it. He knows if something did happen... then Pidge has others willing to look out for her. They don't know her like he does, but even so --]

[Wow. It feels like making a will. Who looks after Pidge if something happens to me? Sam big and small? Okay, great. Morbid, isn't it? Back home, there was the whole rest of the team. There was Allura, and Coran. Here there's no one but him and the people she's been linked up to.]

[Here, there's...]

[... he goes still. Partly because of the sense of contact. Partly because of the feeling. Because of the words. And there are, abruptly, faces rushing to the forefront of his memories. Throwing Matt to the ground, pretending to want to murder him, for his own safety -- being pulled away from him, taking his place in the horrors that followed for Matt's safety. Planting himself in front of Allura and fighting with everything in him to get the door sealed before she was harmed. Pulled away from it and thrown to the escape pod because he wouldn't stand down.]

[Because Allura had to get away. Because Matt had to live. Because of course, they were more important than he was.]

[He doesn't have the presence of mind to filter this from Sam. Not as linked up as they are right now. If Sam is hollow, light, like broken bird wings, he's a raw, open wound.]

(I don't... mean to. I just do what feels right.)

(I'm sorry.)

[ That, that right there is why Sam'd had to say something, hard to admit as it was. Shiro's already accepted it, already making contingencies like it's okay. Pidge is like a little sister, and Sam'll look after her with or without Shiro's say so, but that Shiro's even thinking it - that he doesn't even think of what Sam would do if something happened to him - that’s something Sam's gotta do something about.

He's not expecting to get hit with those memories. Familiar faces, ones he's seen in Shiro's head before - the ones that Shiro thought of when Sam and Bellamy had soothed him back to sleep, back on Concordia.

They were more important than he was, and it's not like Sam hadn't already known Shiro thought that way, but it makes him want to fight it anyway. There's a raw openness, sacrifice and loss, and it pulls flickers of Sam's own memories in response.

"Not all of us are getting out of this, Steve." "What's the plan, Sam?" - "I'm grounded, I'm sorry, Cap." - "Gonna need a pick up, Sam," lungs burning and arms and wings straining and desperate to reach because - "It's like I was up there just to watch," Riley's screams on the wind-

And there he pulls himself out of the loop, breathing in to the count of seven and out to the count of eleven. There he knows how to calm himself down, and he won't allow that flashback across the link. Sam knows that other people have been faced with traumas objectively more extreme than watching their best friend die - knows first hand, with some of the things that have been shared with him - but that doesn't matter. This is his, and no one should ever have to understand exactly how terrible it is to have to watch someone hit dead on with something meant to take out armored jets, to see the person you love most exploded into pieces in front of you.

He breathes, pushing himself up until he's standing, and he can pull Shiro closer. ]

I know. I know who you are; I've known since we talked on the roof. I don't want you to change that. I just want you try not to look at everything and say I'm not important, it's okay, I want you to ask is this necessary, is there another option? Because you're important to me, and maybe it's selfish, but I'm gonna ask that of you anyway.

I... don't know if I can do that.

[Not immediately, anyway. Because he knows himself, too. He knows he's going to throw himself into the fray. Throw himself in front of anyone who needs it. Especially his team. Especially the people who matter most.]

[It's not that Sam doesn't enter the equation. He wouldn't purposefully do something like that. But Pidge is his family now. As much as the team had become, stuck out there in space, with no other humans around. She's always going to be the first person on his mind, here, because of that.]

[He doesn't know how to put it into words. This ... feeling of being pulled between them, like he has to decide who matters more. Who he has to think about more. Neither of them are any less important.]

[Just...]

I can't even think of how to answer without making it come out wrong.

[He's not used to thinking of himself. Not for anyone's sake. Especially not his own.]

... maybe I just feel like that's... what I have to do. What I'm supposed to do. [A slow shake of his head, and he's dropping his gaze to the ground. Wanting to touch back, to pull in close, too, but holding himself away from it.] What everyone expects from me.

[I let everyone down. Matt, Commander Holt, Allura... Pidge... They were all counting on me. In one way or another.]

So I don't know if I can do that... [Something cracks in his voice, very slightly. Because he can hear someone else saying how she's happy they're happy and why can't he be normal and be happy with this?]

... and it's not because I don't want to.

Edited 2017-02-17 08:16 (UTC)

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private - let's say this is before the mess lmao

private - SOUNDS GOOD

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private - also I skipped the transition to action so let me know if this isn't okay?

ACTION it's good!

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