mental link; whichever day is today

[shiro2hero]

[The mental voice is... hesitant. Like he's trying his best to modulate his tone, and not sure if he's speaking too loudly or too softly.]

(This has probably been a long time coming... but I have to admit. I'm not good with people in my head.) [A flicker of regret and flashing images quickly stifled.] (Or at controlling what goes through my mind. Someone here called them flashbacks. Guess that works out.)

(It's a long story.)

[So please don't ask, goes unsaid, but like a lot of things here, it's probably felt.]

(But it's been affecting others here, and for that, I'm sorry. I need to be better at this. So I'm asking for help...)

[So he doesn't accidentally overwhelm the wrong person with the wrong memory. Or panic right in front of someone.]

(And before anyone asks - the answer to 'are you okay' is ... not something I want to talk about right now. Sorry.)

[Wait, wait, crap. How does he close this. There's a flustered feeling before just... the mental image of a closed comm connection. He figures that's as good as anything.]

[For anyone who wants to talk in person, he's hauled himself back up onto the roof, bundled up into an oversized hoodie. Black, of course. Hands shoved into his pockets. Probably being all brooding-looking while inside, he's just wondering what it's like to pilot one of the vehicles he sees zooming around.]

Comments

[narcissithstic]

(If they are memories that trouble you, these flashbacks, I could use the Force, erase them entirely.

Your broodmates, the Nest— neither would be subject to your past anymore.

Or what it draws from you.)

[shiro2hero]

[He would have said 'no', immediately. No, he fought for what he remembers. As bad as the memories make things, sometimes, as hard as it is, they have to be important, don't they?]

[But then others come back up.]

(How?)

(How do you just... erase memories?)

[narcissithstic]

(How much have you forgotten? How much do you cling to that you wish you could trade for something better that's been lost?

Memories are overwritten every day you still remain breathing; I only offer the chance to choose what leaves you.)

[Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me—]

(With pain, with perseverance - and with a power I've possessed since birth.)

[Still, he's yet to utilize the finer facets of his abilities since coming to the Nest. A permanent, instantaneous solution may not be possible— prone to failure, or require regular sessions to remedy. In part, starved for a chance to stretch his wings after months of restraint, Ren simply hungers for the opportunity to see what happens.]

[greentech]

[ WOW, Pidge does not need to pick up on this conversation.

Wait, yes she does, as much as she hates to hear it. ]

( Shiro doesn't need you help. )

[narcissithstic]

(I didn't realize he needed your permission instead.)

[greentech]

( What he doesn't need is something else rooting around in his head! )

[narcissithstic]

("Rooting around". Is that what you think I'd do.


Only an amateur would be so careless, and I am not that.)

[He has so, so many years of torture as a testament to that, at least.]

[greentech]

( What I think is that you're offering to do something stupid. )

[narcissithstic]

(How fortunate the decision isn't yours to make, then.)

[And with that, his attention returns to the conversation he yet maintains with Shiro, leaving Pidge to argue her case thoroughly on the opposite end.]

quietly threadjacks your threadjack sorry Pidge

[sizeofyourbaggage]

( Pidge, sister, Shiro can make his own choices. He deserves to know what all of his options are, you know? Even if some of them might not be all that awesome.

If you're worried, talk to him and tell him what you don't like about it. )

[greentech]

( Erasing your own memories isn't an option! Are you really going to tell me that I should just let my friend delete entire portions of his life? )

[sizeofyourbaggage]

( Hell no. I think it's a bad idea, and I think it'd only cause things to be worse in the long run, and there's no way in hell I'd let someone in my head like that no matter how much I trusted them. But I also think that if Shiro wants to hear more about it, he should. They're his memories, he should be in control of what happens to them. Much as he can. )

[greentech]

( How is making yourself forget supposed to help anything? )

[ She's just... very angry and worried right now. Sorry Sam, you're getting a metaphorical earful. ]

[shiro2hero]

[Hold on back the fuck up--]

(Pidge?)

[Like it could be anybody else. He's startled to hear her interjecting, knowing she likes poking around in mind-links about as much as he does.]

[greentech]

( You're not actually considering this, are you? )

[shiro2hero]

(I'm considering that it would be nice not to remember something at the wrong time and drag someone else down with me.)

[Like her, for example.]

[greentech]

( Yeah, at what cost? It's bad enough that we all have some sort of parasite stuck in our heads, but you actually want to let someone else go in there? What if he messes up? What if he changes something that makes you you? )

[shiro2hero]

(And what if it means I can go back to who I was before Kerberos?)

[There's no real fight in the question. No real argument there. He just sounds tired.]

[And... with anyone else, he probably wouldn't have been able to voice that nagging question so easily.]

[greentech]

[ Pidge's end of the link is very, very quiet for a minute or two. Maybe she's sulking. Maybe she's thinking. Maybe she's not sure what to say.

Then she's back. ]

( Do you really want that? )

[shiro2hero]

(A year... most of a year...)

[He doesn't know what to say to that. It just sounds so -- it sounds so easy. Like he could just stop potentially hurting other people. And wouldn't that be great?]

[Wouldn't it be great to be in control of something again?]

(Specifically. How does it work.)

[He wouldn't have even considered this if Ren hadn't brought up other people being involved. Voluntarily losing memories... after everything that came back...]

[He has to at least hear this out. For everyone else's sake.]

[narcissithstic]

[An entire year. Interesting - and manageable.]

(What do you know of the Force?)

[shiro2hero]

(I know I've heard people here tossing it around like it needs a capital F.)

[And it sounds like something mystical. Life force? Like what Allura used on the Balmera?]

[narcissithstic]

[What are 'capital Fs', Shiro??]

(It is an energy— a power— that permeates and binds the universe and every living thing in it together. To control it is to control air, life, muscle and sinew— to reach into the heart of fate itself and -take- what you want. What you need.

It's why I was chosen by Cathaway, and why I was valued for so long before that.)

[shiro2hero]

[A figure of speech Ren, geez.]

(Something you came here with, then. Not something they gave you here...)

(Just 'take'? Whatever you want?)

[narcissithstic]

[Lbr he's super bad at those.]

(Not without cost. Strength, willpower, an unwillingness to surrender and be led along the lines of fate. I was bound to the Force from the moment I was born, and I spent my life learning to control it.)

[There's a tinge of something painful lurking in those words; how much he sacrificed just to endure. To give his own suffering meaning.]

(You're part of the Nest, you no longer have the means to wall yourself off from those around you. If you're in pain, they're in pain - your brood more than anyone else. I speak from experience when I tell you it could kill them.

Consider your options.

Speak to me if you decide to take action; I'm never far.)